Christmas with the kids

The two week Christmas break from school for the kids (my 3 yr old son & 6 yr old daughter) was split with the first week being with my ex, Grayheart, while the second week was spent with me. 

That first week I traveled to Colorado and came back Christmas Eve. (Captain headed out of town to visit his family for Christmas.) The kids did dinner that evening with me and my family; what we call Noche Buena. Grayheart picked the kids up late that night and they stayed over at his house. They woke Christmas morning at his home. They called me over and I got to watch them open presents there. (Raggedy was out of town visiting her own family.)  

My princess of power

 
Then I took the kids home with me while Grayheart followed behind and had them open gifts at my house. We had a really nice time all together as a family. It was nostalgically nice. Grayheart was pleasant, we chatted in a friendly manner and none of it felt fake. I then took the kids (on my own) to abuela’s house (aka my mom) to then do gift exchanges there. 

 

My little He-man

   
The kids went back to Grayheart’s house late afternoon. Captain drove back and met me at my home so we could celebrate Christmas evening together. We exchanged gifts* and then watched Star Wars at the movies! (Which was amaze-balls!) 

Captain celebrating his new GoPro

 

All things considered, it was a wonderful Christmas! There was lots of positive energy, everyone was cheerful and we did a great job sharing our children. 

*I’m going to gush a second…Captain was amazing! He got me a few books he thought I’d love, a mani/pedi certificate to use on a day he is working, salsa lessons for us to do together, paintball day and archery lessons! He’s paid such close attention to me…it had me in tears. It’s been so long since I’ve been loved like this. And I don’t quite think I’ve ever been loved better.

  
Hope you all enjoyed the holidays! 

(Please excuse the mess in my home! Eek!)

😘

A year ago…

A year ago Grayheart moved out. We’d started our separation discussions and plans in September 2014 but he moved out the Sunday before Thanksgiving 2014. 

We spent Thanksgiving together as a family and it went smoothly.  

For many months, he visited my home nightly (he didn’t have a place he could take them to) and stayed over the nights I would go out (ex. Friday night fun, etc.).  It was torture having to see him so frequently and go through the pain of knowing he was enjoying his life with his mistress, Raggedy Ann.  But I powered through and knew that the kids were doing well due to the united front.

Fast forward to 2015.  Grayheart rents a townhouse and we have separated our lives. He’s a great father and takes the kids twice a week for dinner and now has them overnight every Thursday and every other weekend. The kids are doing really well, all things considered. I’ve taken them to a child psychologist and she’s very happy with their progress.

As for my relationship with him… We have our ups and downs. We get along in a superficial manner and I try to avoid getting into any deep conversations with him. I’m still angry and hurt. Not like I was before but it still lingers. I feel at times like I have things that were left unsaid.  I won’t bother going there but at times it gnaws at me.  

I’ve been reflecting as Thanksgiving comes upon us and things have changed a lot in a year. But I got through it and am grateful.

So this year, my mom will host Thanksgiving again. My kids will be with me. And my lovely boyfriend, Captain, will be attending. *smile*

And Grayheart asked if he could come by. *frown*

And I said yes. *grimace*

What was I supposed to say?

He has no family here and I would hate to separate him from the kids. 

Sigh. You know the saying “The road to hell is paved with good intentions”? Yeah, that’s me. Always me. Lol!

Wish me luck! 

  
Hope all of you have an easy and happy Thanksgiving this year! Lots to be thankful for! 

XO

Grayheart left to NY

Grayheart left yesterday afternoon to NY to see his family. Felt a bit sad about it. I’ve varied between feeling nostalgic and morose to all of a sudden feeling a burst of self confidence today.

Yesterday night I weeped over the loss of my marriage and what seemed like the beginning of a new routine for the holidays. New traditions will be started, the kids will have holidays split… the typical divorce blues during this season. I’d been reminiscing a lot these days, too. I’ve had regret over ways I could have been a better wife and just kept wondering to myself if I would ever take Grayheart back (if he asked).

Then today I went for a long run with my best friend’s husband and it felt like an awakening. As we chatted about what’s been going on in my life and he helped put things in perspective, I had a revelation of sorts. I realized I deserved more. A good father is important but what I need is a good partner as well. So as I thought through all the things I settled for as a result of fear of being without him or breaking up my family, it angered me that I was so insecure and weak for so long. Not that the anger at myself is healthy but it provides motivation to continue to head in the opposite direction of Grayheart. I know that deep down I’ve been hoping he’d have an about face and realize his mistakes. And that he’d really change to be a better partner to me. But I keep wanting him to change. That should be a sign to myself that we are just not compatible as is – besides all the damage that’s been done – and I should accept it for what this is. A breakup. And an opportunity for a more fulfilling life.

I’m sure that since I’m Sybil these days, I’ll have some sort of change of heart soon but for now I’m going to enjoy him being gone these few days. Out of sight (hopefully) out of mind! And I’m going out to dinner with my girlfriends tonight so woohoo!

Hope you all are enjoying the holidays! ❤️

Today’s Mantra: I will be brazen with self confidence today. Today I’m Superwoman!