*This is a longer than usual post, sorry!*
Last week, Grayheart had the kids all day for Presidents’ Day. He took them to a museum and then ran errands.
By the time he got them back to me that evening, he looked like he’d been through the battle of his life. His eyes were red and sunken, his face aged 10 years and his posture looked deflated. This was a man that looked defeated.
I asked how the kids had behaved with him.
His response as he plopped into the dining room seat?
“They were awful. They don’t listen. They fight constantly. It was overwhelming.”
Then he started to tear up! Literally tears springing to his eyes and trickling down his cheeks.
I was shocked. This is not a man that shows emotion easily.
I stood there frozen facing him as I had absolutely no idea what to do. He seemed so broken and sad. Here is a man I once loved, my former best friend, the father of my kids crying in front of me. My first inclination was to hug and console him. But I couldn’t move.
I was worried the moment would’ve turned into an attempt on his part to kiss me or have too heartfelt of an embrace.
I have absolutely no interest in that for a number of reasons.
So I was relieved when my son called for me and I ran into the other room to tend to him. Grayheart escaped to the bathroom to gather himself.
When he returned, he announced his departure and I walked him out.
“What is wrong, Grayheart?”
“This is hard. I try to make the most of my time with them. I don’t have them as often as you do. I’ve spent my whole day yelling at them or separating them from fighting. Then, I’m cleaning after them a bunch… It’s hard to spend quality time.”
I almost laughed out loud at this. These were many of my concerns when we first separated. Although it’s tough being outnumbered, I’ve managed well.
He continues, while still crying, “I guess this is what happens when you have a split household.” Followed by a big sigh and him looking sideways at me.
I’m still uncomfortably awkward and feeling bad for him and confused. So I end with, “Yup. Yeah. I guess so…Well, let me know what I can do to help make it better with the kids.”
———————————
I know exactly what’s happened here. I hadn’t written about it because, frankly, I didn’t care enough. But him and Raggedy Ann broke up last month. He didn’t tell me but I could sense it. He has been different.
So he’s a bit down about the whole thing. He sees himself alone and having possibly made a bad decision.
Then, Valentine’s Day rolls around and Grayheart drops by to give the kids their cards and chocolates. What does he pop in on? My lovey little brood having a blast playing kickball with me and Captain in my backyard of what used to be “our” home. We are nice to him but it’s definitely an awkward moment. (Kids were pleased as punch. They had no clue.)
All of a sudden, he’s an outsider to his own family. He not only sees his family having a great time with another man but at that moment he realized his role as man of the house was backfilled with my boyfriend. He gets the kids the next day and nothing goes right. The family unit feels lopsided and missing something… me!
Now, let me just say that Grayheart is a great dad. He will never be “replaced” as Daddy by any man. I don’t play games with my kids or him about it. A partner on either side is a bonus.
Let me also clarify that I didn’t get the impression he was trying to hit on me. But I do think he was feeling me out since he was incredibly sad. And I’m not falling for it.
Grayheart will never change. The grass will always be greener on the other side. He’ll always want someone to feed his ego. And he’ll always be a dick. And moody. And selfish.
I wouldn’t have chosen this life for my kids. My ideal situation would have been us as a strong/functioning/happy intact family without all this hurt.
But I’m better and happier than I’ve been in a verrrrrry long time. And I don’t think it’s a superficial type of happiness. I’ve worked really hard on healing from the inside out. The last year and a half has taught me a lot: I’m better without him as a partner.
Stay tuned. I don’t think this is over.
xo
I don’t think that it’s uncommon for an ex to feel that way, Athena. From a male perspective, there have been times that my ex’s were attracted to me once they found that I had a new love. Stay strong, my friend!
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Thanks, Rob. I will be strong! Lol!
I just found out that he’s been asking a mutual friend just how serious Captain and I really are. He annoys me. Everything everyone warned him about is happening. And here he is now, alone and regretful.
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Isn’t life funny? He realized too late that everything that he really wanted and needed was in front of him the entire time.
