Filed for Divorce

We finally filed a petition to divorce last week!

After 2.5 years of separation. (I know, it’s so embarrassing. I cringe saying it.)

Grayheart announced his misery September 2014 and moved out Nov 2014. It feels like a century ago, but at times it feels like it happened a week ago. Funny how trauma plays tricks on your mind. 

We went to the courthouse center and filled out a ton of paperwork. It’s obnoxious and tedious and a very tangible reminder of why we’ve procrastinated the process for so long. Divorce (especially with kids) is inconvenient and paper intense! I thought I’d be sadder but I felt pretty ok. Not necessarily cheerful but not glum. It just felt like we were handling business. 


I’m now waiting on notification of my hearing date. That should take about 30-60 days. I’m hoping it’s sooner than later. I’d like to get it over and done with. 

And I’d like a divorce celebration. Not a cheesy in-your-face-tacky-I’m-old-pretending-to-be-young-and-fake cool-kind of party. A symbolic and tasteful one. The kind where I bring together loved ones that kept me sane throughout this process and truly thank them for keeping me alive during the death of my marriage. I would love to have them surrounding me as I take my first steps as a “free” woman.

I’m in a good place. My separation with Grayheart has been amicable and my kids are well. We don’t argue much and tread carefully when it comes to parenting issues. Our efforts to protect the kids from unnecessary stress and pain have been well managed. I feel like I took the shittiest of situations, put my big girl pants on, and persevered. Divorce is a battle of wills and emotions. I refused to let emotions ruin my kids. (I must note that I’m fairly certain that remarkable restraint ages one at a much more accelerated pace than someone who is a loose cannon.)

I’m not proud of my divorce but I’m proud of how I’ve handled it. And I think I’m the winner because of it.

Moral of the Story: Divorce does not define me. And I win because I say so. 😉

I hope you guys are great. I have several updates but I figure this is an important one I should track on my timeline. 

xo Athena

Lemonade 🍋 & Infidelity

Even Beyoncé is not safe from a cheating spouse. 

I’m referring to her new album, Lemonade, in which she refers to infidelity and issues in what we can assume is her marriage. See this article if you want a summary. 

 
I don’t know the whole story and most is just conjecture. It seems that Beyoncé ultimately forgives Jay-Z and opts to stick with him and keep her family together, etc.  

  
But what really got me about this whole thing is just how the Internet exploded with such disdain for the alleged “side chick”, Rachel Roy. Beyonce’s fans went ballistic with the ballsy comment Roy left on her social media account. They left all kinds of nasty comments and emojis showing unity with Queen Bey (🍋🐝). 

  
And although I don’t support the bullying tactics or even dumb comments, it was refreshing to see that people still find it wrong to be the “other woman” or to even gloat about it. (I’m not even going to touch on the fact that Jay-Z is an ass and I hope has shame over the situation.) There’s nothing cool about infidelity. And I think there’s been a trend lately to just accept that it happens and get over it.

And then there’s an even bigger trend to actually leave your partner for these side hoes! Did this happen as often twenty or thirty years ago? Were people more conservative and caring of others’ judgments then? Am I just noticing it more now because my husband cheated and left our marriage?

I don’t know if the whole Beyoncé thing is a publicity stunt or her truly wanting to get these feelings off her chest. She’s making millions off of it and somehow even Rachel Roy is profiting. (You know what they say, no such thing as bad publicity.) So I might be a fool for discussing it but the whole debaucle really struck a nerve. More than it should have.

Marriage should be sacred. And respected by all. Not just the two married.

  
But as a funny side note, did y’all see the dummies that were harassing Rachael Ray? I lost my shit laughing at some of the comments!!

   
   

Sorry for the messy thoughts… xo

Collateral Damage

When your kids are sad – and I don’t mean mad or annoyed – but downright sad, it breaks your heart in a way you can’t even explain. You feel like your whole body is lead. Just heavy and dull and blah. Your brain kinda fogs up and you can’t think straight.

