Saturday in Miami

We’ve had such amazing weather these past few weeks. Blue skies, nice breeze, weather in the 60s/70sF…. Went for a run with a friend this morning by Biscayne Bay. Had such a great time I though I’d post a picture of my view this morning. It’s nothing spectacular but it made me appreciate being able to do this during winter.

Feliz fin de semana! Wishing you all a wonderful weekend!

Xo Athena

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Breaking my own rules…

Let me just start of by saying that after such a crappy day Wednesday, Thursday turned out to be better.  Weird, but much better.

We are trying a weekly Thursday night dinner routine as a whole family so Grayheart came over for dinner. I cooked us up a delicious meal of churrasco (grilled skirt steak Nicaraguan style), salad and corn on the cob.  It went over fabulously.

We did the night routine with the kids and afterward caught up on house and schedule stuff.  He then all of a sudden asked me if I had a date Friday night!  (I don’t but I sure as hell was not going to tell him what my Friday night plans were!)  I wouldn’t answer the question, which drove him batty.  That somehow gave him the courage to start complimenting me on my appearance and share how turned on he was by me.  And then he kept on with the verbal diarrhea by asking me if I missed our lovemaking, etc., etc.

OKAY.  I WAS WEAK.

After much aggressive pursuit, one thing led to another and all I know is I went from the kitchen to the bedroom.  (Man, I swore I would not do this!). But it was fine.  Nothing mind blowing but certainly hit the spot. (I have needs, dammit!)  My dry spell goes back to mid November (with him) and it was a goodbye lovemaking session before he moved out.

Can I confess that I loved busting out a set of condoms for him to use?  We haven’t used condoms since… well, since 2002.  I’m not on the pill and I recently bought some Trojans to keep just in case he ever snooped, he’d think I was active.  (Which I’m not but still. It worked, didn’t it?)  I loved the look of surprise on his face when I took them out of the purse I take out partying.

So now I’m reflecting back on last night.  I was not myself during our session. I was guarded and I felt like I was with a different man.  My needs were purely physical.  I am a bit disappointed that I didn’t just send him packing before I let him seduce me but I’ve been so in need of human touch these days!  I don’t know if he sensed my disconnect but I quickly jumped in the shower and then he announced he would take off to avoid anything being “weird.”  I couldn’t agree more.

Strangely enough, I think (I hope) that this has helped create distance for me in an emotional way.  There just wasn’t that same bond or love there. I’m just perplexed that I have such little feeling over the whole experience.

So much for a 2015 being a year of abstinence, lol!

One of those days…

You know those days when everything seems kind of crappy?  Well, I’m having one of those.  Last night kids were poor sleepers and woke often.  Kids have me crazy today.  Grayheart decided to take me off some of our shared accounts (ex. Amazon, email, etc.).  Had a mediocre run.  Just one of those days.  Nothing particularly awful but I’m in a mood.

At least I’m going out to dinner with a girlfriend.  I’m looking forward to that!

Today’s mantra:  Tomorrow will be better.

Sisterhood of the World Bloggers Award

I’m so thrilled to have been nominated for a blog award by “Not Another Tall Blog.”  It’s an honor because Angie’s blog rocks and is full of fun stories of her as an expat living in Britian, thoughts on music. life as someone tall as well as other fun stuff.  Please check her out!

So this award thing… Here are the rules.

Here are the five rules to follow:

1. Thank the blogger who nominated you, linking back to their site.

2. Put the Award logo on your blog.

3. Answer the ten questions sent to you.

4. Make up ten new questions for your nominees to answer.

5. Nominate seven blogs.

Here are my answers to Not Another Tall Blog’s questions

1. How long have you been blogging for?  Since December 2014

2. As trivial as this may sound, why do you blog?  It’s become my outlet during my divorce process. I’ve found a ton of fun blogs to read and really wonderful people to interact with!