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You’re right. Perspective… Always comes down to your perspective on things. And everyone warned him. But nope. He couldn’t see past himself at that time. Oh well. C’est la vie!
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Love this post!
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Thanks, Tikeetha! So much going on, I felt bad writing so much! Lol! Xo
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Nope, because I think it is a lesson to let us know that the men that we once loved and thought the world of will realize their foolishness, but we shouldn’t fall for their BS. I was literally screaming as I read “You have to live with the choices you make Beeotch!”
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Lmao!!! You know, it always comes down to the same old story. My story is the same as many others. Why don’t these men ever learn?!?!
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And thanks for the retweet. 🙂 😘
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Ughhhh! Reaaaaaalllllly???!?!?!? He didn’t know that this would happen? They’re so damn stupid!
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Exactly. Dumb. Dumb. Dumb. And disappointing for a man that is usually so smart.
This is real life, not a game. The midlife crisis cliche is a cliche for a reason. He wasn’t going to all of a sudden find this great life and happiness outside of his family. He needed to work on himself. Not find a temporary bandaid with some idiot girl. Argh.
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All his doing…he is reaping what he sowed. Now the consequences to his actions are finally hitting him.
Sorry not so sorry…lol
Love that you’re happy you deserve it.
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Yep, it’s nice that it’s starting to come full circle. I thought I’d feel much more satisfied about it, though. I wished for him to realize the error of his ways – and for him & that hoebag to break up – so that I could feel redemption. But I noticed that it means little to me so far down this journey. (But I’m still glad karma is my girl! Lol!)
Thanks for the love. Xo
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Yup, karma made her visit “bwahaha” *evil grin* Isn’t it wonderful to feel meh about it/him though
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Lol! Sure does!
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I am still waiting patiently for my moment. Two actually…the first when he and his whore break up and divide that family they tried to build on lies and deceit and two, when my ex walks in on me and my man being a REAL family with the girls. Every so often I can tell when he’s having a remorseful moment, but then it gets removed by entitlement and selfishness.
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You make a good point. Patience. I stopped actively wishing them bad and stopped focusing on them. And when I stopped caring and really started healing, is when God thought I was ready. I’m glad it happened now, because I can’t say I would’ve been as strong over a year ago.
You know your ex, if you sense it every so often, it’s real. Yours is coming. And I will be standing up clapping the day you shut the door in his face after he cries to you and you tell him you don’t want or ever need his sorry ass. Xo
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Well, as is usually the case, the grass isn’t greener. He’s reaping what he sowed now. You can be empathetic. But be wary of any mixed signals to him. In some way, it’s probably a little satisfying to you though, right? This is his doing, not yours. Regrets suck, but he’s gotta live with them.
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I’m definitely sympathetic but am somewhat enjoying that he now understands a fraction of what I felt. The casualties were still the kids, even with as well as we’ve handled that. So I don’t get joy out of that. His lesson to learn but yet so many others hurt as a result. Seems naive and dumb on his part to have thought it wouldn’t catch up to him.
Thanks for the support. I like hearing what men have to say. 🙂
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I’ll never truly understand what leads to that depth of betrayal and the collateral damage that results. My parents divorced when I was 7. Changed my world and created shit that I had zero control over. I feel their pain.
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Me neither! My parents divorced when I was 17. Devastating for me. Not saying you must do everything for your kids. But knowing the damage caused, why don’t more people think beforehand? Especially when soon thereafter the end is the same? The guilty always having regret?
I’m glad that you took your experience and became a better husband and father as a result. 🙂
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I vowed I’d stay single rather than bounce around from wife to wife. If they aren’t the right person, you know it. And if that’s the case, you end it. Fucking around solves nothing. Only hurts, including the one doing the fucking around! I swore I’d only marry once. If it didn’t work out, that’s it! So far so good. 😃
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You’re a wise and good man. You know how to value what you have and think carefully about things. You’ll have a long and beautiful marriage as a result. 🙂 xo
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I certainly hope so. It’s been 24 years thus far. And let’s not get carried away with the “wise” stuff. I’m just feelin’ my way through like everybody else. 😃
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They always come back but most of the time… too late, because we’ve already move on 😉 It was probably a bad timing for him, for all the reasons you explained. I hope the return to reality is not too painful for him. He deserves it anyway :p
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You are so right! They always come back and by the time they do, we’ve healed and are over it. I don’t wish him misery anymore, which tells me I’m in a better place. But I certainly enjoy knowing I was right! Lol! Xo
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haha ! that’s the right attitude 😀
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I love that cat on the motorcycle lol!
