Filed for Divorce

We finally filed a petition to divorce last week!

After 2.5 years of separation. (I know, it’s so embarrassing. I cringe saying it.)

Grayheart announced his misery September 2014 and moved out Nov 2014. It feels like a century ago, but at times it feels like it happened a week ago. Funny how trauma plays tricks on your mind. 

We went to the courthouse center and filled out a ton of paperwork. It’s obnoxious and tedious and a very tangible reminder of why we’ve procrastinated the process for so long. Divorce (especially with kids) is inconvenient and paper intense! I thought I’d be sadder but I felt pretty ok. Not necessarily cheerful but not glum. It just felt like we were handling business. 


I’m now waiting on notification of my hearing date. That should take about 30-60 days. I’m hoping it’s sooner than later. I’d like to get it over and done with. 

And I’d like a divorce celebration. Not a cheesy in-your-face-tacky-I’m-old-pretending-to-be-young-and-fake cool-kind of party. A symbolic and tasteful one. The kind where I bring together loved ones that kept me sane throughout this process and truly thank them for keeping me alive during the death of my marriage. I would love to have them surrounding me as I take my first steps as a “free” woman.

I’m in a good place. My separation with Grayheart has been amicable and my kids are well. We don’t argue much and tread carefully when it comes to parenting issues. Our efforts to protect the kids from unnecessary stress and pain have been well managed. I feel like I took the shittiest of situations, put my big girl pants on, and persevered. Divorce is a battle of wills and emotions. I refused to let emotions ruin my kids. (I must note that I’m fairly certain that remarkable restraint ages one at a much more accelerated pace than someone who is a loose cannon.)

I’m not proud of my divorce but I’m proud of how I’ve handled it. And I think I’m the winner because of it.

Moral of the Story: Divorce does not define me. And I win because I say so. 😉

I hope you guys are great. I have several updates but I figure this is an important one I should track on my timeline. 

xo Athena

Lemonade 🍋 & Infidelity

Even Beyoncé is not safe from a cheating spouse. 

I’m referring to her new album, Lemonade, in which she refers to infidelity and issues in what we can assume is her marriage. See this article if you want a summary. 

 
I don’t know the whole story and most is just conjecture. It seems that Beyoncé ultimately forgives Jay-Z and opts to stick with him and keep her family together, etc.  

  
But what really got me about this whole thing is just how the Internet exploded with such disdain for the alleged “side chick”, Rachel Roy. Beyonce’s fans went ballistic with the ballsy comment Roy left on her social media account. They left all kinds of nasty comments and emojis showing unity with Queen Bey (🍋🐝). 

  
And although I don’t support the bullying tactics or even dumb comments, it was refreshing to see that people still find it wrong to be the “other woman” or to even gloat about it. (I’m not even going to touch on the fact that Jay-Z is an ass and I hope has shame over the situation.) There’s nothing cool about infidelity. And I think there’s been a trend lately to just accept that it happens and get over it.

And then there’s an even bigger trend to actually leave your partner for these side hoes! Did this happen as often twenty or thirty years ago? Were people more conservative and caring of others’ judgments then? Am I just noticing it more now because my husband cheated and left our marriage?

I don’t know if the whole Beyoncé thing is a publicity stunt or her truly wanting to get these feelings off her chest. She’s making millions off of it and somehow even Rachel Roy is profiting. (You know what they say, no such thing as bad publicity.) So I might be a fool for discussing it but the whole debaucle really struck a nerve. More than it should have.

Marriage should be sacred. And respected by all. Not just the two married.

  
But as a funny side note, did y’all see the dummies that were harassing Rachael Ray? I lost my shit laughing at some of the comments!!

   
   

Sorry for the messy thoughts… xo

Captain – One Year Later

Captain and I recently celebrated our one year anniversary. It’s hard to believe that what started as a connection on Match.com has turned into a really wonderful and healthy relationship. 

 
Captain was married once before. His ex-wife suffers from bipolar disorder.  He took care of her and they loved each other a great deal.  At some point, though, she was out of town and had an affair/one-night stand during a manic episode there. She, of course, regretted the indiscretion and hid it for some time.  

