We’ll always (not) have Paris

Late summer, I began a running program to train for a 10 mile race.  My goal had been to run the Paris to Versailles race in France at the end of September.  I LOVE to travel but had never been to France.  It was a dream of mine to go.  I furiously trained and dreamed of croissants and baguettes and the Seine.  We booked our trip, paid for the race and were just preparing for our travel.

So, September arrives and my husband tells me he was miserable married to me.  I felt like I had been punched in the gut.  It wasn’t that I was shocked that he was unhappy.  I just kind of always thought he was a sort of malcontent and it was just his moody personality that dictated his behavior.  What I didn’t expect was for him to actually tell me that he was miserable with ME.  (Who the hell is miserable with me? I’m like really fun and funny and nice! WTF?! 😉 )  So, after digesting this information, I cancelled the trip to Paris just a few days before we were to go on it.  He wanted to still go on the trip to support me in my running endeavors and not have me cancel my dream trip… but I just couldn’t do it.  I couldn’t have the weight of his words ruin my time there.  I didn’t want to feel like I was forcing him to be with me when he basically told me he no longer loved me.  The trip would have been fake and forced.  I didn’t want him to ruin it for me no matter how well we could get along.  It’s the most romantic city in the world! I mean, I should be sipping champagne while my man is purring French sweet little nothings in my ear as we view the Eiffel Tower from our big ole bed that we just finished making vicious love in, right??? Nope. Not in my future and I was damned if I let him take that from me.

After his revelation, I told him that I could not have someone by my side that wasn’t proud to have me there with him.  I needed a partner, not someone who was weak and willing to abandon ship when times got tough.  I told him I thought divorce was inevitable based on his feelings and that he should be making plans to move out. He was sad, I was sad, it felt like I had just experienced centrifugal force equivalent to ten times the force of gravity.  I felt pinned to the sadness and nausea that had just overcome me.  The daunting fear of being alone and having to start all over again.

And that’s how my story begins.