Family Engagement

When you have kids from a previous marriage, dating is not often the easiest thing to maneuver. You come as a package deal… kids are still attached to the idea of you getting back with their father… different personalities… wariness of adults around your kids, etc. So when I met Captain, I made sure I took my time, looked left and right, and left and right again, checked for any dangers or blind spots, and then truly crossed the road. Four years later, I’m glad I did because this man is truly a blessing.

I could sit and list all his wonderful qualities but I think his approach in asking me for my hand in marriage shows the kind of man he is. 💖

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Upon arrival in Iceland, we took off for the town of Vík, where Captain had scheduled a horseback riding tour for us on Reynisfjara Beach. Knowing that this was one of my favorite spots from our last visit, he made this special place the background of his proposal. He expressed his love for me and shared beautiful observations and thoughts of my family and our life together. It was very humbling to hear his words and so satisfying to be able to echo the same love back.

But that’s not where he ended. He asked me to keep the engagement quiet until our return because he wanted to talk with my kids and involve them in what would be a second proposal.

So when we returned to Miami, I left to run some errands while he had a heart to heart with my kids. Captain shared how he adored them and wanted them to be part of his declaration of commitment and love to me. They came up with a crafty little scavenger hunt that I would find on my return.

Little cards with clues and messages were spread around the house leading me finally to my bedroom, in which a final card and my ring were displayed on my bed. My babies were dressed up, grinning from ear to ear, and waiting with champagne to toast to this moment. They showered me with kisses and affection, while Captain again repeated how he loved and wanted a life with us forever.

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There isn’t a single thing in this world that means more to me than my family. He gets it- and embraces it. Can you kinda see why I think he’s so marvelous? 💗

I’ve come such a ways since my divorce….

Love, Captain Athena

How you doin?

Been a minute since I’ve been on here.

How you doin?

I’m good! Finished another school year teaching rugrat 5th graders (that I love). I see myself becoming a better educator and feel proud to have the relationship I do with those kids. 💗

My own kids are getting big! 7&10! Yikes! We are having a fun summer spending lots of quality time and doing fun rambunctious things.

I’m still co-parenting fairly well with my ex, Grayheart. Hiccups along the way, of course, but I’d give it a ratio of 90/10 in terms of the ratio of our positive to negative interactions. I marvel at how little I actually think about my marriage to him. Almost 5 years later and I don’t remember the details I used to. He’s dating a woman that will soon be moving to Miami with her two kids… in with him. She’s nice. I wish them well. I hope he does her better. But I know who he is. And chances are he’ll screw over another nice woman. Oh well.

As for me, I am still in a wonderfully committed relationship with Captain. We continue to drive the hour regularly between Miami and the Keys to see each other. I continue to count my blessings because he is an excellent man and partner.

We have a busy summer planned… Captain and I are going to Iceland, then I’ll be traveling to Nashville for my sister’s bachelorette party (millennials, sigh),  then taking my kids to see my brother in a California, and finally doing a lovely beach holiday weekend with my closest girlfriends. Just writing it down intimidates me! But it’s not a bad problem to have. 😉

Would love to hear how my friends in the blogosphere are. Sending you all lots of cariño.

xo Athena

Marriage after Divorce?

I’ve been with Captain for 3.5 years and have experienced nothing but the best of the best in my relationship. This man has nursed my emotional wounds, treats me like a queen, and loves me down to my soul. Add to it all that he is fantastic with my children, is crazy handsome, and a hard working man… well, I’ve hit the love lottery. I have never been so fulfilled and emotionally complete in my life.

So it’s natural that we discuss marriage and our future together. I only see a future with him. I would love to call him my husband and live a long, beautiful life with him. And he is very much on the same page.

But I do not want to move an hour away to the Keys where there is absolutely nothing to do but drink and go boating. Fabulous if you’re on vacation, dull and slow for a full time experience. I cannot picture raising my children there. I enjoy the network I have here in Miami. My job, my family, my friends, my things… If I was single without kids, I’d just move and suck it up.

The other obvious option is that Captain could move to Miami and just do the hour commute each morning for work. Except it’s draining. He fishes for a living. And getting up at 4 am to get back that way in time to gear up and meet his clients… not very sustainable. It’s not that it’s impossible, but we’ve done it many times over and it’s very challenging. I can’t imagine he would be able to do it full time without wearing himself out. (And just to be clear, the distance is close to 60 miles. It’s not the “hour” that’s the issue, it’s the traffic depending on the time of day that makes an hour anything from 1-3 hours depending which direction you’re heading and time of day. And luck, of course.)

