Fifty Shades of Grayheart

Last I wrote, I was shocked by Grayheart’s revelation that he would no longer be seeing Raggedy.  I questioned whether it was true or not and I was waiting to see what would come of it.

Grayheart left to South America for work the day he shared this news with me.  (What a relief to have him gone for a few days!  More work with kids but less emotional distress!)  He returned after 4 days and brought specialty chocolates for the kids.  And one for yours truly. (Wth?!  This mo’fo never brings me gifts from a short work trip.)  He bashfully explained that it was in appreciation of watching the kids.  It was SO weird.  Something was different about him.  He didn’t have the phone tethered to him, wasn’t texting, wasn’t tense… it just didn’t feel like he was hiding anything.

So what did I do that night he arrived?  I got the hell out of Dodge! I didn’t want to let my guard down.  I needed to get far away and fast. I went to dinner with a girlfriend and proceeded to have too many glasses of wine.  When I got home that night, he all of a sudden was chatty about his trip, wanted to know how my night was, asked me if I was growing my hair long (gimme a break, you now care?) and then proceeded to give me a HUG before he left my casa!  I was so shocked that I stood there stiffly but managed to stick my bum out to not have to make full physical contact with him.  (Of course, he commented on the “ass out” hug. Whateva.)

The rest of the week he was attentive and mild mannered and kind and just very present.  In response to this, I was pleasant and not hostile towards him.  Honestly, it felt nice and almost back to normal.  (But I know better than to fall for this trap.)

Here’s what I think:  I think Raggedy wanted more time and attention.  He doesn’t have it to give.  They got into a spat and decided it was easier to not see each other.  What do I think that means then?  That he will try to worm his way back into our family routine.  Not to get back with me but to go back to what feels comfortable, like home does.  What does that really mean then?  That this is temporary.  That he is sad and lonely and his emotional band-aid is gone.  She’ll probably make a return at some point and he’ll fall back into the same crap.

So what do I do?  I’ll put my armor back on and continue as normal.  It’s nice to not have the anger over her and it’s allowed me to focus on me a bit more.  But my gut tells me she’s not gone for good and I need to keep him at arm’s distance.  It is, however, making me re-evaluate all this contempt I’ve held onto.  It’s a heavy load to carry and I’m emotionally exhausted.  I need to convince myself that regardless of her presence, I need to move on and not be filled with hate.  I’m not there yet but my vision is starting to clear a bit.

Today’s Mantra:  Focus on me, not on others.