Grayheart on Vacation

Grayheart is on vacation with Raggedy Ann at some beach place. He’ll be gone over the Labor Day weekend. For some reason, when I thought he was just driving to some beach in Florida, I was pretty okay with the idea. Then I got a text from him that he landed and wanted to say hi to the kids.

What.the.fuck?

All of a sudden it pissed me off. I pictured him off on some Caribbean beach having taken her on an all expense paid vacation. Spending money on her.  Bleh.  Or worse. Going to a place we’d dreamed of going together. 

I know it’s not reasonable. I know I’ve traveled now a good bit with Captain. I just can’t help but hate on him and her. The idea of them having fun on some exotic vacation just irks me. 

And today I’m subbing for a music class.  These lil punks have recorders and are playing music on dem things as well as the piano. Kill me now. 

Happy hour anyone?

  

Mother’s Day Recap

I hope you all had a wonderful Mother’s Day! 

My mother’s day was quite nice.  The kids made me breakfast in bed.  Since they’re only 3 and 6, Grayheart came over and helped them in this endeavor.  My little rugrats then presented me with a cute card and necklace that has their names inscribed on it.  (I love it!)  I was surprised to see that Grayheart, also, gave me a card and some chocolates.  

 
I thought it was a sweet gesture and he was thoughtful with what he wrote.  I’m a damn good mom and I’m glad he recognizes it.  

He left shortly after breakfast and we didn’t talk much but he gets a point for effort.  This is actually the second card he’s gotten me this year.  (I don’t think I mentioned that he got me a birthday card in April.  Not much was written but it was a nice move.)  His birthday is now coming up this week…I guess the question is should I get him a birthday card as well?  

The rest of the day was spent with my wonderful mom, grandmother, kids and rest of my family.  We had a lovely homecooked brunch.   I relaxed and did pretty much nothing most of the day.

Captain came to visit after the kids went to sleep that night.  He brought me sushi and we had our own little picnic.  And oooweeee! Did I get a rockin present that night!  Something to do with whipped cream and dessert… 😉

To all my mommy blog friends out there, I hope you were treated like the queens you are!

Mother’s Day Mantra:  I am Wonder Woman.  I deserve a day off from saving the world! 

  

Last Week in Rewind – Dating 

The theme for my previous week seems to be “dating.”

I decided to give Julius a chance for a first date since he seemed to be such a nice guy.  I felt a bit guilty because I’d really been talking and seeing Captain quite a bit.

Tuesday – My kids were staying the night with Grayheart – for the first time at his new place! – and I was going to have my first evening home alone.  It was strange…I was looking forward to the break and a night of uninterrupted rest yet a little glum that this divorce milestone had now been reached.

I met Julius up for drinks and dinner at a cafe in a nice part of town.  I was, of course, late.  But only by 10 minutes!  My first impression was that he was a clean-cut, intelligent, good looking man.  He instantly told me I was beautiful and continued with sweet compliments throughout the evening.  (Flattery will get you everywhere with me!)  I felt comfortable with him and could tell he was a nice guy.  

He’s Cuban, divorced and family oriented so we shared plenty in common.  He’s a teacher and seems to be very passionate about what he does.  But he’s looking for a relationship; someone to share his life with.  I just couldn’t picture myself as that person.  I didn’t feel that sizzle with him that I have with Captain.  I quickly ended the night after we were done with dinner and then prayed he didn’t try to kiss me.  Which I knew right there was a bad sign.  He asked to see me again while we exchanged our good-byes.  I didn’t have the heart to say no. (I know, I suck.  I just have a hard time hurting people’s feelings.).  I didn’t commit to an actual date but I left it open as a possibility.

The restaurant we went to, by the way, had some great quotes on the restroom walls!   

 

I did not tell Captain about my date with Julius but on Wednesday we got into the topic of dating since I had another date scheduled with a different guy (Sonny).  And I thought it fair to share it with him at this point.  

Yeah, that didn’t go so well. 

Captain was like “Oh, ok, sure. Go ahead and date.”  I could tell that he was not pleased.  Part of me – okay, most of me – told him just to see what his reaction would be.  Just to see if he was dating others (which he advised he was not) and if he cared if I would.  He cares.  And without having to outright ask it of me, I told him I was not interested in spending my limited time out with a bunch of random guys if I knew I enjoyed spending time with him.  Not that we are looking to move fast or have a serious relationship but I don’t want to be sleeping around or trying to balance multiple men if I really am having fun with a particular guy.  (Note to self: Change my Match profile to “hidden”.)

Thursday –  So I cancelled my date with Sonny.  And met with Captain for dinner.   We met up midway and had dinner at a really fun kitschy restaurant that I’d heard about called “White Lion Cafe.”

