Friday down, Hello Saturday!

I’ve survived Friday at Disney with Grayheart and the kids. No fighting, kids had a great time and we kept ourselves busy with all going on around us. There were no tender moments either since I’m keeping it pretty superficial with him.

I’m now en route to the half marathon. (I’m thinking I really need a diagnosis if at 4 am I’m preparing myself for a 13 mile run.) My Haitian cab driver is providing me plenty of entertainment, though, on my ride! Sak Pase?! Woot woot!

I’m out! I’ll let you know how it goes!

Oh, the image on this post is an actual depiction of Grayheart… 😉

❤️

I’m at the “happiest” place on earth

Let’s see if that holds true.

Because I’m a masochist, I agreed to keep our plans to go to Disney as a family this weekend. Yes, we all drove up together in one car. And, yes, we are staying in the same hotel suite. (He is on the pull out couch while the kids and I sleep in the room.) It is the Disney marathon weekend and we are each scheduled to race.

I had already cancelled my trip to Paris to run the Paris to Versailles 16K so I was hell bent on not missing out on the half marathon I’d been furiously training for. But I hadn’t really thought through how Grayheart and I were going to co-exist under these circumstances.

I gave him a warning two days ago. I would not be made to feel uncomfortable. Don’t be talking or texting her around us. Be present or not with us at all. He easily agreed. I threatened that if he couldn’t handle it, we’d cancel the trip as a family or I’d drive my own car and have separate lodging. He was against it. So after talking to my therapist, DD, I decided to proceed with our mini vacation.

So today we made the trip up to Orlando. No casualties (yet). We did argue a few times over nonsense but it was overall okay. He hasn’t been obvious in his communication with Raggedy and I’ve tried to not be “Grumpy Cat” with him.

I have been noticing though that I’m feeling liberated that I don’t have to put up with a lot of his crap. (He is incredibly moody.) Being with him in close proximity reminds me that Raggedy has no idea what she’s gotten herself into!

We hit the parks tomorrow… Stay tuned!

(And, no, he has not tried any funny business.)

¡Ay dios mio!

For those of you interested in joining me, check out the Disney races available! 😉

Familial love

That’s what Grayheart told me he feels for me.

Tuesday evening we had a talk. It started with a discussion about finances and then he dropped the “I just want to let you know that I did not leave you for [Raggedy Ann]. I was unhappy before she came along.” Then he went on that nothing happened with her until after we decided we were separating.

Ummm… Well, yes, she’s a symptom and not the full cause. But the blossoming relationship with her gave him the motivation to leave and not try to work things out with me. He begrudgingly agreed.

Do I believe him? Somewhat, yes. I do believe that their flirtation started when he went on his work trip late August. I do also show that the conversations on his phone (thanks to phone records) started when he confessed his unhappiness and desire to divorce. Does that lessen the hurt? No. Do you think I’ve forgotten the torture of him communicating with her while still living in my house? And poorly hiding it? Hell no.

And then he told me that he loves me deeply but in a “familial way.” Really? But I knew that already. I could tell his love had changed for me these last few weeks. He gave that romantic love – that infatuation – to her. There were no more longing glances or raised eyebrows when I bent down to pick something up or even attempts to touch me. He fell completely out of love with me and is over the marriage. Makes me feel like I wasted 13 years of my life.

So I took that conversation and pondered it the rest of the evening. I realized that this is what a break up feels like; it’s been so long since I’ve been through one. The unfamiliarity of rejection and humiliation and loss.
It just sucks to have to experience it within such close proximity of the heartbreaker.

I will say that although I’ve experienced a roller coaster of emotions, the feelings I have are more resentment, hurt, anger and sadness. I don’t pine for him. I think we are truly different people and the relationship was tough from the start. It just ended in such a hurtful way. And, let’s be real, no one wants to be dumped. 💔

Blogging 101 Assignment #4 – My Dream Reader

I joined a Blogging 101 course and assignment #4 was to put together a post for your dream reader.  It’s difficult to call this my dream reader…  Let’s just say I found the appropriate audience.

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Dear Grayheart,

Fuck you.

Hope you’re miserable the rest of your life.

Warm regards,

Your soon-to-be ex wife

(Too much????)

Karma will cut you

Thought this was funny…

I was on the phone yesterday with my best friend and I went on and on how I wished nothing but torture and terrible things upon Grayheart and Raggedy Ann. (Mainly that they’d lose an arm or a hand… yes, I know it’s awful.)

Last night Grayheart came over and started trimming some of the trees around the house. Well, wouldn’t you know it… dude almost lost a finger when the contraption broke on him! Sliced a good part of his skin off. So there I am taking his ass to urgent care to see if he needed stitches. (He didn’t but, boy, you would’ve thought he’d need a new prosthetic finger the way he was groaning in pain!)

I truly don’t wish these evil things on him but I can’t say I felt bad for him either. I need to watch what I say, though. Someone upstairs is obviously listening! lol!

Today’s Mantra: Think about winning the lotto!

Divorce Attorneys

Whew! I’m tired after having met with only two divorce attorneys today! So much information… So much to keep track of. I will meet two more tomorrow before I make a final decision on who to hire.

One thing, though, it feels good knowing there will be someone knowledgeable in your corner.

And… damn! Lawyers are expensive! (Worth it, of course…) 💸💸💸

Love sucks

It’s been a tumultuous several days.

After having such a fun Friday evening last week, the rest of the weekend was bleh.

Saturday I overhead Grayheart tell his whore “love you, bye” when hanging up the phone.  Sure I was spying while outside when he didn’t know I was there but I just had a feeling he’d told her he loved her.  He’s such a dumbass when it comes to love.  Always has told his girlfriends he loved them quickly.  Me included, 13 years ago.

