I was looking back now at a journal that I sometimes record random thoughts in. Sometimes it’s milestone updates on the kids, sometimes just notes on how I feel, goals I want to accomplish or just recording the shit that was going on with Grayheart. I found a list of health goals I wanted to achieve back in August 2013, just shortly after I left my job to be a stay at home mom. I remember thinking that I would have all this free time to focus on me since I wouldn’t be juggling being a mother, wife and professional. Boy, was I off! Here were the goals:
#1 – Lose 30 lbs
#2 – Get fit and healthy within 6 months.
#3 – Run a 5K before the end of the year
#4 – Get rid of sugar addiction
#5 – Exercise 5-6 times per week
Needless to say, I did not take into account that raising a one year old full time and trying to be Super Mom is actually a lot of work and that I’d be dealing with a sort of depression from the transition. I felt I had lost some of my independence and self worth. I felt like the anti-feminist and didn’t want to be viewed as that mom that sat home watching TV while pigging out on ice cream. So I over compensated and totally became that PTA mom and school volunteer and home chef that I thought I was supposed to be. We struggled financially at home since we didn’t really adjust our lifestyle to accommodate the single income. I became resentful of the lack of attention from my husband. He didn’t understand how alone I felt. I went from being a boss and leader in the corporate world to a glorified housewife. I felt as if I had been reduced to shitty diapers and talk about princesses and Disney. I was my heaviest (162 lbs and I’m only 5’3″) and didn’t even want to focus on my appearance. I looked and felt like a slob. But I just didn’t care or want it enough. How was I supposed to focus on me when I was exhausted after caring for everyone else?
Fast forward to August 2014 almost exactly a year later… I started my running program and was very motivated. What was the difference? Both of my kids were in school and were doing great. I developed a routine that incorporated dropping them off and then having free time alone to work out! I felt like the tether had been cut and for the first time in 5 years, I had time to actually focus on myself. Needless to say, the pounds started to shed. The running encouraged better eating and a healthier lifestyle for me. I found that I didn’t need sugar to cope. I wish I still had the article but I read something that sugar basically hijacks your brain to make you crave it more. It dawned on me that I am stronger than my brain’s cravings and that I’m in charge of my own brain. It clicked and I started to change my life. I felt happier and stronger. I’d lost at least 1 lb a week and was really proud of my progress since I felt I could sustain it.
Fast forward to now… my progress has continued. I’m down 9% body fat, have lost 24 lbs and am down a few dress sizes. The acceleration of my weight loss definitely has to do with my current situation since I have little appetite and constant nausea… but I don’t want to limit it to that. I’ve continued running and exercising almost daily and really feel like I’ve adopted a new lifestyle. So although I didn’t complete my goals last year, I’m proud to say that I’ve just about completed them this year. I don’t limit myself on what I can eat but I just don’t eat as much. And sugar just doesn’t interest me. Although I would still like to lose 5-10 pounds more, I feel really damn great and my self confidence in my appearance is back. I look better, dress better and actually focus more on my appearance. (And, to be honest, it has felt damn good over the last couple months having Grayheart tell me how good and sexy I look.) Oh, and another thing… there’s a beautiful thing about perspective once you’ve had kids and are in your thirties. Those hang-ups I had in my twenties about not having the perfect abs and ass? Gone. I’m just grateful I’m healthy and in better shape and have learned to accept the flaws in my body.
So, while I have been focusing on the negative aspects of a divorce, there has been one positive outcome this early in the game! And I will not let it be a temporary thing. This is just another way of me going back to the old me. 🙂
Today’s Mantra: Perspective, perspective, perspective!