Tired of being tired

Last few days I feel a bit defeated.

The Disney weekend was fun in that the kids had a great time and I had a wonderful experience with marathon weekend. But Grayheart and I were not exactly friendly with each other. We bickered a bit; I could see how annoyed he’d get with things I did. And, of course, he irritated the crap out of me with his moodiness. I’m sure Raggedy gave him a hard time which affected his attitude toward me.

I can’t help but feel that his irritation with me stems from two things: 1) my anger and resentment of him, which I’m just quiet and cool toward him and 2) Raggedy is everything I’m not. She’s the easy, happy, sweet, carefree girl thrilled to see him and make him feel good. In his mind, I’m sure I’m the bitter and absent minded wife nagging about the kids holding onto resentment and baggage… It’s as if it’s being used against me. And that makes me sad because I don’t deserve the hostility.

Raggedy gets one dimension of him. It’s easy to fall for someone like her that has no responsibilities and isn’t bitter as a result. Just makes me mad because it’s an alternate reality. It’s paradise when life outside of it is challenging and grainy. It’s not a bad life but it’s life filled with kids screaming, frustrations, arguments, change and imperfections. Life.

And I’m bitter that he gets to have that pleasure while I’m sad and trying to put myself back together.

Today’s Mantra: Just keep it together.