 

We had such a great time!  I swear, just being near him makes me want to devour him.  Damn guy has crazy sex appeal and we just have the best chemistry together.  And it’s not just physical with us.  We talk and have fun and seem to really enjoy being around each other.  

And since I’ve been in a naughty mood as of late, I’ll share that we ended our night getting busy in the back of his truck. 😏

Don’t judge me.  Yes, I know I’ve regressed into a teenaged girl.  Let me have my fun! 😉

Friday came and I needed to recover!

Saturday – Captain asked me to lunch and drove up to Miami to see me.  We had a fantastic lunch and then went to a nearby mall to walk around and shop.  

My kids were with my parents so I invited him back to my house.  Which I felt slightly strange about but I really wanted to get rid of the ghost of Grayheart in my house.  I could tell Captain felt a bit awkward about it as well while there.  He later shared that he was uncomfortable and felt like he was disrespecting another man’s house.  As much as I appreciate and understand the sentiment,  it annoyed me.  Captain didn’t annoy me.  Grayheart annoyed me.  (I need to speed up my damn divorce process.)

That night I went to my girlfriend’s house for a St. Patrick themed party.  There were about 7 couples and their kids as well as me and mine.  Kids played in the backyard and adults drank and ate.  We had a fantastic time.  Great hosts, great company, great food… just a great night altogether.  

It was a good week, friends!  Mama is getting her groove back! 😉

Mantra that week:  Who says you can’t have a life after divorce?

February Blues

Since Valentine’s Day weekend, I have been a bit of a mess.  I hit that inevitable setback and really was very sad for sometime.  (Functional but in a crabby way.)

Grayheart finally found a townhouse that has rooms for each of our kids.  His lease started middle of this month and he’s slowly moving in.  (He’s been traveling the last two weeks for work.)  I think the reality of my kids having a second home to spend time in really just screwed with me.  Coping with that thought has been tough.  We haven’t implemented it yet but that storm is coming soon.  (Prepare yourselves, readers. You’ll probably not like me when I first adjust to the change.)

He also confirmed that he’s seeing Raggedy.  And that she would be visiting him while out of town this coming weekend because it is her birthday. (Bitch.)  I have worked so hard at ridding of my anger but I felt it slowly creeping back.  It just pisses me off that he gets to find love and happiness during this process.  He doesn’t deserve it and I wish them nothing but the worst.  I sound so petty but I hate them (together as a couple).  She lives my life, doing things “we” used to do while I sleep at home alone at night nursing my broken heart (or hangover).

I’m not going to let this confirmation have control over me.  So while a shitty couple of weeks made landfall in February, thankfully, this week has been better.

The Week’s Mantra:  Feel the feels. Get through it.  And, March, hurry up already!

Starting to Shed Some Skin

It’s been a week since I’ve written a post and a bit longer since I actually posted about my interactions with Grayheart.

Two days after our sexcapade, I talked to him about it and advised that we could not do it again.  He was a bit surprised.  Then he commented that the use of condoms was awkward.  I just replied that the whole experience was awkward.  It felt strange sleeping with him without it being love.  He asked me to not rub it in. (Oh well, asshole.)

He was strangely quiet and distant that evening. It seemed as if he’d been rejected and was bothered by it.  (Payback’s a bitch, ain’t it?)

I had a feeling I knew what was coming next…

I’m almost positive he’s back with Raggedy.  Last week he wouldn’t even look me in the eyes.  When he left my house, he would leave in the opposite direction of where he lives.  And he’s a bit more on his phone than he had been in quite some time.  This week just started and he’s a bit better but it’s like we’re in two different worlds.

I don’t feel the same way I did before.  I don’t have that seething fury I carried for so long.  I know what she is to him…a toy.  He needs the emotional validation, the escape from the hurt, the filling of the void. I’m not saying he’s pining for me.  I just realize again how weak he is.  He’ll do anything to avoid the loneliness and numbing pain of the break-up. And that makes me feel better somehow.  But this is not about Raggedy or Grayheart… it’s about meI feel differently towards him.  I haven’t once tried to snoop or pry, I don’t fill my mind with thoughts of what they’re doing, I haven’t done anything to try to interfere with their relationship.  I just don’t care.  I feel like I’m starting to actually move on.  (Don’t get me wrong, I wouldn’t want to run into them together or anything!)

I’ve waited a bit to write this because I was trying to sort out my feelings.  To see if it was a temporary realization.  But I am now ready to say it out loud.  I feel much more…buoyant.  I don’t want Angry Athena to take over my life.  I’m finding strength and happiness in my independence.  Having shed some of that skin has made me feel lighter.

