Marriage after Divorce?

I’ve been with Captain for 3.5 years and have experienced nothing but the best of the best in my relationship. This man has nursed my emotional wounds, treats me like a queen, and loves me down to my soul. Add to it all that he is fantastic with my children, is crazy handsome, and a hard working man… well, I’ve hit the love lottery. I have never been so fulfilled and emotionally complete in my life.

So it’s natural that we discuss marriage and our future together. I only see a future with him. I would love to call him my husband and live a long, beautiful life with him. And he is very much on the same page.

But I do not want to move an hour away to the Keys where there is absolutely nothing to do but drink and go boating. Fabulous if you’re on vacation, dull and slow for a full time experience. I cannot picture raising my children there. I enjoy the network I have here in Miami. My job, my family, my friends, my things… If I was single without kids, I’d just move and suck it up.

The other obvious option is that Captain could move to Miami and just do the hour commute each morning for work. Except it’s draining. He fishes for a living. And getting up at 4 am to get back that way in time to gear up and meet his clients… not very sustainable. It’s not that it’s impossible, but we’ve done it many times over and it’s very challenging. I can’t imagine he would be able to do it full time without wearing himself out. (And just to be clear, the distance is close to 60 miles. It’s not the “hour” that’s the issue, it’s the traffic depending on the time of day that makes an hour anything from 1-3 hours depending which direction you’re heading and time of day. And luck, of course.)

Captain says I talk about marriage and seem all excited but when he starts to get ready to pull the trigger, I give him the big block. I’m not ready yet. (He’s never proposed but I guess I’m inconsistent in how I approach the marriage thing.)

I think I hesitate because our marriage would be “unconventional.” It would be two households, sharing time, going back and forth, etc. We’d be 100% committed and probably do a great job at keeping it exciting and happy because we’d never get tired of each other. (He thinks it’s the perfect setup!) I worry that I would eventually become resentful of having to “rough” it a good bit of the time on my own, even though I wouldn’t be alone. If I was just plain alone, there’s no one to be annoyed with that I had to on my own manage a dinosaur-sized iguana found entwined in the soccer net of my backyard as the maggots and other neighborhood scavengers picked at his dead body. (Yes, true story.)

I’d prefer a more traditional set up. And I know he would, too. But that’s not an option right now for me. So maybe now is not the time? There certainly is no rush.

I know every other aspect of being with him would be perfect. I trust and believe in him… in us. I love him and know we will figure it out, but I’m also at a point in my life that I know Love is not always enough when it comes to marriage.

It would be nice to hear if anyone has experience with or knows of any successful untraditional marriages.

❤️ Athena

Oh, who are the people in your neighborhood?

Growing up, we watched Sesame Street. There was a song that went something like:

Oh, who are the people in your neighborhood?

In your neighborhood?

In your neighborhood?

Say, who are the people in your neighborhood?

The people that you meet each day.

Nowhere there do I see that your ex-husband should be the people in your neighborhood. 😑

I nearly had a heart attack when my 9 year old daughter mentioned something about Daddy checking out a house for sale in the next cul-de-sac. They toured an open house on my block!!

Made me sick to my stomach. Want to throw up, queasy, oh hell no, kind of sick.

Sometimes I ask myself how it can be fair that you can still have to see someone you cannot stand on such a frequent basis? If Grayheart could just consistently be nice or normal (or just consistent) then I wouldn’t have to want to punch him in his smug face so often.

Don’t exes want to avoid each other? I don’t want to see him more often than I have to! No one loves their kids enough to want to move 5 houses away. Just leave me alone, dude.

So I asked him about it. Claims they stopped by on a whim just for fun while they happened to drive by. That there’s no way he could even afford a house in the neighborhood. I’m calling bullshit. He can’t afford it is right. But that it was a chance thing? Nope. I think he’s just trying to mind-f*ck me. Make me crazy.

And it’s almost working. Almost.

Happy Divorce Anniversary to Me

I completely missed that a little over a year ago I officially divorced from Grayheart. So happy anniversary to me for that milestone!

It’s been over 3 and a half years since we separated. And as I reflect, I’ve noticed a few things.