3. Is there anything in particular that you would like to achieve with your blog?  It’s more for me than anything else. It’ll be my diary to look back on as I continue my healing process.

4. Do you “do” blogger awards? If yes, what do they mean to you? If not, why not?  I’m pretty new to the blogosphere so blogger awards are a new concept for me.  It was such a pleasant surprise to be nominated! 

5. Is there anything that your followers don’t know about you, which you would really like them to know?  Nothing more at this moment. But eventually I think my blog will evolve to include more about me and less about my divorce.

6. What does the “sisterhood” cause mean to you?  Women taking care of women!

7. Can you share with other bloggers a good practice that works well for you (e.g., a “tip”)?  Get involved in the online courses that WordPress offers. They really help.

8. Is there anything that you are particularly proud of as a blogger?  I’m proud that I actually became a blogger.  I am a terrible procrastinator but I pushed that aside and did it!

9. Do you tend to read other blogs, or do you prefer to concentrate just on maintaining yours?  I love reading other blogs! There are wonderful writers and interesting stories out there!

10. Does blogging require any sacrifices from you? Just time. Otherwise, nope!

And here are the blogs I’ve nominated for the Sisterhood of the World Bloggers Award:

1. When Doves Fall –  Recently divorced, has great wit and just fun to read. Love her bite!

2. Becky Due – Such a positive and empowering site! Great author!

3. Tiny Kelsie – She’s young, smart, a mother, amazingly triumphant, recently re-wed, runner, triathlete… she rocks!

4. Darwin on the Rocks and Around the World –  Photography and travel and she’s just so real! The minute I first clicked on her site, I was blown away.

5. Infinite Satori – Serious case of wanderlust. Amazing travels and photography.

6. Skinny and Single – I laugh so hard when I read her posts. Sarcasm and right on observations!

7. Lessons from the End of a Marriage – Intelligent, inspiring, thoughtful… She has an incredible story and does a great job sharing what she’s learned from it.

My Questions for the Nominated Seven Bloggers:

1. Will you give me a brief synopsis about your blog?

2. What do you do outside of blogging (without divulging anything too private, of course)?

3. When did you start blogging?

4. Why do you blog?

5. How often do you post and why?

6. Do your friends and family know you blog?

7. How do you feel about posting personal pictures and info on yourself?

8. Do you have more than one blog? If so, please share.

9. What part of the world do you live in?

10. What kind of music are you into?

That’s all, folks!  Angie, thanks for the award!  And thank you guys for participating!

Night Out – Baby Steps

Friday night I went out with Jazz and Cat and my other cousin, Daisy.  It was Daisy’s husband’s birthday.  We went to a wine bar and then out dancing.  (I’ve graduated, y’all, from crying each time I go out!)  A large group of their friends went out that night and, of course, there was a cutie there… Timberland.  Tall, cute and smart.  He made his interest known and didn’t leave my side once we made it to the club that night.

I danced the night away and he was incredibly polite and sweet. Offered me anything I needed and was respectful of my space.  But there was no magnetic pull.  Had I drank that night, I probably would’ve been more “open” but I just wasn’t feeling it.  I’m not looking for a relationship but I certainly don’t want to waste my first kiss post-separation on someone my gauge reads “lukewarm” about.  Handsome or not, chemistry is something you can’t force.

After dancing, we all went to Denny’s for breakfast and had a fabulous time talking and laughing.  (He ate some of my pancakes, which strangely felt intimate.)  Once we headed back to our cars, I bolted.  I didn’t want him to ask me for my phone number.  I just don’t need the distraction right now.  I went home knowing that I had a great night and really enjoyed the attention from another man but that I’m not ready for anything more than that.  Baby steps…

Fifty Shades of Grayheart

Last I wrote, I was shocked by Grayheart’s revelation that he would no longer be seeing Raggedy.  I questioned whether it was true or not and I was waiting to see what would come of it.