I’ve been in a bit of a funk since my little She-ra (7 yr old) had a difficult time the other night when I dropped her off at Daddy’s (aka Grayheart’s) house. She didn’t want to be there, didn’t want to leave me, etc. She does this frequently. Not as much lately but I figure that coming off of the weekend with me was certainly not going to have her want to leave her cozy home to start the weekend with him. (My almost 4 yr old son, though, has no issues.)

So I always leave feeling crummy. She clings to me and cries and begs. And it sucks. 

She usually gets over it soon thereafter and Grayheart normally texts me to let me know all is good. 

But this time she took a bit longer to recover. She wailed to him how unfair this whole set up is. She wanted to be at her home. Not his

So he patiently listened to her as she complained that the divorce is the cause of him not being at home. And that she doesn’t understand it, doesn’t like it and wishes he’d just move back in. 

What do you say to that?! I mean, honestly, you respond with the typical explanation: how it’s this way for a reason, blah, blah, blah… but she’s right. Divorce sucks. She’s been put in a position where she has to split her time between the two adults she loves the absolute most. And since she’s 7, she remembers having an intact household. (Whereas my son doesn’t.)

So he talked her through it – and did a nice job, I must admit – and she recovered. But it’s moments like this that just pop out of nowhere – even a year and a half later – that throw you off. That even though they’re “ok” and “doing well”, kids are collateral damage. And that is depressing.

My friend, TheEuphoricIraqiSingleMom, brought up recently the topic of staying in a loveless marriage in regards to a friend of hers. I’ve thought about it before. How much would I be willing to sacrifice to make sure my kids had an intact, whole family? Could I ever get back with Grayheart just for the kids? Could I ever forgive what he’s done to me? Could I pretend I love him just to make sure I could be with my kids all the time? 

And the answer is, I can’t. I don’t see him the same. I don’t love him like I once did. He actually repulses me, in a way. I know I’d never get back with him but sometimes I’m disappointed in myself because it seems selfish. I know from a logical standpoint that I’m being silly, but that little voice loves to taunt me at times. Especially when I have a setback with my kids.

Anyway, darling daughter is fine now and hasn’t brought up any concerns…and seemed to have a lovely weekend with her father. So, I’m guessing this is normal.

Nonetheless, divorce sucks. 

xo

Athena

Are you going to marry Captain?

Are you going to marry Captain?

That’s the text I got this morning from my ex, Grayheart.

Completely out of the blue. Right after he sent me a text letting me know the kids were dropped off at school.

 
Me: “Wha? What the hell kind of question is that?”

Grayheart: “Just curious. Not an unreasonable question. You have been dating for a year or so now.”

A few snarky responses to came to mind:

  • What the fuck does it matter to you?
  • Yes, he’s the love of my life.
  • Yes. And the kids will start calling him Dad. 
  • Hell yes, because he’s more man than you ever were.
  • Are we not still legally married? I don’t believe in bigamy.
  • Yes, I am. And, by the way, I’m pregnant. Funny because I thought I was showing.

*For the record, I am NOT pregnant and have no intention on having any other kids.*

But I am mature and composed so I  responded with: 

“The question surprises me so it caught me off guard. I don’t know what the future holds. I’m not worrying about marriage or anything like that right now. I’m happy and Captain is really good to me. Past that, I’m not giving anything else any thought. “

It’s not his business to know my relationship status with Captain. I gave him enough information so that he understands that I am in a good place. But that he doesn’t have to worry at this time about some guy he barely knows moving in to the house with his kids.

Truth is, I treat Captain as if he’s my future but I don’t waste time worrying about the next step with him. I am happy just being happy. Captain and I definitely speak of marriage and growing old together but I don’t feel pressured or rushed and it is absolutely perfect.