1. I no longer have the “need” or even desire to understand what went wrong. I no longer dissect it or try to make sense of it. He is a selfish man, I married the wrong person, and I now know better.
2. I’ve learned from my mistakes. I think I was still a good wife but there are many things I could have done better. I am a better partner now. I appreciate things that truly matter. Little things count.
3. Nothing lasts forever and there’s a sort of comfort you have the first time around that leaves you after a divorce. You no longer sit comfortably thinking you can’t be dethroned. Someone can vow to love you forever but they won’t stick around if you’re no longer lovable. Anyone can be replaced. Sounds negative but I feel like it’s just a more realistic point of view. And it pretty much applies to all in life.
4. I’m fiercer and less willing to put up with anything I think is beneath me. I refuse to fall into old patterns in relationships.
5. My bond with my kids is even stronger than I thought possible. I grateful for every moment with them since I now see them less than I would have if I’d had an intact household.
6. It’s not fair but I have to put in more effort than my ex does when it comes to the kids. I do more and that’s just the way it is. It’s draining at times but whining that life isn’t fair just doesn’t help.
7. The things that drove me crazy about my ex still annoy the hell out of me. But I don’t have to deal with him in my face every day. I’m free from his darkness.
8. I no longer feel like I need to be connected somehow to Grayheart. We are not really friends. We are family, I guess? It’s reminiscent of an annoying cousin you care for and would be there for if they need you, but you don’t really talk to often. Every now and then he and I have a good quality conversation, especially about the kids. But I prefer not to be around him.
9. His life has not drastically improved since we parted. He’s in debt. His weight has fluctuated. He’s changed jobs. He’s no longer friends with the “divorce is awesome” crew that encouraged the single life. He is no longer with Raggedy (she moved to Maryland). He has the kids to truly be proud of but that’s because I take care of everything. He’s screwed up everything around him.
10. I have moments of frustration and sadness for my children but I haven’t cried about my divorce since the day it was officially confirmed. I think I poured out everything left at that moment. There is magic that happens within the 2 to 3 year mark. You really do heal. If you do it the right way. I faced it, received wonderful counseling, and managed to co-parent well through the worst of it. And somewhere along the way, I found a magnificent man as a partner.

So happy anniversary to me. I won’t “celebrate” it because I no longer define myself by it. It’s old news and I’m too busy moving straight ahead! I wish those of you going through a divorce a ton of strength and faith through the process. It does get better.

xo Athena

Shi…ngles

I got shingles, y’all! *slow clap*

It’s kinda fun to say. Shhhh… ingles? Sh-ing-les. Sh-in-gulls. Shin-gals. Shhhhh. Whatever. I got it. 

Apparently, you don’t need to be over 60 to have it. 

Those effers have been living in my nerve cells latent for 33 years and decided to pop in for an uninvited visit this week. Bastards.

I’m annoyed because I’m not stressed and this is usually the cause of onset. I’m actually on summer break from teaching and having a lovely time! 

Only thing I can think is maybe my brain is creeping behind my back and subversively worrying about finances?

Grayheart, my ex-husband, recently quit his long-term, secure job. Why? No good reason. He hated his job and wanted to pursue his business ventures in the restaurant industry is pretty much why. Idiot. 

It’s not my business what he does as long as he parents well and pays for his child support. He will continue to pay his child support as-is but I just don’t trust him. So on a teacher’s salary, you can understand why I might quietly fret? Anyway, I’m pushing it out of my mind and just focusing on the now and not the “what if” of the situation. I didn’t think it was bothering me enough to cause me trouble but it’s possible that my body is just tired of constantly fighting everything over the last 3 years? (This shingles thing is his fault, of course.)

As a side note, Grayheart broke up with Raggedy Ann. I think this is the fifth time? 🙄 (I met her, by the way. Another story, another time. Nothing exciting.) 

Oh! And he then immediately got a vasectomy. I think Raggedy was hinting at wanting her own kids. Lmao!

*Don’t mind me as I snicker at their demise.*

I know, petty. But, fuck, I’m dealing with shingles! Cut me some slack! 

———————————-

So… back to me. Life is pretty damn good right now. I’m heading to the Turks & Caicos in a couple of weeks with Captain. He and I are wonderful! I’m still gushy in love. ❤️ My kids are fantastic and I’ve been doing so many fun things with them this summer! I’ve kept to my resolution of reading a book a month and have been reading the Outlander novels! (And love them!) I’m back to running again after a very long hiatus! And I’ve got 5 more weeks of summer break! Woohoo! Life will be all good again once I’m back to normal. 🙌🏽

Hope everyone is enjoying their summer! (Or winter for you Southern Hemisphere folks!) 

