Marriage after Divorce?

I’ve been with Captain for 3.5 years and have experienced nothing but the best of the best in my relationship. This man has nursed my emotional wounds, treats me like a queen, and loves me down to my soul. Add to it all that he is fantastic with my children, is crazy handsome, and a hard working man… well, I’ve hit the love lottery. I have never been so fulfilled and emotionally complete in my life.

So it’s natural that we discuss marriage and our future together. I only see a future with him. I would love to call him my husband and live a long, beautiful life with him. And he is very much on the same page.

But I do not want to move an hour away to the Keys where there is absolutely nothing to do but drink and go boating. Fabulous if you’re on vacation, dull and slow for a full time experience. I cannot picture raising my children there. I enjoy the network I have here in Miami. My job, my family, my friends, my things… If I was single without kids, I’d just move and suck it up.

The other obvious option is that Captain could move to Miami and just do the hour commute each morning for work. Except it’s draining. He fishes for a living. And getting up at 4 am to get back that way in time to gear up and meet his clients… not very sustainable. It’s not that it’s impossible, but we’ve done it many times over and it’s very challenging. I can’t imagine he would be able to do it full time without wearing himself out. (And just to be clear, the distance is close to 60 miles. It’s not the “hour” that’s the issue, it’s the traffic depending on the time of day that makes an hour anything from 1-3 hours depending which direction you’re heading and time of day. And luck, of course.)

Captain says I talk about marriage and seem all excited but when he starts to get ready to pull the trigger, I give him the big block. I’m not ready yet. (He’s never proposed but I guess I’m inconsistent in how I approach the marriage thing.)

I think I hesitate because our marriage would be “unconventional.” It would be two households, sharing time, going back and forth, etc. We’d be 100% committed and probably do a great job at keeping it exciting and happy because we’d never get tired of each other. (He thinks it’s the perfect setup!) I worry that I would eventually become resentful of having to “rough” it a good bit of the time on my own, even though I wouldn’t be alone. If I was just plain alone, there’s no one to be annoyed with that I had to on my own manage a dinosaur-sized iguana found entwined in the soccer net of my backyard as the maggots and other neighborhood scavengers picked at his dead body. (Yes, true story.)

I’d prefer a more traditional set up. And I know he would, too. But that’s not an option right now for me. So maybe now is not the time? There certainly is no rush.

I know every other aspect of being with him would be perfect. I trust and believe in him… in us. I love him and know we will figure it out, but I’m also at a point in my life that I know Love is not always enough when it comes to marriage.

It would be nice to hear if anyone has experience with or knows of any successful untraditional marriages.

❤️ Athena

35 thoughts on “Marriage after Divorce?”

  1. Moi says:

    My husband traveled for 2weeks at a time every month. When he changed jobs I started traveling yet we were able to raise three great kids and have a good life. Why can’t you two think of it as him traveling. He might have to cut back some but you and the kids could move to the keys for the summer. Don’t give up on this relationship.

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    • This is so wonderful to hear! Thank you for sharing! ❤️ And to think you balanced it all while managing a family. Incredible.

      I don’t plan on giving up. He’s too wonderful of a man and I feel very fulfilled with him. I just don’t want to sabotage my own relationship by getting into marriage while mind-screwing myself. Lol

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  3. I think marriage is starting to redefine itself by necessity. The traditional thing doesn’t work very often anymore. Marriage is a symbol of live and commitment, not about addresses or anything else.
    But you can’t help that you’re smarter about this now. Small things add up and can derail even the best marriage.
    It sounds like your relationship is already pretty great. You don’t have to get married, you can just be wildly in love. Do what works. Trying to make something work when it doesn’t is just painful. Don’t worry about marriage. Enjoy being so lucky in love.

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    • I think you’re absolutely right. Marriage has redefined itself in so many ways in just the last decade! Thank you for reminding me what the meaning is and how I should stay focused on enjoying what I have at present. I know I’m so blessed and shouldn’t worry so much. I don’t want to fail again so I tend to overthink things at times. Lol! 🙃

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  4. You guys seem very committed to one another, love each other, and are carrying on just fine as it stands. Does a marriage certificate make your relationship more “legit”? And you seem to concede that even if you were married, the living arrangements wouldn’t necessarily change. If you’re not ready, then carry on. It appears to be working. Situations change, but for now, go with your gut if your head is indecisive. 😊

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  5. I think marriage the second time around is a lot more complicated, especially if you live any distance away. Let’s face it, the second time around you have already established a life. You’ve got kids, probably a house, a job. It’s a lot easier when you’re both starting out and there’s nothing else to consider.

    I’ve questioned whether marriage is even necessary the second time around. I guess I’m just more cynical now. What is the point of it? The mobster says it’s the most romantic thing I could do, to stand up in public and declare my love for him. But I tend to think like the person above. It won’t make our relationship any more legitimate. And we already have a wonderful time when we’re together. I’m not having babies with him. I don’t want to rely upon him financially. So….

