So, last night I thought I had a mosquito bite on my lower back. I scratched (yes, guilty) and woke up this morning to basically find my entire lower back to be appropriated by freaking hives! So, obviously, I’m living off of Benadryl until I can not feel like I’m on fire. Stress does some crazy shit to you. It’s now nighttime and it has spread to my legs and stomach. Good thing I’m not intimate with anyone these days!
So, Grayheart came over for dinner tonight. I attempted to be nice by giving him a kiss on the cheek “hello” as we do in these parts and it sure as hell caught him off-guard. We had dinner as a family, the kids shared their day and we then put up our Christmas tree. He was a bit distant with me but polite at least. I caught him nostalgically looking at some of the family pictures on the wall. (Bastard.) He then bathed the children and we each put one of our rugrats to bed. Afterward, he asked me if there was anything he needed to be caught up on. I really was just missing him today and wanted to have a heart to heart conversation so I asked him how he was doing and if he was happier now. He responded that he’s “in some ways, yes” (knife plunges deeper in my heart) but that he really misses the kids. He’s eager now to buy a place as close as possible to our house. We said good bye (no physical contact this time) and he left. I, of course, proceeded to cry but then pondered the point of being so sad.
Why am I so sad? I’m sad because I still have hope in my heart that this story will have a happy ending. I feel like that 17 year old girl again that feverishly prayed to God that her newly separated parents would one day end up back together. It’s reduced me to feelings I had 17 years ago! I can’t help but wish that Grayheart would just come tumbling back through my door and tell me that he’s the world’s biggest idiot and just can’t live without me. And that he would change. That he is madly in love with me and saw the error of his ways.. And wanted to be truly connected and keep our beautiful family intact. Well, all a dream. Didn’t someone once say that hope is the worst of all evils because it prolongs your torment? Well, that’s me. Torment, nice to see you again. I’ve been expecting you today. 😦
So, I was inspired to write. But writing on paper can be slow. Typing is faster. So here I came up with the idea to blog about my experience. I’ll back fill posts with my story and how I got to the present time. (I have journaled in a diary so I can take lots from there.) I think this will allow me to make better decisions and just vent. I have to put on my big girl pants and focus on me and not base my day on his interaction with me. This will be my therapy. And my revenge, in a way. I can do things without him and will relish my little secret blogging life. Or maybe the release of pent up sadness and anxiety will help my hives!
Okay, gotta go, my two year old is crying for Daddy. Jeez. This sucks.
Today’s Mantra: Get over him. He’s getting over you.