That dreadful F word… Finances

I spent a good part of last Thursday afternoon sobbing over an argument with my ex. Grayheart and I got into a conversation about our divorce paperwork and financial declarations. 

(Backstory: Grayheart and I lived in Virginia when we married. We then moved back to my hometown, Miami, to be close to my family. We rented out our home in Virginia and bought a home in Miami. We sold our VA house late last year and put a portion of the earnings away for the estimated capital gains tax. This money was put aside in our joint savings account with the agreement we wouldn’t touch it.

I’ve never been worried about Grayheart not being financially responsible. (Roll your eyes now.) So I didn’t really keep tabs on the money. 

So when he filed our 2015 taxes, he advised that taxes came in a bit over what we estimated by a few grand and that he put that overage on a payment plan that he’d pay. Didn’t think much of it. 

Two weeks ago I get a letter from the IRS. I wondered if I was being audited!

Nope.

The IRS confirming the $800 per month payment plan! (Omg!) I inquire further with Grayheart… and then he starts gas lighting me!

– I told you about this!

– It’s no big deal. Don’t see why you’re making such a big deal about this!

I used the money. Yea, I told you! 

Where’d the money go? To pay your mortgage and child support!

I was so pissed at him, I hung up on him. 

He later apologized, of course, and said he was juggling a lot of balls and thought he told me. Bullshit

I drop it. Still thinking it was like $4K over what we’d put aside. And that he’d only used a portion of the savings.)

Fast forward to last Thursday now:

Me: I’m very concerned that you won’t have the extra $800 per month to pay the IRS. And my name is attached to this!

Him: Why? Have you ever known me to be fiscally irresponsible? 

Me: You’ve been lamenting that you have little money to pay your own expenses while paying child support and my mortgage. How long exactly is this $800 supposed to be in place for? 

Him: Uh. Well, as long as it takes to pay $20K off!

Me: (I literally lose my shit) WHAT THE FUCK?! TWENTY GRAND?!?! You spent ALL the money we put aside??!!

He patronizes me, gaslights me, tries to act like it’s no big deal.

But we all know it’s a big deal. Who wants to be on the hook to the federal government for that much money? Something I had responsibly put money aside for yet was not consulted on how to use it!

I hang up on him because I can’t even think at this point. His attempts to trivialize the conversation were too much for me to handle.

Ten minutes later I get an email from him:

I paid the tax bill on my personal credit card. Receipt attached. I was trying to avoid the $300 convenience fee and the interest charges on my credit card, but I’ll pay it.

You no longer have a tax liability. And you no longer have to worry about how I am going to pay it. The only thing you need to worry about me paying is the child support payment. Which after rent, is my #1 payment priority.

All that crap for it to just… be over.

I cried and cried. 

He solved my problem at this point. But it was bigger than that. He didn’t consult with me, he’s in debt, this is a major stressor which could cause him to have a heart attack… no one here is winning. Had he just spoken to me about it a while ago, we could have strategized a solution. 

Then add in my frustrations on being manipulated and patronized, my disappointment with him, my uneasiness over the financial mess and the divorce-really-sucks-ass blues, I was a blubbering mess for hours. I hadn’t cried like this in quite a bit.

So as much as I try to keep a really positive attitude about it all, there are times when things hit me and I can’t recover as gracefully as I’d like. I bounced back the next day and have been fine since. But man oh man, am I looking forward to the day we don’t really have these financial ties to each other.

And yes damn it! I will get divorced soon! Lol!

xo

(Sorry for the long post. Thanks for hanging in there while I vented!)

Captain – One Year Later

Captain and I recently celebrated our one year anniversary. It’s hard to believe that what started as a connection on Match.com has turned into a really wonderful and healthy relationship. 

 
Captain was married once before. His ex-wife suffers from bipolar disorder.  He took care of her and they loved each other a great deal.  At some point, though, she was out of town and had an affair/one-night stand during a manic episode there. She, of course, regretted the indiscretion and hid it for some time.  

