Tired of being tired

Last few days I feel a bit defeated.

The Disney weekend was fun in that the kids had a great time and I had a wonderful experience with marathon weekend. But Grayheart and I were not exactly friendly with each other. We bickered a bit; I could see how annoyed he’d get with things I did. And, of course, he irritated the crap out of me with his moodiness. I’m sure Raggedy gave him a hard time which affected his attitude toward me.

I can’t help but feel that his irritation with me stems from two things: 1) my anger and resentment of him, which I’m just quiet and cool toward him and 2) Raggedy is everything I’m not. She’s the easy, happy, sweet, carefree girl thrilled to see him and make him feel good. In his mind, I’m sure I’m the bitter and absent minded wife nagging about the kids holding onto resentment and baggage… It’s as if it’s being used against me. And that makes me sad because I don’t deserve the hostility.

Raggedy gets one dimension of him. It’s easy to fall for someone like her that has no responsibilities and isn’t bitter as a result. Just makes me mad because it’s an alternate reality. It’s paradise when life outside of it is challenging and grainy. It’s not a bad life but it’s life filled with kids screaming, frustrations, arguments, change and imperfections. Life.

And I’m bitter that he gets to have that pleasure while I’m sad and trying to put myself back together.

Today’s Mantra: Just keep it together.

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12 thoughts on “Tired of being tired

  1. FLRunnerBoy says:

    No worries chica!!! No worries!!! You will pull through this and I assure one thing … what appears as a new happy life that he has run off to is only a mere veneer. If he couldn’t succeed with you and man-up he’s only going to prove the failure in relationship #2 as well. I think through all the hardship you are going through now you are by far more funny and grounded your just being the mature one working through the process WITH THE KIDS in tow while he simply makes cameo appearances. Just in two days you cracked me up more than once. You are a gem … DON’T let greyheart dim your sparkle!!!

    I love your daily mantra’s by the way! They offer me perspective as much as you πŸ™‚

    Liked by 2 people

  2. You are speaking to me in so many ways… Raggedy Ann does get one dimension and you also get one of her. Even if she is everything you are not, which I doubt, she is his “right now”, which is not always “right”. She hasn’t been through what you have so of course she seems perfect. Just wait… the other show has to drop eventually… Stay strong!

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I love reading your posts because it’s like traveling in time to my divorce and remembering all those same feelings. Just remember, it does get better! Allow yourself to feel however you need to so that you can move on; don’t beat yourself up for being angry or sad or any other feeling that you’re justified in having. The most comforting thing I would say to myself was, “this isn’t supposed to feel good” — and it’s not. It’s supposed to hurt and transform you to be better, not bitter. When you’re happier and not in a failed relationship, you’ll be able to be kind to him with ease. In the meantime, it’s not like he deserves it!

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thanks, Kelsie. I’m trying to go with the flow. It really is inspiring when I read blogs from others like you that have conquered adversity and divorce. It reminds me that there is hope for a better me and life. Thanks for the message and good reminders. Xo

      Like

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