I still have bouts of sadness and nostalgia and regret and all those other lovely emotions that come with divorce BUT I’m not angry with him.  (Well, he’s not my favorite person right now but I’m not the confused/enraged/unsettled/bitter person I have been the last several months.)   And I’m prepared for the inevitable setbacks that come with this process.  But you know what?  Today, my progress feels pretty darn good.

Today’s Mantra:  Here’s to the healing process!  There’s light at the end of the tunnel. 🙂

Breaking my own rules…

Let me just start of by saying that after such a crappy day Wednesday, Thursday turned out to be better.  Weird, but much better.

We are trying a weekly Thursday night dinner routine as a whole family so Grayheart came over for dinner. I cooked us up a delicious meal of churrasco (grilled skirt steak Nicaraguan style), salad and corn on the cob.  It went over fabulously.

We did the night routine with the kids and afterward caught up on house and schedule stuff.  He then all of a sudden asked me if I had a date Friday night!  (I don’t but I sure as hell was not going to tell him what my Friday night plans were!)  I wouldn’t answer the question, which drove him batty.  That somehow gave him the courage to start complimenting me on my appearance and share how turned on he was by me.  And then he kept on with the verbal diarrhea by asking me if I missed our lovemaking, etc., etc.

OKAY.  I WAS WEAK.

After much aggressive pursuit, one thing led to another and all I know is I went from the kitchen to the bedroom.  (Man, I swore I would not do this!). But it was fine.  Nothing mind blowing but certainly hit the spot. (I have needs, dammit!)  My dry spell goes back to mid November (with him) and it was a goodbye lovemaking session before he moved out.

Can I confess that I loved busting out a set of condoms for him to use?  We haven’t used condoms since… well, since 2002.  I’m not on the pill and I recently bought some Trojans to keep just in case he ever snooped, he’d think I was active.  (Which I’m not but still. It worked, didn’t it?)  I loved the look of surprise on his face when I took them out of the purse I take out partying.

So now I’m reflecting back on last night.  I was not myself during our session. I was guarded and I felt like I was with a different man.  My needs were purely physical.  I am a bit disappointed that I didn’t just send him packing before I let him seduce me but I’ve been so in need of human touch these days!  I don’t know if he sensed my disconnect but I quickly jumped in the shower and then he announced he would take off to avoid anything being “weird.”  I couldn’t agree more.

Strangely enough, I think (I hope) that this has helped create distance for me in an emotional way.  There just wasn’t that same bond or love there. I’m just perplexed that I have such little feeling over the whole experience.

So much for a 2015 being a year of abstinence, lol!

Fifty Shades of Grayheart

Last I wrote, I was shocked by Grayheart’s revelation that he would no longer be seeing Raggedy.  I questioned whether it was true or not and I was waiting to see what would come of it.

Grayheart left to South America for work the day he shared this news with me.  (What a relief to have him gone for a few days!  More work with kids but less emotional distress!)  He returned after 4 days and brought specialty chocolates for the kids.  And one for yours truly. (Wth?!  This mo’fo never brings me gifts from a short work trip.)  He bashfully explained that it was in appreciation of watching the kids.  It was SO weird.  Something was different about him.  He didn’t have the phone tethered to him, wasn’t texting, wasn’t tense… it just didn’t feel like he was hiding anything.

So what did I do that night he arrived?  I got the hell out of Dodge! I didn’t want to let my guard down.  I needed to get far away and fast. I went to dinner with a girlfriend and proceeded to have too many glasses of wine.  When I got home that night, he all of a sudden was chatty about his trip, wanted to know how my night was, asked me if I was growing my hair long (gimme a break, you now care?) and then proceeded to give me a HUG before he left my casa!  I was so shocked that I stood there stiffly but managed to stick my bum out to not have to make full physical contact with him.  (Of course, he commented on the “ass out” hug. Whateva.)

The rest of the week he was attentive and mild mannered and kind and just very present.  In response to this, I was pleasant and not hostile towards him.  Honestly, it felt nice and almost back to normal.  (But I know better than to fall for this trap.)

Here’s what I think:  I think Raggedy wanted more time and attention.  He doesn’t have it to give.  They got into a spat and decided it was easier to not see each other.  What do I think that means then?  That he will try to worm his way back into our family routine.  Not to get back with me but to go back to what feels comfortable, like home does.  What does that really mean then?  That this is temporary.  That he is sad and lonely and his emotional band-aid is gone.  She’ll probably make a return at some point and he’ll fall back into the same crap.

