I did it! Paris to Versailles Race

Started here! 

And ran through…

   

  

 I survived the 10 miles!

And ended here in Versailles!

   

I feel amazing! I can’t believe I did it!! And it meant so much to do it with my brother!

One year later after Grayheart told me he was miserable married to me… I survived and came out stronger.

Thank you for sharing this journey with me. ❤️

Besitos! Bisous! Xo

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Bonjour! 

Just a quick note to say Bonjour!

Today: Eiffel Tower and other fun stuff!

It’s been amazing!! Paris is incredible. I’m so glad I’m here. Thank you all for the love and support! ❤️

Au revoir!

Today’s Mantra: Don’t eat quite as much as yesterday. Doh! Lol! 😉

   
    
 

Déjà vu – Sadness returns. Ugh. 

I have been in a funk. Excuse me as I rant.

I go up, I go down. 

I’m on a down right now.

   

I feel as if I have been reliving the announcement of the separation as exactly a year ago. The rainy, dreary weather is the same, my kids are back in school, anxiety and depression are sitting on each of my shoulders, and my trip to Paris is right around the corner. 

It feels like déjà vu. I wake up and I can’t believe this is my life. I’d rather be sleeping than facing the sadness that surrounds me. The weather matches my mood and I can’t seem to get out of it.   

I do not want to be back with Grayheart. I do not feel the same way towards him. He is a different man now and I’m not even sure I ever really knew him.

At this second, I’m not even mad. I’m just sad; like my soul is sad. Give me a squeeze and I’ll burst into tears at any given second. I’m that sensitive. I feel like I’m trying to jog while underwater.Last year I was even scheduled to go to Paris with Grayheart and run the Paris to Versailles race. I cancelled the trip three days before we were scheduled to leave because I couldn’t bear the thought of having him next to me in such a romantic city after he told me he was miserable.

So here I am planning to go on a new and improved version of the trip. But I keep having that sinking feeling in my gut. I have little desire to shop or pack for my trip. I have an emptiness and nausea that I can’t get rid of no matter how hard I try. 

I am also a shadow of the person I have been over the last several months. I was feeling so strong and happy and carefree. And now I’m moody and sullen.  

  
 I think I’m sabotaging my relationship with Captain. I’ve been pessimistic about it all, needy and just not as fun to be with. We’ve also been apart most of the month due to his work and travel. I keep focusing on our differences (eg. kids vs no kids, he works a lot, he is not close to his family, he’s kind of shy, etc.). And I know that all but the kids thing is totally me just having major insecurities and over-scrutinizing insignificant details. I am so traumatized by Grayheart leaving me that I keep waiting and watching for signs to tell me this guy will leave me, too. Ugh.

 

I hope I snap out of this. Quickly. I am not typically a depressed person and it’s very upsetting to me that I’m acting so strangely.

  
Today’s Mantra: This is normal and part of the healing process. (Right?!)

xo

Rearranging Furniture and Upcoming Travel

I’ve been making change around my house.  I decided to go for lighter and brighter colors in my house. And since I’m on a budget, I’m trying to do it with the fewest expenses as possible. So I moved my furniture in my bedroom around and it’s made a tremendous difference. I still have lots to do but it makes me happy!

 
On another happy note, I’m leaving in a little over a week to Paris, Amsterdam and Munich with my siblings and cousins! I will be doing that 10 mile race I cancelled last year (due to my separation) and then ending off in Oktoberfest! I’m so excited! It’ll be an emotional milestone for me since my process started a year ago.  

My hot brother in law in his lederhosen!

 

Today’s Mantra: Put your positive pants on and don’t let others control your mood. 

Besitos!

Humble pie

I mentioned before that I’ve been a bit angry and down about my divorce lately. I think since we are winding down to the end of it, it just sinks in just how much hurt I still have in my heart. I am still bitter that Grayheart continues his relationship with Raggedy Ann. I want to get past it but it’s hard. I’m working on it, though. 

The terse relationship between Grayheart really pinnacled yesterday when he snapped and bitched at me when he picked up the kids. We went at it with them as audience and, of course, it really stressed out She-ra. We are usually really good about keeping the peace in front of the kids. We did bad. And I was inconsolable when they left.

I finally decided to call for a truce. The tension and stress is eating away at me. I hate having a contentious relationship with him and I know I started this latest battle. (Mind you, I feel like he started the war.)

So I sent him this text message last night:

 

Text to Grayheart


And it was well received. He responded with:

“I just read your texts. Truce sounds good. Sorry I snapped at you. We can talk tomorrow.”
Sometimes it takes a bite of humble pie for the right outcome. I instantly felt lighter after I sent the email and even better once the response was positive. I hope we can continue on a good foot. At least it’s a start.

Weekend is here so I’m going to enjoy it. It’s Friday Night Fun for me tonight! Captain is off on a tournament so I’ll be partying it up with the ladies tonight. 

Have a fabulous weekend, mi gente! Besitos!

Today’s Mantra: Humility can often reap you the greatest rewards. 

Grayheart went to…

Delaware.

 

Delaware

  
Not sure why but it makes me feel better that it wasn’t some amazing destination. Lol.

Not that Delaware isn’t nice but it’s not Costa Rica or St. Lucia (we always wanted to go) or Hawaii (our honeymoon spot).

Either way, I still can’t stand him. And we got into a texting war this weekend. I decided to throw some cheap shots in after he pissed me off about something. So I reminded him how he abandoned his family and shouldn’t be critical of me.

That went over really well, obviously. So we have basically not spoken since. I’m sure it’ll blow over but it’s annoying.

I’m not quite sure why I’ve been so angry lately but I’m growing tired of hearing myself bitch about it.

By the way, the pics in this post are of Dogfish Head Brewery and the beach that he sent me to show the kids. He also brought them some polished clams, which the kids really enjoyed.

Hope you all have a Happy Wednesday! xo

When your best friend is getting married and you’re getting divorced…

One of my best friends is getting married next month. I’m so very happy for her as she deserves nothing but the greatest happiness in the world. I’d been pleased that none of the festivities have bothered me.  

But then I went shopping for items off her registry for her bridal shower this weekend. Something about that act transported me back to the time when I once did my registry and relived the excitement behind it. And then suddenly I was so bitter at Grayheart that I had to literally talk myself out of my anger.

I grabbed her items, thought of her happiness – all the while grateful she didn’t put a lot of useless crap – and then moseyed on down to the register. 

There are marriages and relationships that are successful. Mine was not. Hers will be. I don’t want to send negative energy her way.  

On a fun and positive note, she’s getting married in the Caribbean and I’m going! Woohoo!

Hope you all have a beautiful and safe Labor Day weekend! ❤️