😘 Athena 

Filed for Divorce

We finally filed a petition to divorce last week!

After 2.5 years of separation. (I know, it’s so embarrassing. I cringe saying it.)

Grayheart announced his misery September 2014 and moved out Nov 2014. It feels like a century ago, but at times it feels like it happened a week ago. Funny how trauma plays tricks on your mind. 

We went to the courthouse center and filled out a ton of paperwork. It’s obnoxious and tedious and a very tangible reminder of why we’ve procrastinated the process for so long. Divorce (especially with kids) is inconvenient and paper intense! I thought I’d be sadder but I felt pretty ok. Not necessarily cheerful but not glum. It just felt like we were handling business. 

I’m now waiting on notification of my hearing date. That should take about 30-60 days. I’m hoping it’s sooner than later. I’d like to get it over and done with. 

And I’d like a divorce celebration. Not a cheesy in-your-face-tacky-I’m-old-pretending-to-be-young-and-fake cool-kind of party. A symbolic and tasteful one. The kind where I bring together loved ones that kept me sane throughout this process and truly thank them for keeping me alive during the death of my marriage. I would love to have them surrounding me as I take my first steps as a “free” woman.

I’m in a good place. My separation with Grayheart has been amicable and my kids are well. We don’t argue much and tread carefully when it comes to parenting issues. Our efforts to protect the kids from unnecessary stress and pain have been well managed. I feel like I took the shittiest of situations, put my big girl pants on, and persevered. Divorce is a battle of wills and emotions. I refused to let emotions ruin my kids. (I must note that I’m fairly certain that remarkable restraint ages one at a much more accelerated pace than someone who is a loose cannon.)

I’m not proud of my divorce but I’m proud of how I’ve handled it. And I think I’m the winner because of it.

Moral of the Story: Divorce does not define me. And I win because I say so. 😉

I hope you guys are great. I have several updates but I figure this is an important one I should track on my timeline. 

xo Athena

Public Service Announcement

   
I saw this and couldn’t resist sharing! 😉

xo 

Lemonade 🍋 & Infidelity

Even Beyoncé is not safe from a cheating spouse. 

I’m referring to her new album, Lemonade, in which she refers to infidelity and issues in what we can assume is her marriage. See this article if you want a summary. 

 
I don’t know the whole story and most is just conjecture. It seems that Beyoncé ultimately forgives Jay-Z and opts to stick with him and keep her family together, etc.  

  
But what really got me about this whole thing is just how the Internet exploded with such disdain for the alleged “side chick”, Rachel Roy. Beyonce’s fans went ballistic with the ballsy comment Roy left on her social media account. They left all kinds of nasty comments and emojis showing unity with Queen Bey (🍋🐝). 

  
And although I don’t support the bullying tactics or even dumb comments, it was refreshing to see that people still find it wrong to be the “other woman” or to even gloat about it. (I’m not even going to touch on the fact that Jay-Z is an ass and I hope has shame over the situation.) There’s nothing cool about infidelity. And I think there’s been a trend lately to just accept that it happens and get over it.

And then there’s an even bigger trend to actually leave your partner for these side hoes! Did this happen as often twenty or thirty years ago? Were people more conservative and caring of others’ judgments then? Am I just noticing it more now because my husband cheated and left our marriage?

I don’t know if the whole Beyoncé thing is a publicity stunt or her truly wanting to get these feelings off her chest. She’s making millions off of it and somehow even Rachel Roy is profiting. (You know what they say, no such thing as bad publicity.) So I might be a fool for discussing it but the whole debaucle really struck a nerve. More than it should have.

Marriage should be sacred. And respected by all. Not just the two married.

  
But as a funny side note, did y’all see the dummies that were harassing Rachael Ray? I lost my shit laughing at some of the comments!!

   
   

Sorry for the messy thoughts… xo

Captain – One Year Later

Captain and I recently celebrated our one year anniversary. It’s hard to believe that what started as a connection on Match.com has turned into a really wonderful and healthy relationship. 

 
Captain was married once before. His ex-wife suffers from bipolar disorder.  He took care of her and they loved each other a great deal.  At some point, though, she was out of town and had an affair/one-night stand during a manic episode there. She, of course, regretted the indiscretion and hid it for some time.  