Captain says I talk about marriage and seem all excited but when he starts to get ready to pull the trigger, I give him the big block. I’m not ready yet. (He’s never proposed but I guess I’m inconsistent in how I approach the marriage thing.)

I think I hesitate because our marriage would be “unconventional.” It would be two households, sharing time, going back and forth, etc. We’d be 100% committed and probably do a great job at keeping it exciting and happy because we’d never get tired of each other. (He thinks it’s the perfect setup!) I worry that I would eventually become resentful of having to “rough” it a good bit of the time on my own, even though I wouldn’t be alone. If I was just plain alone, there’s no one to be annoyed with that I had to on my own manage a dinosaur-sized iguana found entwined in the soccer net of my backyard as the maggots and other neighborhood scavengers picked at his dead body. (Yes, true story.)

I’d prefer a more traditional set up. And I know he would, too. But that’s not an option right now for me. So maybe now is not the time? There certainly is no rush.

I know every other aspect of being with him would be perfect. I trust and believe in him… in us. I love him and know we will figure it out, but I’m also at a point in my life that I know Love is not always enough when it comes to marriage.

It would be nice to hear if anyone has experience with or knows of any successful untraditional marriages.

❤️ Athena

Too Quiet?

My kids have been on vacation with their father in the northeast for a week and there’s one week left to go. I’ve had a hard time being without them. You’d think I’d be thrilled and make the most of my alone time and appreciate the quiet, right? Ugh. Kinda.

I have enjoyed spending the week in the Keys with Captain. Snorkeling, biking, walking, reading, etc. Alone time with him. We rarely get uninterrupted time so it’s been fantastic. But holy hell is it a quiet life without kids! Too quiet.

I have the summer off and spend loads of time with the kids. So having them gone for so long is rough. And not just because I enjoy them but also because I am neurotic and worry endlessly about their safety while they’re gone. I hate to even put it into words but I have nightmares about kidnappings, trafficking, drownings, car accidents, etc. I try to keep it under control and not be crazy… but man. I’m crazy.

I am not crazy enough to not recognize that I’m lucky they have a father that’s involved. His new girlfriend is with them and she’s been fantastic keeping watch and updating me about them. And at 6 and 9 years old, my kids are very fortunate to visit New England and family all along the northeast US. All good stuff.

So I’m just having a moment. One of those self pitying moments where I hate what comes with divorce with young kids.

On another note, I have realized that I need (A) some other teacher friends that are chilling this summer or (B) unemployed and adventurous wealthy friends, to hang with while Captain is out working. Day drinking is no fun alone. (I kid. Kinda. But, seriously, any volunteers?! 😜)

On a positive note, Captain and I will take a road trip tomorrow! We’re going to drive up to Charleston with several stops along the way. Lots of good eats! I’m currently working on my southern drawl. Saying “reckon” just doesn’t sound right yet with my Miami accent. I’ll get it!

xo

Athena

Shi…ngles

I got shingles, y’all! *slow clap*

It’s kinda fun to say. Shhhh… ingles? Sh-ing-les. Sh-in-gulls. Shin-gals. Shhhhh. Whatever. I got it. 

Apparently, you don’t need to be over 60 to have it. 

Those effers have been living in my nerve cells latent for 33 years and decided to pop in for an uninvited visit this week. Bastards.

I’m annoyed because I’m not stressed and this is usually the cause of onset. I’m actually on summer break from teaching and having a lovely time! 

Only thing I can think is maybe my brain is creeping behind my back and subversively worrying about finances?

Grayheart, my ex-husband, recently quit his long-term, secure job. Why? No good reason. He hated his job and wanted to pursue his business ventures in the restaurant industry is pretty much why. Idiot. 

It’s not my business what he does as long as he parents well and pays for his child support. He will continue to pay his child support as-is but I just don’t trust him. So on a teacher’s salary, you can understand why I might quietly fret? Anyway, I’m pushing it out of my mind and just focusing on the now and not the “what if” of the situation. I didn’t think it was bothering me enough to cause me trouble but it’s possible that my body is just tired of constantly fighting everything over the last 3 years? (This shingles thing is his fault, of course.)

As a side note, Grayheart broke up with Raggedy Ann. I think this is the fifth time? 🙄 (I met her, by the way. Another story, another time. Nothing exciting.) 

Oh! And he then immediately got a vasectomy. I think Raggedy was hinting at wanting her own kids. Lmao!

*Don’t mind me as I snicker at their demise.*

I know, petty. But, fuck, I’m dealing with shingles! Cut me some slack! 