Grayheart left to South America for work the day he shared this news with me.  (What a relief to have him gone for a few days!  More work with kids but less emotional distress!)  He returned after 4 days and brought specialty chocolates for the kids.  And one for yours truly. (Wth?!  This mo’fo never brings me gifts from a short work trip.)  He bashfully explained that it was in appreciation of watching the kids.  It was SO weird.  Something was different about him.  He didn’t have the phone tethered to him, wasn’t texting, wasn’t tense… it just didn’t feel like he was hiding anything.

So what did I do that night he arrived?  I got the hell out of Dodge! I didn’t want to let my guard down.  I needed to get far away and fast. I went to dinner with a girlfriend and proceeded to have too many glasses of wine.  When I got home that night, he all of a sudden was chatty about his trip, wanted to know how my night was, asked me if I was growing my hair long (gimme a break, you now care?) and then proceeded to give me a HUG before he left my casa!  I was so shocked that I stood there stiffly but managed to stick my bum out to not have to make full physical contact with him.  (Of course, he commented on the “ass out” hug. Whateva.)

The rest of the week he was attentive and mild mannered and kind and just very present.  In response to this, I was pleasant and not hostile towards him.  Honestly, it felt nice and almost back to normal.  (But I know better than to fall for this trap.)

Here’s what I think:  I think Raggedy wanted more time and attention.  He doesn’t have it to give.  They got into a spat and decided it was easier to not see each other.  What do I think that means then?  That he will try to worm his way back into our family routine.  Not to get back with me but to go back to what feels comfortable, like home does.  What does that really mean then?  That this is temporary.  That he is sad and lonely and his emotional band-aid is gone.  She’ll probably make a return at some point and he’ll fall back into the same crap.

So what do I do?  I’ll put my armor back on and continue as normal.  It’s nice to not have the anger over her and it’s allowed me to focus on me a bit more.  But my gut tells me she’s not gone for good and I need to keep him at arm’s distance.  It is, however, making me re-evaluate all this contempt I’ve held onto.  It’s a heavy load to carry and I’m emotionally exhausted.  I need to convince myself that regardless of her presence, I need to move on and not be filled with hate.  I’m not there yet but my vision is starting to clear a bit.

Today’s Mantra:  Focus on me, not on others.

Is Raggedy really gone?

I’m up far too late tonight.  And although I’m exhausted, I can’t stop tossing and turning in my bed.  Grayheart and I were chatting today.  I was making an attempt to be nice to him since we had a long conversation yesterday on how our interactions have been pretty negative as of late.

So he then drops this little bit of information on me… he claims he will not continue to see Raggedy Ann.

Um, excuse me? Did I hear that right?

My instant reaction was shock and then I immediately inquired why.

His response?  Something along the lines of life being too complicated to date anyone.  Between kids, a divorce, work, travel, trying to buy a house… it’s just not the right time to date anyone.  (The idiot realizes this now? Really? REALLY?!)

I dropped the whole topic by saying I had nothing to else to say.  (I held my tongue, I’m very proud.)  I can’t decide if I flat out don’t believe him or if she got sick of him not being an available boyfriend or if he got tired of her.  (I will say that I notice he’s been staying at his new place this past week.)

I’ll back up just for a second, though.  In my conversation yesterday with him regarding my ice queen treatment, I told him that things would never be “normal” between us as long as that tart was in his life.  Not saying this influenced his decision in any way but the whole thing is just odd.

I know, dear reader, you’re probably yelling at me that it shouldn’t matter.  That I’ve probably put too much emphasis on her rather than him.  You’re right, it doesn’t really matter.  Our status will not change.  But I might start to not hate him as much.  And I might actually be able to treat this whole divorce process as something that’s “irretrievably broken.”  (Phrase straight from the FL divorce paperwork.)  Not the complicated, stringy mess of another woman’s influence.

And maybe it’s all a ruse so that I’m nicer to him.  Jury’s still out.  I guess only time will tell.