Strangely enough, I felt nothing.  I was empty and hollow inside.  Later, though, I felt like the earth’s gravitational pull was keeping me facedown to the ground.  Wrecked I was.  And ooooh boy, I looked it, too!  I slept practically nothing the night before and had not caught up from partying from NYE.  (I’m not used to this anymore!)  Had a flood of emotions: sad, mad at him, sad for me, resentment, disbelief at my life, anger at myself for my foolishness… pure, deep sadness.  I somehow allowed the last 13 years of my life to be hijacked by someone that never truly loved me.  I just kept thinking that over and over and over.  Torture.

Sunday was better.  I rested well the night before and that helped.  The day sucked but overall I was just sad and mad at myself for foolishly loving a fool.  I could sense it in him these last few weeks that he no longer felt anything for me.  Why did you fall so quickly out of love with me?  Why is it so easy for you to move on?  Why am I still suffering?

Monday – My butt got in gear and started calling lawyers left and right!  I was at work just burning up my cell phone, researching questions to ask attorneys, making connections… you name it.  And lots of fantasies about revenge and other useless mental wanderings.  But I felt like I was taking control by getting a start on the divorce process.  Oh yeah, and then Grayheart had the incident in which he cut himself that evening.

Love sucks.  Love sucks balls.

PS – My brother recently bought the painting (by Ra Superstar) that I used as my image.  When he sent a picture of it to me, it just made me think how many ways the saying “Love is an Inside Job” can be taken.  I initially was thinking that it meant love from another person but the more I thought about it, I think it means it comes from within you.  It starts with you.  I need to remember that.

Today’s Mantra:  Love myself more.

Friday Night Fun

Friday nights are my nights “off” from the kids.  My cousin (Cat), a bud of hers (Jazz) and I headed out last night for dinner and drinks.  Little did I know Cat was in the mood for a late night!  After dinner, we headed over for drinks at a few spots and then out to a bar/club.  The place had live music and instantly got us in the mood!  We danced our tails off to fun music and felt like a college student again.

There was a cute boy… I say boy because I’m certain he was in his damn mid-twenties.  I gave basically every guy the stiff arm that evening because I was enjoying girls’ night out and there just wasn’t anyone that caught my attention.  But then towards the end of the night, “HELLO!” Mr. Cutie Patootie with eyes that twinkled and a smile that could land a Colgate commercial.  (You know, dimples, perfect teeth, lovely lips…Sigh, I digress.)  He kept staring with his buds but I was too busy ignoring him and dancing like it was my night.  We left the bar and – following the lead of the Selfie Generation – the girls and I began to take pictures in front of the place with our phones.  Well, guess who all of a sudden popped up to photobomb us?  Dude with the megawatt smile and his two unimportant not cute buddies. YUP!  But instead of a photobomb, he’s actually part of the picture.

You know those people that shake your hand and look you straight in your eyes when they ask you your name?  Yeah, he did that.  And not only did he do that but he repeated my name to me while still giving me that dazzling smile.  (Swoon!)  Casual chat goes on and we come to find out that he’s a local bartender (of course he is with his looks) and he lived right in the area.  I then took it upon myself to play hard to get and announced I had to get going but that we’d be back in the near future.  I figured he’d either be bold enough to ask for the digits or would be too much of a wuss to risk rejection in front of his buds and strangers.  He wussed out.  Which is fine for whatever reason he decided but it didn’t matter.  He did for me what I needed.  Made me feel giddy after a long time of feeling shitty.  Anyway, he grabbed my hand to shake it good bye and did that stare through your soul thing again with a smooth “Bye, Athena.”  (Double swoon!)  Guy played it good.  He remembered each of our names and made us feel some typa way!  He must be a professional.  I will nickname him Whisky since he’s a bartender and 25 year aged whisky is glorious and rare. 😉

New Year’s Eve Recap

Happy New Year y’all!

So here was my night:

Grayheart stayed with the kids and I just made sure I had my cry of the night in the car before I put on makeup and picked up my friends! (Made for a much more manageable evening.)

We went to South Beach and partied at the beautiful Mondrian (hotel) which overlooks Biscayne Bay. I wish I had taken pictures but check out their site if you want to see more http://www.morganshotelgroup.com/mondrian/mondrian-south-beach. The place is gorgeously decorated and situated in a great part of the beach.

At first I was not going to drink but since it was open bar and the girls kept passing me glasses of champagne, well, I couldn’t resist. And I’m glad I did because it loosened me up!

At midnight, my sister was my new year’s kiss and hug. Perfect person to share the special moment with as she’s been my rock throughout all this.  (Although there were a few LAME guys walking around asking if we had our kissing partner for midnight. Ummm, no, dude. I don’t need to make out with anyone just to say I did.)

My sis, though, found herself a hottie bearded fellow that chatted her up. His buddy then started chatting me up (mind you, these guys are 25 yrs old) and as I turn to look for my sis, she’s making out with her guy.  So I was like “Good for her. I’m glad somebody is getting some action!” Which then prompted the buddy to so generously offer a kiss if I wanted one. I think he mistook my comment for wishful thinking.  Lol!  So then of course the words came tumbling out of my mouth (yeah, super cool girl I am) that no way, I was going through a divorce and just didn’t have it in me. The guy felt insta bad and gave me a consolation hug.  He was adorable and sweet.  But no.  So, I was the lame one after the long night. 😉

Night ended after we determined we had too much bubbly and needed to be able to pass out immediately.  We made it home safely this morning and here I am now writing about it while nursing a headache.

I still felt a bit out of place but I did better than my last night out so there’s hope for me!  The picture I’ve included in this post is of some of the girls overlooking the bay with our silly NYE headpieces. We didn’t know we were being photographed.

Hope your evening was fun! I look forward to hearing what everyone else did.