Well, we all know the saying: The truth always comes out.  It crushed him when he found out. That was the one and only thing he said he’d never forgive. Captain immediately filed for divorce. The marriage lasted about 3 years and she probably hid her secret for almost a year. He couldn’t forgive her infidelity. He felt as if he’d been played for a fool.

Fidelity, loyalty and trust are important traits for him. The lessons he learned from his divorce have given him a no-nonsense view on what to expect and how to be in a relationship. He’s never played games with me and holds himself to as high of standards as he holds me. I appreciate this and easily follow suit.   

  
Most of you know my story and how my husband, Grayheart, broke my heart.  The separation, albeit tough, was not the most devastating aspect of the whole situation since I’d been unhappy for a long time.  It was the start of the emotional affair with his co-worker whore/later-turned-girlfriend, Raggedy, and the sneakiness that really did me in.  

  
I was pushed out of my comfy, predictable life and all of a sudden thrown into a whirlwind of uncertainties and emotions. I didn’t think I would fall in love again and I, sure as shit, did not think I’d ever trust a man.  I figured I’d casually date for years until one day I’d meet a quality guy I’d like to spend time with. And then the universe knocked me on my ass and connected me with a man that made my heart skip a beat.  

Captain’s past experiences, kindness and love for me really have given me faith.  I believe that there might actually be good and valiant men out there that are capable of cherishing a deserving woman.  I trust this man more with my feelings than I ever have any man.  I grew up hearing that relationships were incredibly hard work.  And so I tolerated so much crap from Grayheart thinking that’s what marriage was. But what if they don’t have to be that hard?  

What if good relationships were meant to navigate the tough times together and keep each other lifted when the outside world threw challenges at you?  

What if you could be two different people but co-exist well together without bringing each other down?

I had moments like that during my marriage but the majority of it was weighed down by Grayheart’s negativity.  But I trucked on… because that’s what marriage was?

I am wiser now, I’d like to think. I value things differently and am a better partner as a result of a failed marriage. I’d like to think that Captain and I work so well together because we both appreciate the things we previously took for granted. I promised myself that I will never put my relationship in cruise control. 

So, if there’s one good thing that’s come out of this experience, it’s not just finding but really appreciating a man like Captain. 

 

How did we celebrate our one year anniversary? We re-did our first date. It was just as magical. This time, though, I took him home with me! 😉

  
Thanks for letting me be gushy. Lol! Here’s to love! 🍾
XO

Are you going to marry Captain?

Are you going to marry Captain?

That’s the text I got this morning from my ex, Grayheart.

Completely out of the blue. Right after he sent me a text letting me know the kids were dropped off at school.

 
Me: “Wha? What the hell kind of question is that?”

Grayheart: “Just curious. Not an unreasonable question. You have been dating for a year or so now.”

A few snarky responses to came to mind:

  • What the fuck does it matter to you?
  • Yes, he’s the love of my life.
  • Yes. And the kids will start calling him Dad. 
  • Hell yes, because he’s more man than you ever were.
  • Are we not still legally married? I don’t believe in bigamy.
  • Yes, I am. And, by the way, I’m pregnant. Funny because I thought I was showing.

*For the record, I am NOT pregnant and have no intention on having any other kids.*

But I am mature and composed so I  responded with: 

“The question surprises me so it caught me off guard. I don’t know what the future holds. I’m not worrying about marriage or anything like that right now. I’m happy and Captain is really good to me. Past that, I’m not giving anything else any thought. “

It’s not his business to know my relationship status with Captain. I gave him enough information so that he understands that I am in a good place. But that he doesn’t have to worry at this time about some guy he barely knows moving in to the house with his kids.

Truth is, I treat Captain as if he’s my future but I don’t waste time worrying about the next step with him. I am happy just being happy. Captain and I definitely speak of marriage and growing old together but I don’t feel pressured or rushed and it is absolutely perfect.

I knew this wasn’t over. I suspect Grayheart will soon want to have a talk. He already mentioned to a mutual friend that he wished things had gone down differently and that he misses his family. It might do us good to clear the air and draw a very firm line in the sand. 

 
Have a great weekend, mi gente!  

XO ❤️

Athena