Well, we all know the saying: The truth always comes out.  It crushed him when he found out. That was the one and only thing he said he’d never forgive. Captain immediately filed for divorce. The marriage lasted about 3 years and she probably hid her secret for almost a year. He couldn’t forgive her infidelity. He felt as if he’d been played for a fool.

Fidelity, loyalty and trust are important traits for him. The lessons he learned from his divorce have given him a no-nonsense view on what to expect and how to be in a relationship. He’s never played games with me and holds himself to as high of standards as he holds me. I appreciate this and easily follow suit.   

  
Most of you know my story and how my husband, Grayheart, broke my heart.  The separation, albeit tough, was not the most devastating aspect of the whole situation since I’d been unhappy for a long time.  It was the start of the emotional affair with his co-worker whore/later-turned-girlfriend, Raggedy, and the sneakiness that really did me in.  

  
I was pushed out of my comfy, predictable life and all of a sudden thrown into a whirlwind of uncertainties and emotions. I didn’t think I would fall in love again and I, sure as shit, did not think I’d ever trust a man.  I figured I’d casually date for years until one day I’d meet a quality guy I’d like to spend time with. And then the universe knocked me on my ass and connected me with a man that made my heart skip a beat.  

Captain’s past experiences, kindness and love for me really have given me faith.  I believe that there might actually be good and valiant men out there that are capable of cherishing a deserving woman.  I trust this man more with my feelings than I ever have any man.  I grew up hearing that relationships were incredibly hard work.  And so I tolerated so much crap from Grayheart thinking that’s what marriage was. But what if they don’t have to be that hard?  

What if good relationships were meant to navigate the tough times together and keep each other lifted when the outside world threw challenges at you?  

What if you could be two different people but co-exist well together without bringing each other down?

I had moments like that during my marriage but the majority of it was weighed down by Grayheart’s negativity.  But I trucked on… because that’s what marriage was?

I am wiser now, I’d like to think. I value things differently and am a better partner as a result of a failed marriage. I’d like to think that Captain and I work so well together because we both appreciate the things we previously took for granted. I promised myself that I will never put my relationship in cruise control. 

So, if there’s one good thing that’s come out of this experience, it’s not just finding but really appreciating a man like Captain. 

 

How did we celebrate our one year anniversary? We re-did our first date. It was just as magical. This time, though, I took him home with me! 😉

  
Thanks for letting me be gushy. Lol! Here’s to love! 🍾
XO

My Mother-in-law

My Mother-in-law’s birthday was last week but we didn’t connect until a few days later.  I don’t speak much with her but we have always had a good relationship.

My MIL is an interesting woman. She suffers from panic disorders, anxiety and depression. She’s witnessed the death of two husbands and has a really screwed up family. She’s overweight, a chain smoker, always has some sort of ailment, etc. I feel her sons (Grayheart included) are often too hard on her and don’t understand or sympathize with her.

I’m not her daughter so I can’t attest to how good of a mom she was to her sons while raising them. They harbor resentment even though they all have a relationship with her. I think they’re often too abrasive with her given how sensitive she is… but it’s not my business.

Mother memeShe’s not the most active grandmother but she cares for my rugrats and checks up on them every so often. She remembers birthdays and always send Christmas gifts. She usually visits once a year from up North. She’s always been kind to me so I don’t have any complaints.

I feel like she’s only capable of so much given her history and disorders. I haven’t really spoken to her more than maybe twice in the last year.  I know she cares. She’s just different.

So we caught up on the family and she asked how I was. I replied I was doing well and that Grayheart and I were doing a nice job handling the kids throughout the divorce. And then I let it slip that his girlfriend, Raggedy Ann, had met the kids and all was fine.

She had no idea he had a girlfriend.

They’ve been together over a year now.

I didn’t get into any details with her about it. But I sure as hell made sure she knew this was the woman that was an active participant in the destruction of our marriage.

So I’m taking it that Grayheart is still a bit embarrassed about his rough beginnings with Raggedy. And doesn’t want to be judged for it.

Fucker.

But as meaningless as it is, part of me felt good that he’s kept this part of his life semi-compartmentalized. I had a small and temporary feeling of superiority. Silly, I know. But sometimes it’s these little things that make you feel better.

I’m finally putting my mother-in-law’s bday card in the mail now. Better late than never.

xo