I knew this wasn’t over. I suspect Grayheart will soon want to have a talk. He already mentioned to a mutual friend that he wished things had gone down differently and that he misses his family. It might do us good to clear the air and draw a very firm line in the sand. 

 
Have a great weekend, mi gente!  

XO ❤️

Athena


Letter to Grayheart

Dear Grayheart,

You broke my heart into tiny little pieces. You told me you were unhappy and thought we were fundamentally different. Although that was devastating, I could understand where you were coming from. I, too,felt on many occasions unsure of my marriage. But my fear of failure and my love for you and my deep desire to never harm our children and break up our family prevented me from ever taking action.

I always thought that you and I could work through anything. That although we had our ups and downs, this descent would be followed by the certainty of the ascent. Isn’t that what marriage is? Not giving up when the going gets tough? In sickness and in health? You once told me that divorce was incomprehensible and that you would never leave me. At our parting, you then told me you thought I took advantage of that notion. That I neglected you as a husband. Do you not remember me leaving you sleeping in bed to tend to our crying children so that you could rest? Do you not remember me calling you at work to say hi only to be rushed off the phone because you were busy? Did you forget all the activities I supported you in? Your hobbies, your athletic events, your travel for work? Who held down the fort with our home and kids when you were not around? Yes, I could’ve done more to show you my appreciation but my resentment of your selfishness took over. My contempt for your coldness replaced my cheery disposition with stony silence. You stopped listening to me and, without really realizing it, I retaliated.

I shouldn’t be shocked that you were so unhappy. But I attributed it more to your own shortcomings and damaged upbringing rather than realize you were just unhappy with me. But I could handle it. As sad as it was, I thought maybe it was the right thing.

What I wasn’t prepared for, though, was for you to lie to me repeatedly about your friendship with a co-worker. A lesbian in her mid-twenties that I then discovered you’d been chatting with on a daily basis on your cell phone the moment you confessed your misery in marriage. You gave up on the marriage because you had a safety net. You found someone that made you feel light and good. Someone excited to hear from you, someone to admire your expertise and wit and charm. She is 15 years your junior. She is fucked up. She is easy. She doesn’t nag you or have screaming kids or years of baggage with you. You might have been unhappy in our marriage but you didn’t try to work through it because you had her. And the moment you thought you were free, you pursued her. You might even feel like more of a “man” because you converted the lesbian with your dick you’re so proud of. You keep it secret from everyone at work, though, because you both know how pathetic the entire situation is. You tried to convince me that she was nothing more than an emotional void filler. I believe that but I don’t think you realize how much damage you’re doing to yourself and your family. You emotionally walked out on me, not wanting to fully leave until I finally pushed you out the door. You played me for a fool. I kept you at home for 2 months thinking it was best for the kids to not deal with the family destruction until after the holidays. And I secretly had hope that you would realize what a mistake parting would be. I didn’t have confirmation about your thing with the Whore until I did my own snooping late October. And then you had the nerve to get upset with me for violating your privacy!

You are self destructive and selfish and weak. You are gone from my home and I’ve slept better in the last 3.5 weeks than I have in the last 3 months! I’m sad, I’m shattered, I’m hurt, I feel betrayed, I feel foolish, I’m angry, I’m disappointed and I fear the unknown. But I will ultimately be victorious. I will heal. I will do it properly. I will be successful and I will find myself. I will use the fire lit within me to propel me towards things I shied away from previously. I know one day I’ll find love but that’s not my goal here. Not now. I am going to use this to make a better me for my kids and for myself. I will show them what someone strong and healthy can accomplish.

I desperately hope that the next time I write you a letter, it is to thank you for releasing me. For doing what I didn’t have the courage to do. I pray that the happiness I am now capable of has no limit and that I will be stronger and wiser as a result. I’m terrified now but I have faith. A new path has been set for me and I’m taking the journey that’s now summoning me its way. ❤️

No hay mal que por bien no venga…