2014 Vision Board

As a good-bye to the year, I thought I’d share my 2014 vision board with you all. 🙂

In January (after Grayheart and I initially discussed separation but decided not to pursue), I struggled with trying to find who I was outside of being a mom.  I read that putting together a plan with images could really help visualize and actualize a new life.  My girlfriend had a “vision board” party and we cut through magazines and advertisements to produce something that described us.

I placed my board on my nightstand and looked at it on a daily basis.  I told myself I’d start running and eventually do a half marathon, lose 25 lbs, sleep and read more, eat better, take up painting again, possibly archery, etc., etc.  I haven’t completed everything on it but I certainly have achieved much more than I thought I would.

Some of these will be placed again on my 2015 Vision Board while new goals accompany them.  I’ve really found it to be a motivational project and look forward to creating a new one.

I wish you all a very safe and happy New Year!  Here’s to hoping that 2015 will bring us all great things!  (Or that you go after those great things you want.  Why wait for it to come to us, right?)

Esta frase es una cajita de paz llena de alegría, envuelta con cariño, sellada con una sonrisa y enviada con un beso. ¡Feliz año nuevo!

Beauty & The Beast

Warning: Some cursing.

Ok, this I find actually hilarious… Grayheart and Raggedy Ann are going to go see “Beauty & The Beast” here on New Year’s Day. (Yes, another email confirmation I found.)  I mean, seriously?!  When I found out he was hooking up with a 25 year old girl I didn’t think he’d actually be going to see Disney musicals with her!

So, you idiot, will you buy her cotton candy for the show?  Will you hold hands and stare lovingly into each others eyes when Belle’s icy demeanor softens towards the Beast?  Will Raggedy wear a bib at dinner?  Shoot, should I start an online petition on change.org to see if Disney will commit to a “Little Mermaid” musical as well?

Look, I love Disney. I love Beauty and the Beast. I love Alan Menken. I’m just saying it’s all too funny that a 40 year old man will be taking his 25 year old girlfriend to see a Disney show. (No offense to my 20 something buds out there… just let me be mean for a moment, please?)  He should be taking his 5 year old daughter to see this, not the Whore.

Once again, Grayheart, you prove to me you are a fucking idiot.

*I used the image from the theater itself. It seemed like the most ridiculous picture I could find. But if you’re in Miami and interested in seeing the show, go to http://www.arshtcenter.org.

If you snoop, you will find.

Warning:  There’s some cursing.  I’m angry tonight.

Tonight I feel sick.  I haven’t felt this level of static in my stomach since Grayheart was living here in November.  I was snooping and found an email that he wrote to a divorced buddy late September of this year.  (This is just a couple of weeks after we had our talk about separation.)  The exchange more or less discussed how divorce sucks but his buddy’s opinion was that the worst part is missing the kids and that women are garbage, etc.  The part that disturbed me the most is Grayheart responded to his buddy that he just couldn’t stand to be around me.  Dude, you just can’t stand being around me?  YOU are the unlikeable one, motherfucker!

Shame on me for snooping, right?  I knew there was potential to find something I didn’t like and I needed to have my big girl pants on.  Strangely enough, though, it was a good slap in the face for me.  It pushed me from sad, mopey resentment to Bad Ass Angry Mama Jamma.  Just another reminder that he does not love me.  It may hurt but I see clearly at this moment.  You don’t love me, I don’t love you.  You never loved me enough, fuck you. *sticks my toungue out*

Then to top it off, I found email confirmation that he went to go visit The Whore (Raggedy Ann) in Baltimore this weekend after his time with his family.  He took a train to go see her on Sunday and then flew out from there on Monday.  I saw the train and hotel confirmation.  Stupid motherfucker.  I knew it.  I sensed it.  I could just tell he was somewhere else that day.  I know I shouldn’t care but I do.  Just feels like another jab, another cut.  He’s still with the bitch that stole my husband.  (Yes, it’s not that simple but it really is.)

God, I hope he gets chlamydia.

Good bye birth control

My new pack of birth control pills went to the junk drawer today.  I didn’t throw them away because I felt guilty doing so but they’re tossed somewhere in between foot powder and the fifty different trial sized bottles of shampoo and body wash that I’ve collected from hotel stays over the last few years.  (Hotels be upping their toiletry game these days!  Asprey’s, L’Occitane, Peter Thomas Roth… Must keeps!)

What does this mean?  It means I’m committed to the fact that Grayheart and I are really done.  No slip ups, no excuses, no safety nets.  (I sure as hell DO NOT want to get pregnant so abstinence it is.)

So I say hello to a lonely, celibate year for 2015.  I am working on truly healing and don’t need the complication of any other men in my life.

(I’m really hoping I stick to this!!)

Losing my mind a bit

So… I might be losing it a bit and am embarrassed to admit to the following over the last few days:

– Purposely ripped a hole in Grayheart’s shirt (that he looked handsome in) so that he couldn’t wear it again. He left it hanging on the desk while assembling Christmas gift for kids. It’s the same shirt he bought the night he first went out partying with co-workers, including Raggedy Ann, back in September.

– Got address to Raggedy Ann’s apartment and contemplated bad things to do to her place while she’s out of town… (I have not done anything; I’m not that crazy!)

– Went to airport long term parking places to see if I could find where he left his car while he left on his trip. I was going to break into it to see what I could find. All to no avail. And, frankly, I punked out after the first few floors of the garage. Ain’t nobody got time for that!

