That dreadful F word… Finances

I spent a good part of last Thursday afternoon sobbing over an argument with my ex. Grayheart and I got into a conversation about our divorce paperwork and financial declarations. 

(Backstory: Grayheart and I lived in Virginia when we married. We then moved back to my hometown, Miami, to be close to my family. We rented out our home in Virginia and bought a home in Miami. We sold our VA house late last year and put a portion of the earnings away for the estimated capital gains tax. This money was put aside in our joint savings account with the agreement we wouldn’t touch it.

I’ve never been worried about Grayheart not being financially responsible. (Roll your eyes now.) So I didn’t really keep tabs on the money. 

So when he filed our 2015 taxes, he advised that taxes came in a bit over what we estimated by a few grand and that he put that overage on a payment plan that he’d pay. Didn’t think much of it. 

Two weeks ago I get a letter from the IRS. I wondered if I was being audited!

Nope.

The IRS confirming the $800 per month payment plan! (Omg!) I inquire further with Grayheart… and then he starts gas lighting me!

– I told you about this!

– It’s no big deal. Don’t see why you’re making such a big deal about this!

I used the money. Yea, I told you! 

Where’d the money go? To pay your mortgage and child support!

I was so pissed at him, I hung up on him. 

He later apologized, of course, and said he was juggling a lot of balls and thought he told me. Bullshit

I drop it. Still thinking it was like $4K over what we’d put aside. And that he’d only used a portion of the savings.)

Fast forward to last Thursday now:

Me: I’m very concerned that you won’t have the extra $800 per month to pay the IRS. And my name is attached to this!

Him: Why? Have you ever known me to be fiscally irresponsible? 

Me: You’ve been lamenting that you have little money to pay your own expenses while paying child support and my mortgage. How long exactly is this $800 supposed to be in place for? 

Him: Uh. Well, as long as it takes to pay $20K off!

Me: (I literally lose my shit) WHAT THE FUCK?! TWENTY GRAND?!?! You spent ALL the money we put aside??!!

He patronizes me, gaslights me, tries to act like it’s no big deal.

But we all know it’s a big deal. Who wants to be on the hook to the federal government for that much money? Something I had responsibly put money aside for yet was not consulted on how to use it!

I hang up on him because I can’t even think at this point. His attempts to trivialize the conversation were too much for me to handle.

Ten minutes later I get an email from him:

I paid the tax bill on my personal credit card. Receipt attached. I was trying to avoid the $300 convenience fee and the interest charges on my credit card, but I’ll pay it.

You no longer have a tax liability. And you no longer have to worry about how I am going to pay it. The only thing you need to worry about me paying is the child support payment. Which after rent, is my #1 payment priority.

All that crap for it to just… be over.

I cried and cried. 

He solved my problem at this point. But it was bigger than that. He didn’t consult with me, he’s in debt, this is a major stressor which could cause him to have a heart attack… no one here is winning. Had he just spoken to me about it a while ago, we could have strategized a solution. 

Then add in my frustrations on being manipulated and patronized, my disappointment with him, my uneasiness over the financial mess and the divorce-really-sucks-ass blues, I was a blubbering mess for hours. I hadn’t cried like this in quite a bit.

So as much as I try to keep a really positive attitude about it all, there are times when things hit me and I can’t recover as gracefully as I’d like. I bounced back the next day and have been fine since. But man oh man, am I looking forward to the day we don’t really have these financial ties to each other.

And yes damn it! I will get divorced soon! Lol!

xo

(Sorry for the long post. Thanks for hanging in there while I vented!)

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65 thoughts on “That dreadful F word… Finances

  1. I’m so sorry- it is such a mess untying two lives and a family that was joined for years. I wish he had talked to you- maybe there’s a tax lawyer he could speak with and get some advice from on how to best get out from this hole he put himself in! You can’t be strong and gracious everyday- you are human, you know 😀 Hope things work out as well as possible for the ex and hopefully he’ll learn from this and make better decisions in the future!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Ughhhh I hate it when that happens. But atleast you guys can communicate about it. In my case, I have no clue what taxes he filed if any. I’ve never seen a paper or signed one during all the time we were together. So imagine my frustration when he claimed that I “stole” all the copies of taxes he’s filed. I was livid. And when I confronted him about it, he still denied he had anything. It’s all a joke. Let’s put it this way, I can’t wait for JULY!!!!

    Liked by 1 person

  3. As a divorced mother I can tell you the faster you are financial independent of him the better. As long as you are vulnerable to his financial miss-steps. The problem with keeping your finance linked after and during divorce is that they start looking at themselves as an individual and no longer put the family as the main priority. It is very liberating when you get there.

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    • So true. Even these “small” leftover items became a hassle. Another reason Ive decided I won’t fight for alimony now that I’ll start work full time this Fall. Just want to be completely independent of him. I’ll figure my own way out. I’m educated and driven, I’ll be fine and won’t need him making decisions on “our” behalf. Thanks for the solid advice. Xo

      Liked by 2 people

  4. Oh man. So complicated, and not just as simple as signing on the dotted line. Man, the collateral damage from divorce is far reaching. I’m so sorry y’all are having to deal with this level of shit. Hang tough. This too shall pass. 😊

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thanks, my friend. I know it will. Just definitely one of those things that you don’t expect along the way and you learn as you go through it. Which is why I don’t always want to paint this perfect picture that because my divorce is fairly amicable that we don’t hit land mines at times.

