I have been in a funk. Excuse me as I rant.
I go up, I go down.
I’m on a down right now.
I feel as if I have been reliving the announcement of the separation as exactly a year ago. The rainy, dreary weather is the same, my kids are back in school, anxiety and depression are sitting on each of my shoulders, and my trip to Paris is right around the corner.
It feels like déjà vu. I wake up and I can’t believe this is my life. I’d rather be sleeping than facing the sadness that surrounds me. The weather matches my mood and I can’t seem to get out of it.
I do not want to be back with Grayheart. I do not feel the same way towards him. He is a different man now and I’m not even sure I ever really knew him.
At this second, I’m not even mad. I’m just sad; like my soul is sad. Give me a squeeze and I’ll burst into tears at any given second. I’m that sensitive. I feel like I’m trying to jog while underwater.Last year I was even scheduled to go to Paris with Grayheart and run the Paris to Versailles race. I cancelled the trip three days before we were scheduled to leave because I couldn’t bear the thought of having him next to me in such a romantic city after he told me he was miserable.
So here I am planning to go on a new and improved version of the trip. But I keep having that sinking feeling in my gut. I have little desire to shop or pack for my trip. I have an emptiness and nausea that I can’t get rid of no matter how hard I try.
I am also a shadow of the person I have been over the last several months. I was feeling so strong and happy and carefree. And now I’m moody and sullen.
I think I’m sabotaging my relationship with Captain. I’ve been pessimistic about it all, needy and just not as fun to be with. We’ve also been apart most of the month due to his work and travel. I keep focusing on our differences (eg. kids vs no kids, he works a lot, he is not close to his family, he’s kind of shy, etc.). And I know that all but the kids thing is totally me just having major insecurities and over-scrutinizing insignificant details. I am so traumatized by Grayheart leaving me that I keep waiting and watching for signs to tell me this guy will leave me, too. Ugh.
I hope I snap out of this. Quickly. I am not typically a depressed person and it’s very upsetting to me that I’m acting so strangely.