I saw my therapist (DD) yesterday and had a really nice visit. I felt like this was the first time I actually discussed with her my life and coping strategies rather than try to catch her up to speed on all the drama with Grayheart. I caught her up to speed on the week since I last saw her but there wasn’t very much to report since Grayheart moved out and I finally got rid of that dreadful thing called hope. My focus this visit was trying to figure out how to move on and if I’m doing the right things with the kids, etc.
She was proud of my progress and complimented me on my strength and commitment to moving forward. (I don’t feel strong but I know I won’t let myself just stand still.). I shared with her a nasty argument Grayheart and I had about me moving his stuff around out of the house. After that fight, a few days later I waved a white flag and pulled him aside. I explained to him that I was still trying to cope with the hurt, rejection and betrayal. I needed him to understand that this would be a long road for me. I asked for his patience because I truly know in my heart that one day I will heal and forgive. I know he’s not a terrible person; he’s just selfish and has a lot of work to do within himself. There will be progress and setbacks but one day we’ll be “friends” again. Just not now. He was extremely receptive and kind during the conversation. It really made me feel better. As I shared this with my therapist, she replied that she was proud of my ability to see the light at the end of the tunnel and that this will help me heal.
Truthfully, I don’t want to hold on to anger forever. My mom held onto the anger from her divorce for 10 years before she finally let it go. I don’t want that for me. I want to feel light and free one day. And look back and think that this was all for the best. That I now have the opportunity to find myself and find true love one day. Someone that can truly appreciate what I have to offer and put me first.
DD assured me that this will come but that I’ll need at least a year to heal. A year. Four fricking whole seasons. It sounds like an eternity when you think about the level of pain you experience during this process and then imagine yourself experiencing variations of it for 365 days or longer! I explained to her that the depth of pain and sorrow I’ve felt since September has been so incredibly awful that I fear the journey. I tell myself to take it day by day but my emotions change moment by moment. I don’t want to feel these things. I want to distract myself to the point of oblivion because it’s too goddamn painful. And then she shared this little nugget. “Emotions are energy in motion. Within you. Honor these feelings. Remove the negative association with them and just… meditate with them. The feeling will not last longer than 7 minutes if you honor them.”
So, I am going to try to honor these feelings. Loneliness, hurt, sadness, emptiness… I’ll cry in the shower and in the car and while in bed. And at the computer. And in the kitchen. And on the floor of the bathroom. And when he leaves my house to pick up the kids. (Shiiiit. Name me a place I haven’t cried already.) I just won’t do it in front of the kids. I’ll be strong for them so that they can know that everything is okay. And one day it will be.