      Liked by 1 person

  5. Oh, DWM. I’m so sorry to hear this. What an awful thing to do. It is disgraceful that he wouldn’t consult you when you’re still financially enmeshed with each other. I don’t know if it’s different in the US, but here, all debts are joint until the marriage is legally dissolved – I hope you won’t you still be liable for his debts anyway.

    Finances suck. Been made to feel like you’re secondary sucks. Divorce sucks.

    Big hugs to you my ❤️

    Liked by 2 people

    • Thankfully we can agree which debts will be assigned to each person through our settlement agreement. And he’s fair in that sense. If he were to try to screw me – and I don’t think he will – I have a few things in my back pocket I’d be willing to play. But I won’t unless I’m forced to. I really want a simple and easy life without the headaches. I don’t give him any trouble so I’d appreciate him doing the same.
      Divorce does suck. Thankfully it’s survivable. I kept telling myself I could be going through something worse and other have it worse. Just to give myself perspective and not wallow in self pity! Lol!
      Thank you for the hugs! I’ll gladly take them! Especially after you had such a rough few days last week, I appreciate you consoling me! Xo

      Liked by 2 people

  6. I’d be juggling HIS balls! Tip: When you get divorced…..immediately file an “innocent spouse” form. I never saw “our” tax returns for the last ten years. I didn’t see them before….I just “signed on the dotted line” like Loser told me to.
    The last ten years, he was getting other women to sign my name….or doing it electronically. I had no idea what his income was nor what was going on with the taxes.
    My CPA was the one who enlightened me to the “innocent spouse” filing.

    Liked by 2 people

  7. Ugh, I felt sick to stomach when reading that. Financial strain is so exhausting.

    I’ve never had anything to that level, but the closest thing was when we had out first child. We were living in Massachusetts at the time and I had health insurance through my employer. Shitty health insurance.

    We preregistered at the Worcester hospital with the ins. company. No one mentioned anything unusual. A few weeks after, we received a $2000 bill in the mail. I didn’t panic because I was sure it had to be a mistake. I thought I was so careful about doing everything the right way.

    Turns out that my insurance company allows for a certain amount of money per night for the hospital room. The hospital we went to apparently charges more than that. They told us that we should have gone to a hospital in a smaller town because their rates are lower. They let us pay off the difference in monthly installments.

    I know it’s not the same, but I’m hoping the best for you. No person should have to lie awake at night worrying about money.

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    • Right?! Financial strain makes people physically ill. And I can’t help but worry that it’s bringing him that much closer to heart attack. Something I’d actually never want for him.
      Funny – not in a comical way but coincidental way – that you went through the hospital thing because I had a similar experience! The big ole bill that came after the fact… we, too, had to do a payment plan. I hate having debt. A mortgage is one thing but the rest makes me crazy!

      Liked by 2 people

      • So it’s not just me? I don’t know if I should be relieved or depressed by that.

        We had our other three children here in Canada with no issues. We moved here for the same reason you moved back to Miami.

        Anyway, I’m sorry to hear this happened to you. I hope it’s not disrupting life too much.

        Liked by 1 person

  8. Wow, you’re such a good person even through all of the drama you are worried about his health and his financial stability. You deserve better. Hopefully once the divorce is final you can cut the ties for good. Hold your head up high and don’t worry about recovering gracefully nobody would dare judge you for losing it after all of that.

    Liked by 2 people

  9. I’ve been there. Because you know that if your ex is struggling financially there is a trickle down affect that could affect your kids or more importantly his health that would again affect the kids. You just wanted communication so that you could have at least had prior knowledge. I get it.

    Liked by 1 person

  10. I think caring about his well being is a bit like muscle memory.yes-he created this mess and his selfish and secretive ways meant you didn’t know about it- which is why you’re getting divorced. But you’re used to worrying about his health and stress levels and how that will always still impact you- because you share family. I appreciate that he fully accepted the burden by putting it on his credit card. His shit, his shit pile. You did good.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thanks, all good points. It’s hard not to care when it’s what you’ve been used to for the majority of your adult life. And he’s still family. Regardless of how much he annoys me… 😉

      How are you? I’ve thought about you quite a bit. I’m hoping you’re holding on. Xoxo

      Like

  11. I have read a few of your posts. All of them are relaxing to read, they Flow like something a good writer or author could write. I also see your post lengths are brief and that is great for blogging imo. Lastly you are witty and dry humor which while restrained still comes through. I enjoyed your writing.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Wow, thank you for the thoughtful and kind comments! I truly appreciate you taking the time to read my posts and share this. I don’t write often anymore but it’s kind people like you that make WP such a lovely community. I look forward to learning more about you on your blog. 🙂 Have a nice weekend!

      Like

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