– Almost sent a nasty ass text to Grayheart basically wishing him and his whore herpes and death. (My sister talked me out of it.)

Sigh… The only good thing I can say is that I try to control my impulses so that I don’t act out on them. Most times at least. A few escape from time to time.

Today’s mantra: Don’t give him reason to say that you’re crazy.

Reflecting on Narcissism: much less than just a pretty face

I think Grayheart has NPD tendencies. I don’t think I can say he is a full blown Narcissist but certain traits fall under the descriptions I read.

Lucky Otters Haven

Narcissism is a disorder named after Narcissus, a young hunter who, according to Greek mythology, fell so much in love with his own reflection staring back at him in a pool of water, that he fell in the pool and drowned.

In actuality, while some narcissists are as vain as our Greek god, most would not necessarily fit the stereotype of a physically vain person. My narcissistic mother is vain, but my ex-husband is anything but. In fact, he cares very little about his physical appearance. Narcissists look like anyone else–it’s their actions and behavior that give them away.

Another misunderstanding about narcissists is that they love themselves. They don’t. People who love themselves are people who know who they are, and are a pleasure to be around. But narcissists don’t hate themselves either, at least not in the same way a neurotic individual with a poor self image hates…

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Credit Card Fraud, Theft & The Kite Runner

My credit card company called me this morning to investigate a questionable charge on my credit card.  Seems that someone in another part of the country ran out of gas and decided to stop at a 7-11 and use my identity to fill up. ($&%!)

The charges, of course, will be taken care of by my credit card company but it’s still a pain in the arse to deal with.  Not the biggest deal in the world but things like this often remind me of just how petty and inconsiderate stealing is.

Which leads me to reflect on one of my favorite quotes in The Kite Runner by Khaled Hosseini:

“Now, no matter what the mullah teaches, there is only one sin, only one. And that is theft. Every other sin is a variation of theft. Do you understand that?”  […]

“When you kill a man, you steal a life,” Baba said. “You steal his wife’s right to a husband, rob his children of a father. When you tell a lie, you steal someone’s right to the truth. When you cheat, you steal the right to fairness. Do you see?” […]

“There is no act more wretched than stealing, Amir,” Baba said. “A man who takes what’s not his to take, be it a life or a loaf of naan…I spit on such a man. And if I ever cross paths with him, God help him. Do you understand?”

I love this book and couldn’t agree more with what Baba teaches Amir!

(*Cracking my knuckles as I think about the moment I ever run into Raggedy Ann.*)

Grayheart left to NY

Grayheart left yesterday afternoon to NY to see his family. Felt a bit sad about it. I’ve varied between feeling nostalgic and morose to all of a sudden feeling a burst of self confidence today.

Yesterday night I weeped over the loss of my marriage and what seemed like the beginning of a new routine for the holidays. New traditions will be started, the kids will have holidays split… the typical divorce blues during this season. I’d been reminiscing a lot these days, too. I’ve had regret over ways I could have been a better wife and just kept wondering to myself if I would ever take Grayheart back (if he asked).

Then today I went for a long run with my best friend’s husband and it felt like an awakening. As we chatted about what’s been going on in my life and he helped put things in perspective, I had a revelation of sorts. I realized I deserved more. A good father is important but what I need is a good partner as well. So as I thought through all the things I settled for as a result of fear of being without him or breaking up my family, it angered me that I was so insecure and weak for so long. Not that the anger at myself is healthy but it provides motivation to continue to head in the opposite direction of Grayheart. I know that deep down I’ve been hoping he’d have an about face and realize his mistakes. And that he’d really change to be a better partner to me. But I keep wanting him to change. That should be a sign to myself that we are just not compatible as is – besides all the damage that’s been done – and I should accept it for what this is. A breakup. And an opportunity for a more fulfilling life.

I’m sure that since I’m Sybil these days, I’ll have some sort of change of heart soon but for now I’m going to enjoy him being gone these few days. Out of sight (hopefully) out of mind! And I’m going out to dinner with my girlfriends tonight so woohoo!

Hope you all are enjoying the holidays! ❤️

Today’s Mantra: I will be brazen with self confidence today. Today I’m Superwoman!

Merry Christmas!

I have been busy with company and the holidays but I wanted to share a quick thank you.

I do a lot of complaining here but I’m very thankful for all that I have. I may be going through a rough time with my separation but I do know that I am a very lucky gal in every other way.

I am grateful for the love and support of my family and friends as well as the new friendships and well wishes of the online community I’ve now befriended. Thank you for allowing me a way to voice my grief and giving me the support I’ve needed.

Many blessings to you all and I hope you’ve had a Merry Christmas and/or wonderful holiday season! 🎄

PS – My cousin surprised me with the Christmas NKOTB CD… Lol! I used to LOVE them as a kid!! ❤️

This brought tears to my eyes… Reblog – Confession: I’m In Love With Another Woman

I came across this blog post Confession: I’m In Love With Another Woman and just started to tear up as I read it.  The love this gentleman has for his wife.  No, the appreciation of the changes that people go through with age and time… that’s what really touched me.  That after 29 years of marriage – and I’m sure plenty of obstacles – Mitch and his wife continued to stay focused on changing together and loving one another for that.  I hope to one day find that.  Bless them for it.  It’s inspiring to hear that profound love  exists.