Well, we all know the saying: The truth always comes out.  It crushed him when he found out. That was the one and only thing he said he’d never forgive. Captain immediately filed for divorce. The marriage lasted about 3 years and she probably hid her secret for almost a year. He couldn’t forgive her infidelity. He felt as if he’d been played for a fool.

Fidelity, loyalty and trust are important traits for him. The lessons he learned from his divorce have given him a no-nonsense view on what to expect and how to be in a relationship. He’s never played games with me and holds himself to as high of standards as he holds me. I appreciate this and easily follow suit.   

  
Most of you know my story and how my husband, Grayheart, broke my heart.  The separation, albeit tough, was not the most devastating aspect of the whole situation since I’d been unhappy for a long time.  It was the start of the emotional affair with his co-worker whore/later-turned-girlfriend, Raggedy, and the sneakiness that really did me in.  

  
I was pushed out of my comfy, predictable life and all of a sudden thrown into a whirlwind of uncertainties and emotions. I didn’t think I would fall in love again and I, sure as shit, did not think I’d ever trust a man.  I figured I’d casually date for years until one day I’d meet a quality guy I’d like to spend time with. And then the universe knocked me on my ass and connected me with a man that made my heart skip a beat.  

Captain’s past experiences, kindness and love for me really have given me faith.  I believe that there might actually be good and valiant men out there that are capable of cherishing a deserving woman.  I trust this man more with my feelings than I ever have any man.  I grew up hearing that relationships were incredibly hard work.  And so I tolerated so much crap from Grayheart thinking that’s what marriage was. But what if they don’t have to be that hard?  

What if good relationships were meant to navigate the tough times together and keep each other lifted when the outside world threw challenges at you?  

What if you could be two different people but co-exist well together without bringing each other down?

I had moments like that during my marriage but the majority of it was weighed down by Grayheart’s negativity.  But I trucked on… because that’s what marriage was?

I am wiser now, I’d like to think. I value things differently and am a better partner as a result of a failed marriage. I’d like to think that Captain and I work so well together because we both appreciate the things we previously took for granted. I promised myself that I will never put my relationship in cruise control. 

So, if there’s one good thing that’s come out of this experience, it’s not just finding but really appreciating a man like Captain. 

 

How did we celebrate our one year anniversary? We re-did our first date. It was just as magical. This time, though, I took him home with me! 😉

  
Thanks for letting me be gushy. Lol! Here’s to love! 🍾
XO

My Mother-in-law

My Mother-in-law’s birthday was last week but we didn’t connect until a few days later.  I don’t speak much with her but we have always had a good relationship.

My MIL is an interesting woman. She suffers from panic disorders, anxiety and depression. She’s witnessed the death of two husbands and has a really screwed up family. She’s overweight, a chain smoker, always has some sort of ailment, etc. I feel her sons (Grayheart included) are often too hard on her and don’t understand or sympathize with her.

I’m not her daughter so I can’t attest to how good of a mom she was to her sons while raising them. They harbor resentment even though they all have a relationship with her. I think they’re often too abrasive with her given how sensitive she is… but it’s not my business.

She’s not the most active grandmother but she cares for my rugrats and checks up on them every so often. She remembers birthdays and always send Christmas gifts. She usually visits once a year from up North. She’s always been kind to me so I don’t have any complaints.

I feel like she’s only capable of so much given her history and disorders. I haven’t really spoken to her more than maybe twice in the last year.  I know she cares. She’s just different.

So we caught up on the family and she asked how I was. I replied I was doing well and that Grayheart and I were doing a nice job handling the kids throughout the divorce. And then I let it slip that his girlfriend, Raggedy Ann, had met the kids and all was fine.

She had no idea he had a girlfriend.

They’ve been together over a year now.

I didn’t get into any details with her about it. But I sure as hell made sure she knew this was the woman that was an active participant in the destruction of our marriage.

So I’m taking it that Grayheart is still a bit embarrassed about his rough beginnings with Raggedy. And doesn’t want to be judged for it.

Fucker.

But as meaningless as it is, part of me felt good that he’s kept this part of his life semi-compartmentalized. I had a small and temporary feeling of superiority. Silly, I know. But sometimes it’s these little things that make you feel better.

I’m finally putting my mother-in-law’s bday card in the mail now. Better late than never.

xo