    I’m sorry. I know that’s not very helpful. You wanted to hear from people who have experience with non-traditional marriages. I have none. I guess I do know of people married to people in the military. In fact, I have a cousin who married a man in the military. They made the decision to have a home base and not go with him every time he had to move. I don’t know much about their marriage but it seems to be working. I guess you just accept that’s part of how your relationship works. Other people in the military with deploying spouses seem to do the same.

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    • Marriage the second time is definitely more complicated. Part of me completely agrees with you. Another part of me gets what Mobster means. There is beauty in two becoming one. But reality is full of warts and all. So I just don’t want to rush. And I’m not being pressured… it’s just been one of those things that gets discussed because we are so great together. I almost don’t want to ruin that by changing it up! lol!
      And your comments have been helpful. It’s always fun to hear from different perspectives. 🙂

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  6. I’m commenting not to add my two cents but to say me, too – I just started dating a Key West captain who spends six months here in Maine and six months in Key West. I don’t know how it could possibly work. But I’m interested to see how you manage it!

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    • How funny!! We’ve been together a few years now so I can tell you it takes effort. Not “work” but just a very conscious effort to carve out quality time for each other. I figure I will try to better than just learn to coexist. I nurture this relationship because of what he puts in. I think I’ve become a better partner because he’s wiser than I am about what is important to us.
      I wish you lots of luck with your man! ❤️😘

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  7. totallycaroline says:

    You’re right, there is no rush.
    So, when I was married my ex husband didn’t live at home because of his work. At times I was terribly lonely, but I accepted it as part of my life. He was a wonderful provider and I thought it was just ungrateful of me to complain. I settled in to it. I learned not to let it bother me too much. It forced me to learn how to do some things independently (like travel). I learned a lot of things about myself. I’d say the situation had both good and bad (of course… I’m not going to mention that my ex had a secret life when he was away where he was cheating on me with all sorts of women LOL… thats besides the point).
    Do you know what? I think that when two people are in love, they can make anything work. I truly believe that. You guys will figure it out. You got the most important part sorted. You found each other. The rest is cake daaaahling!

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    • Thank you for sharing your perspective from while you were living abroad. It certainly gives me hope. And I don’t think Captain is the type to have a double life. My ex, yes. But Captain feels so different. So, I never want to say never, but my bet is on him being the real deal for me.
      Sometimes I wonder if I’m more worried about what others would comment or say to me about having a husband while sharing two households. I’d like to thing I’m above that. But I’m wondering if I was caught at a lonely point, would it irritate me enough to have it gnaw at me? Do you recall any strange/annoying comments on how your husband at the time traveled so much?
      Thanks for all the positive energy. I think you’re right… anything can work with the right mindset and love. xo

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      • totallycaroline says:

        Honestly, yeah, some people made comments. I thought (and still do think) it was out of jealousy. Some people don’t like to see others happy. You are too smart and awesome to let other people’s silly comments aid in your decisions. Nobody has a right, in this day and age, to tell a woman whats best for her.
        I don’t think Captain is the type either, by the way LOL… not by a long shot.
        Tons of love,
        C

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  9. I think unconventional marriages are often the best and longest lasting ones because no one has made compromises that are too hard to keep long term.
    Nothing says that you can’t have two households or perhaps find a place mid way. And perhaps later in life one or the other location would appeal to both of you.
    Either way just do what feels right. Unconventional or not. I’m so happy for you.

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    • This is very sweet, Amanda. Thanks for these words of encouragement. I think that’s exactly what we’ll do: have two households and then as it goes, we’ll adjust. We are happy as we are now and are going to do what makes us work. 🙂 Thanks again for the ❤️. xoxoxo 😘❤️

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  10. Love is very important but like you said love isn’t the only thing that will keep a relationship together. Matthew 19:5,6 says, “For this reason a man will leave his father and his mother and will stick to his wife, and the two will be one flesh’? So that they are no longer two, but one flesh. Therefore, what God has yoked together, let no man put apart.” Togetherness is very important when building a strong marriage. The more time you spend together the more closer you grow together and selfish tendencies subside. I have a friend whose husband travels a lot for work. But he always makes sure to see her and the kids every weekend. He also makes sure they go on long vacations every couple of months for bonding time. They are happy and are successfully raising three beautiful children. It would be best for you two to get married and live together in one location. You wouldn’t want to allow an opportunity for temptation to set in during hard times (Ephesians 4:27). However, every family is different and weekends, summers and holidays maybe the best time to spend together.

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  12. Hey Athena, one of my first blog friends!

    I know this is old by now, i don’t read blogs often anymore. You know how envious i am about having a ned -too go to the keys but i hear you, that’s a pickle and it doesn’t seem like there’s an easy solution.

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