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So… back to me. Life is pretty damn good right now. I’m heading to the Turks & Caicos in a couple of weeks with Captain. He and I are wonderful! I’m still gushy in love. ❤️ My kids are fantastic and I’ve been doing so many fun things with them this summer! I’ve kept to my resolution of reading a book a month and have been reading the Outlander novels! (And love them!) I’m back to running again after a very long hiatus! And I’ve got 5 more weeks of summer break! Woohoo! Life will be all good again once I’m back to normal. 🙌🏽

Hope everyone is enjoying their summer! (Or winter for you Southern Hemisphere folks!) 

😘 Athena 

Date Night with my Daughter and Ellie Goulding

I took my 7 yr old daughter to her first concert this past weekend! We saw Ellie Goulding perform on the Delirium Tour.

This is an album we love to jam to and when I heard she was coming to Miami, I immediately bought us tickets! 

Here’s some of the fun from the night. Loved Ellie’s performance and loved the quality time with my lil gal! We danced the entire time we were there! 

My sweet girl was pretty tired by the last few songs. After a long day of school and the chaos of the concert, 10 pm was just too late for her. She fell asleep as soon as we got in the car. 

Such a fun night! One of the best and most meaningful adventures I’ve had with my daughter. ❤️

xo

Bizarre evening

*This is a longer than usual post, sorry!*

Last week, Grayheart had the kids all day for Presidents’ Day.  He took them to a museum and then ran errands.

By the time he got them back to me that evening, he looked like he’d been through the battle of his life. His eyes were red and sunken, his face aged 10 years and his posture looked deflated. This was a man that looked defeated.  

I asked how the kids had behaved with him.

His response as he plopped into the dining room seat? 

“They were awful. They don’t listen. They fight constantly. It was overwhelming.”

Then he started to tear up! Literally tears springing to his eyes and trickling down his cheeks. 

I was shocked. This is not a man that shows emotion easily. 

I stood there frozen facing him as I had absolutely no idea what to do. He seemed so broken and sad. Here is a man I once loved, my former best friend, the father of my kids crying in front of me. My first inclination was to hug and console him. But I couldn’t move.

I was worried the moment would’ve turned into an attempt on his part to kiss me or have too heartfelt of an embrace.

I have absolutely no interest in that for a number of reasons.

So I was relieved when my son called for me and I ran into the other room to tend to him. Grayheart escaped to the bathroom to gather himself.

When he returned, he announced his departure and I walked him out.

“What is wrong, Grayheart?”

“This is hard. I try to make the most of my time with them. I don’t have them as often as you do. I’ve spent my whole day yelling at them or separating them from fighting. Then, I’m cleaning after them a bunch… It’s hard to spend quality time.”

I almost laughed out loud at this. These were many of my concerns when we first separated. Although it’s tough being outnumbered, I’ve managed well. 

He continues, while still crying, “I guess this is what happens when you have a split household.” Followed by a big sigh and him looking sideways at me.

I’m still uncomfortably awkward and feeling bad for him and confused. So I end with, “Yup. Yeah. I guess so…Well, let me know what I can do to help make it better with the kids.”

  

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I know exactly what’s happened here. I hadn’t written about it because, frankly, I didn’t care enough. But him and Raggedy Ann broke up last month. He didn’t tell me but I could sense it. He has been different. 

So he’s a bit down about the whole thing. He sees himself alone and having possibly made a bad decision.

Then, Valentine’s Day rolls around and Grayheart drops by to give the kids their cards and chocolates. What does he pop in on? My lovey little brood having a blast playing kickball with me and Captain in my backyard of what used to be “our” home. We are nice to him but it’s definitely an awkward moment. (Kids were pleased as punch. They had no clue.)

Captain & my son playing ball

All of a sudden, he’s an outsider to his own family. He not only sees his family having a great time with another man but at that moment he realized his role as man of the house was backfilled with my boyfriend. He gets the kids the next day and nothing goes right. The family unit feels lopsided and missing something… me!

Now, let me just say that Grayheart is a great dad. He will never be “replaced” as Daddy by any man. I don’t play games with my kids or him about it. A partner on either side is a bonus.

Let me also clarify that I didn’t get the impression he was trying to hit on me. But I do think he was feeling me out since he was incredibly sad. And I’m not falling for it. 

Grayheart will never change. The grass will always be greener on the other side. He’ll always want someone to feed his ego. And he’ll always be a dick. And moody. And selfish. 

I wouldn’t have chosen this life for my kids. My ideal situation would have been us as a strong/functioning/happy intact family without all this hurt.

But I’m better and happier than I’ve been in a verrrrrry long time. And I don’t think it’s a superficial type of happiness. I’ve worked really hard on healing from the inside out. The last year and a half has taught me a lot: I’m better without him as a partner. 

Stay tuned. I don’t think this is over. 

xo