It’s been a week since I’ve written a post and a bit longer since I actually posted about my interactions with Grayheart.
Two days after our sexcapade, I talked to him about it and advised that we could not do it again. He was a bit surprised. Then he commented that the use of condoms was awkward. I just replied that the whole experience was awkward. It felt strange sleeping with him without it being love. He asked me to not rub it in. (Oh well, asshole.)
He was strangely quiet and distant that evening. It seemed as if he’d been rejected and was bothered by it. (Payback’s a bitch, ain’t it?)
I had a feeling I knew what was coming next…
I’m almost positive he’s back with Raggedy. Last week he wouldn’t even look me in the eyes. When he left my house, he would leave in the opposite direction of where he lives. And he’s a bit more on his phone than he had been in quite some time. This week just started and he’s a bit better but it’s like we’re in two different worlds.
I don’t feel the same way I did before. I don’t have that seething fury I carried for so long. I know what she is to him…a toy. He needs the emotional validation, the escape from the hurt, the filling of the void. I’m not saying he’s pining for me. I just realize again how weak he is. He’ll do anything to avoid the loneliness and numbing pain of the break-up. And that makes me feel better somehow. But this is not about Raggedy or Grayheart… it’s about me. I feel differently towards him. I haven’t once tried to snoop or pry, I don’t fill my mind with thoughts of what they’re doing, I haven’t done anything to try to interfere with their relationship. I just don’t care. I feel like I’m starting to actually move on. (Don’t get me wrong, I wouldn’t want to run into them together or anything!)
I’ve waited a bit to write this because I was trying to sort out my feelings. To see if it was a temporary realization. But I am now ready to say it out loud. I feel much more…buoyant. I don’t want Angry Athena to take over my life. I’m finding strength and happiness in my independence. Having shed some of that skin has made me feel lighter.
I still have bouts of sadness and nostalgia and regret and all those other lovely emotions that come with divorce BUT I’m not angry with him. (Well, he’s not my favorite person right now but I’m not the confused/enraged/unsettled/bitter person I have been the last several months.) And I’m prepared for the inevitable setbacks that come with this process. But you know what? Today, my progress feels pretty darn good.
Today’s Mantra: Here’s to the healing process! There’s light at the end of the tunnel. 🙂