Captain – One Year Later

Captain and I recently celebrated our one year anniversary. It’s hard to believe that what started as a connection on Match.com has turned into a really wonderful and healthy relationship. 

 
Captain was married once before. His ex-wife suffers from bipolar disorder.  He took care of her and they loved each other a great deal.  At some point, though, she was out of town and had an affair/one-night stand during a manic episode there. She, of course, regretted the indiscretion and hid it for some time.  

Well, we all know the saying: The truth always comes out.  It crushed him when he found out. That was the one and only thing he said he’d never forgive. Captain immediately filed for divorce. The marriage lasted about 3 years and she probably hid her secret for almost a year. He couldn’t forgive her infidelity. He felt as if he’d been played for a fool.

Fidelity, loyalty and trust are important traits for him. The lessons he learned from his divorce have given him a no-nonsense view on what to expect and how to be in a relationship. He’s never played games with me and holds himself to as high of standards as he holds me. I appreciate this and easily follow suit.   

  
Most of you know my story and how my husband, Grayheart, broke my heart.  The separation, albeit tough, was not the most devastating aspect of the whole situation since I’d been unhappy for a long time.  It was the start of the emotional affair with his co-worker whore/later-turned-girlfriend, Raggedy, and the sneakiness that really did me in.  

  
I was pushed out of my comfy, predictable life and all of a sudden thrown into a whirlwind of uncertainties and emotions. I didn’t think I would fall in love again and I, sure as shit, did not think I’d ever trust a man.  I figured I’d casually date for years until one day I’d meet a quality guy I’d like to spend time with. And then the universe knocked me on my ass and connected me with a man that made my heart skip a beat.  

Captain’s past experiences, kindness and love for me really have given me faith.  I believe that there might actually be good and valiant men out there that are capable of cherishing a deserving woman.  I trust this man more with my feelings than I ever have any man.  I grew up hearing that relationships were incredibly hard work.  And so I tolerated so much crap from Grayheart thinking that’s what marriage was. But what if they don’t have to be that hard?  

What if good relationships were meant to navigate the tough times together and keep each other lifted when the outside world threw challenges at you?  

What if you could be two different people but co-exist well together without bringing each other down?

I had moments like that during my marriage but the majority of it was weighed down by Grayheart’s negativity.  But I trucked on… because that’s what marriage was?

I am wiser now, I’d like to think. I value things differently and am a better partner as a result of a failed marriage. I’d like to think that Captain and I work so well together because we both appreciate the things we previously took for granted. I promised myself that I will never put my relationship in cruise control. 

So, if there’s one good thing that’s come out of this experience, it’s not just finding but really appreciating a man like Captain. 

 

How did we celebrate our one year anniversary? We re-did our first date. It was just as magical. This time, though, I took him home with me! 😉

  
Thanks for letting me be gushy. Lol! Here’s to love! 🍾
XO

Letter to Grayheart

Dear Grayheart,

You broke my heart into tiny little pieces. You told me you were unhappy and thought we were fundamentally different. Although that was devastating, I could understand where you were coming from. I, too,felt on many occasions unsure of my marriage. But my fear of failure and my love for you and my deep desire to never harm our children and break up our family prevented me from ever taking action.

I always thought that you and I could work through anything. That although we had our ups and downs, this descent would be followed by the certainty of the ascent. Isn’t that what marriage is? Not giving up when the going gets tough? In sickness and in health? You once told me that divorce was incomprehensible and that you would never leave me. At our parting, you then told me you thought I took advantage of that notion. That I neglected you as a husband. Do you not remember me leaving you sleeping in bed to tend to our crying children so that you could rest? Do you not remember me calling you at work to say hi only to be rushed off the phone because you were busy? Did you forget all the activities I supported you in? Your hobbies, your athletic events, your travel for work? Who held down the fort with our home and kids when you were not around? Yes, I could’ve done more to show you my appreciation but my resentment of your selfishness took over. My contempt for your coldness replaced my cheery disposition with stony silence. You stopped listening to me and, without really realizing it, I retaliated.

I shouldn’t be shocked that you were so unhappy. But I attributed it more to your own shortcomings and damaged upbringing rather than realize you were just unhappy with me. But I could handle it. As sad as it was, I thought maybe it was the right thing.

What I wasn’t prepared for, though, was for you to lie to me repeatedly about your friendship with a co-worker. A lesbian in her mid-twenties that I then discovered you’d been chatting with on a daily basis on your cell phone the moment you confessed your misery in marriage. You gave up on the marriage because you had a safety net. You found someone that made you feel light and good. Someone excited to hear from you, someone to admire your expertise and wit and charm. She is 15 years your junior. She is fucked up. She is easy. She doesn’t nag you or have screaming kids or years of baggage with you. You might have been unhappy in our marriage but you didn’t try to work through it because you had her. And the moment you thought you were free, you pursued her. You might even feel like more of a “man” because you converted the lesbian with your dick you’re so proud of. You keep it secret from everyone at work, though, because you both know how pathetic the entire situation is. You tried to convince me that she was nothing more than an emotional void filler. I believe that but I don’t think you realize how much damage you’re doing to yourself and your family. You emotionally walked out on me, not wanting to fully leave until I finally pushed you out the door. You played me for a fool. I kept you at home for 2 months thinking it was best for the kids to not deal with the family destruction until after the holidays. And I secretly had hope that you would realize what a mistake parting would be. I didn’t have confirmation about your thing with the Whore until I did my own snooping late October. And then you had the nerve to get upset with me for violating your privacy!

You are self destructive and selfish and weak. You are gone from my home and I’ve slept better in the last 3.5 weeks than I have in the last 3 months! I’m sad, I’m shattered, I’m hurt, I feel betrayed, I feel foolish, I’m angry, I’m disappointed and I fear the unknown. But I will ultimately be victorious. I will heal. I will do it properly. I will be successful and I will find myself. I will use the fire lit within me to propel me towards things I shied away from previously. I know one day I’ll find love but that’s not my goal here. Not now. I am going to use this to make a better me for my kids and for myself. I will show them what someone strong and healthy can accomplish.

I desperately hope that the next time I write you a letter, it is to thank you for releasing me. For doing what I didn’t have the courage to do. I pray that the happiness I am now capable of has no limit and that I will be stronger and wiser as a result. I’m terrified now but I have faith. A new path has been set for me and I’m taking the journey that’s now summoning me its way. ❤️

No hay mal que por bien no venga…