So what do I do?  I’ll put my armor back on and continue as normal.  It’s nice to not have the anger over her and it’s allowed me to focus on me a bit more.  But my gut tells me she’s not gone for good and I need to keep him at arm’s distance.  It is, however, making me re-evaluate all this contempt I’ve held onto.  It’s a heavy load to carry and I’m emotionally exhausted.  I need to convince myself that regardless of her presence, I need to move on and not be filled with hate.  I’m not there yet but my vision is starting to clear a bit.

Today’s Mantra:  Focus on me, not on others.

Is Raggedy really gone?

I’m up far too late tonight.  And although I’m exhausted, I can’t stop tossing and turning in my bed.  Grayheart and I were chatting today.  I was making an attempt to be nice to him since we had a long conversation yesterday on how our interactions have been pretty negative as of late.

So he then drops this little bit of information on me… he claims he will not continue to see Raggedy Ann.

Um, excuse me? Did I hear that right?

My instant reaction was shock and then I immediately inquired why.

His response?  Something along the lines of life being too complicated to date anyone.  Between kids, a divorce, work, travel, trying to buy a house… it’s just not the right time to date anyone.  (The idiot realizes this now? Really? REALLY?!)

I dropped the whole topic by saying I had nothing to else to say.  (I held my tongue, I’m very proud.)  I can’t decide if I flat out don’t believe him or if she got sick of him not being an available boyfriend or if he got tired of her.  (I will say that I notice he’s been staying at his new place this past week.)

I’ll back up just for a second, though.  In my conversation yesterday with him regarding my ice queen treatment, I told him that things would never be “normal” between us as long as that tart was in his life.  Not saying this influenced his decision in any way but the whole thing is just odd.

I know, dear reader, you’re probably yelling at me that it shouldn’t matter.  That I’ve probably put too much emphasis on her rather than him.  You’re right, it doesn’t really matter.  Our status will not change.  But I might start to not hate him as much.  And I might actually be able to treat this whole divorce process as something that’s “irretrievably broken.”  (Phrase straight from the FL divorce paperwork.)  Not the complicated, stringy mess of another woman’s influence.

And maybe it’s all a ruse so that I’m nicer to him.  Jury’s still out.  I guess only time will tell.

Tired of being tired

Last few days I feel a bit defeated.

The Disney weekend was fun in that the kids had a great time and I had a wonderful experience with marathon weekend. But Grayheart and I were not exactly friendly with each other. We bickered a bit; I could see how annoyed he’d get with things I did. And, of course, he irritated the crap out of me with his moodiness. I’m sure Raggedy gave him a hard time which affected his attitude toward me.

I can’t help but feel that his irritation with me stems from two things: 1) my anger and resentment of him, which I’m just quiet and cool toward him and 2) Raggedy is everything I’m not. She’s the easy, happy, sweet, carefree girl thrilled to see him and make him feel good. In his mind, I’m sure I’m the bitter and absent minded wife nagging about the kids holding onto resentment and baggage… It’s as if it’s being used against me. And that makes me sad because I don’t deserve the hostility.

Raggedy gets one dimension of him. It’s easy to fall for someone like her that has no responsibilities and isn’t bitter as a result. Just makes me mad because it’s an alternate reality. It’s paradise when life outside of it is challenging and grainy. It’s not a bad life but it’s life filled with kids screaming, frustrations, arguments, change and imperfections. Life.

And I’m bitter that he gets to have that pleasure while I’m sad and trying to put myself back together.

Today’s Mantra: Just keep it together.

My car got egged!

You read right.

MY car got EGGED. As we drove into my house, we immediately noticed eggshells around my car. And, yup, Grayheart was with me. He seemed pretty shocked and immediately was like “oh, we’ve been egged before, like on Halloween a few years ago.”

I was like whaaaaa?!?! No, mo’ fo, this looks like the work of a pissed off biyatch that wants us to think it was random. My car was hit front, side and back. Someone targeted ME. Not my house, not my neighbors (I checked with each of them)… ME.

I went crazy on him, of course. He sheepishly defended her saying that she’d probably not do something like that. But I could see how uncertain he was. I know he believes it’s unlikely but he couldn’t say it with confidence. Put it this way, there was enough doubt that he started washing my car immediately without being prompted.

Suuuure, a homewrecker would be above egging a vehicle. 👌

I’m sure Raggedy was bitter that her boyfriend was with his ex-wife on a family trip. And what better cover than to make it look like some random act of vandalism?

While finishing my car, he apologetically offered sympathy for being targeted. He said he was going to question her and that if it was her, he’d fully support me kicking her ass. He’s such an idiot. Like she’d really confess.

I’ve got kids to keep safe, y’all. This is my home. She crossed a line. (She’s getting blamed, proof or no proof.)

War has been declared. It’s on. And I’m ready. My name ain’t Athena for nothing!