Officially Divorced

I am officially divorced.  Grayheart and I went before a judge last week to legally terminate our marriage.

We sat in court and watched the first set of couples (represented by attorneys) go through the process. The judge was very polite and seemed to be quite thorough in his review of each case. He asked questions if he found anything incorrect in their Marriage Settlement Agreement (MSA),  child support, or parenting plan. If he didn’t, he sped right through his few questions.

Is your marriage irretrievably broken? Are you currently pregnant? Can you identify the signatures on the agreement? Were you coerced or forced into agreement on the MSA? Are there any assets that need to be decided here today? Did you and your spouse provide each other financial documentation? Are you asking for a former name to be restored? 

It’s a fairly quick process. After watching a few, I felt comfortable that ours would go well. But it’s a weird, out of body experience. 

While staring at the couples ahead of us, I mumbled to Grayheart that although I was relieved we were putting an end to this process, it was still…

Sad. He finished my sentence without looking me in the eye. I stared down at my feet as I knew my eyes were welling up. I heard the shake in his voice. 

He felt it. He knew it. It was confirmation to me that our life was not completely based on a lie. And in that small statement, I knew he once loved me. And it shouldn’t matter but it helps. I wasn’t in it all these years because I was totally crazy.

Once it was our turn to be called up, I’d pulled myself together. The judge asked his questions, we answered, they worked on my name change papers… and that was it. Five minutes. Five minutes?

Done. 

Divorced.

We walked out silently. Numb with quiet shock. What do you really say after that? 

By the time we walked out of the courthouse, I knew I was going to cry. It’s hard to explain why. I welcomed the divorce at this point. I’m happy it’s over. But it’s truly over. After many years of memories and ties, the only tie we now have to each other are the kids. 

And it’s not a bad thing. It’s just a major thing. 

I sobbed the whole car ride back home. It was my final goodbye…. it felt right to exorcise that last demon. 

Farewell to old me. ❤️