Life just has these weird twists and turns. He is having a low phase, and it’s no longer your job to pick up the pieces. I’m glad you realize that. You had no choice but to move on after he did what he did. This is the bed he made. You deserve a man who will treat you with love and kindness. I’m glad u found one ☺️
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Isn’t that cat funny?! Lmao!
Life sure is strange. And, thank you. Yes, I do deserve a better man. (We all do!) I thought about this a lot over the last week. Why would I want a man that had to lose me to appreciate me? I have a man right now that knows what he has and does everything possible to show his appreciation of me. It’s a no brainier. Even if I didn’t have Captain, knowing what I know now, I could never allow myself to be weighed down by my ex (or any man for that matter) ever again!
Xo
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Absolutely! You are not the same woman u were when you were married. You are the smarter and improved Athena who doesn’t have time for the BS! 😜
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Hell yessssssss! Snap! Lol!
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He made his bed….. 🙂 Now he must lie in it.. alone!
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Lol! Thanks! He sure did make it and better get comfy in it! Lol
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I’m glad you didn’t give in to his play for sympathy. Enjoy your happy life and hope that he gets happy too – kids always benefit from two adjusted parents, and it sounds like he’s going through a major readjustment.
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Thanks! Just seemed like another one of his temporary insanity moments through this process. I can’t be dragged down again. I recommended him going to his therapist. I really do want him to be emotionally healthy. Xo
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I don’t mean to make light of your situation, but this is a really interesting narrative you have going on here and you tell it very well. You’re a great storyteller.
Personally, I think you were very considerate when you consoling him. You could have easily sent mixed signals (even if you’re sure of what you want/need). Having compassion for people that hurt you is incredibly challenging, but it’s good for your soul (in a spiritual way, not a religious way).
Anyway, congratulations on an engaging blog and, more importantly, finding a way to endure a horrible situation and coming through it better. I don’t know that I would be able to be as strong as you if my marriage fell apart. I admire you.
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That’s very sweet of you to say. I really appreciate the compliments you give!
It’s been a tough road but keeping my head held high has been very important. And the spiritual healing is what counts, right? 🙂 Thanks for the thoughtful comment. Xo
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Karma… keeps you laughing, eh?
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Thank goodness it does! Lol
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I had such a similar experience with my ex, too. Even if they walked out without looking back and left you heartbroken, it seems when they see you happy, healed, and with someone else then they finally realize and regret what they lost. Even though I had healed and moved on and knew nothing had changed on his end, it still messed with my head.
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Yep, so true. I’ve moved on but now the whole thing is in my head. And seeing him so depressed makes me worried about him. I wish I could turn off all emotion but I still care for him. Just not in a romantic way.
What is that saying? The worst thing you can do to a person is show them indifference, I think. Something about reaching that point of no longer caring really messes with their ego. I didn’t think it was going to happen in my case but it seems to be the same old story, just different people.
Thanks for stopping by. Nice to hear from you. 🙂 xo
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Oh, I’m so stealing that cat :). Love the post. I can picture the realisation crossing the face of “Hell! I just might have stuffed up”. If only he knew, eh!
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Thanks! Lol! Love that cat!
Our exes are such dummies. Overgrown babies, honestly. Lol!
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After I left Loser, he did everything he could to try to “buy” my forgiveness. It was too late and I didn’t understand the sudden affection. My daughter said “you never know what you’ve go until it’s gone.” How true….he did eventually wander into a bar and pick up a tramp, so all is well for him.
It’s okay to still care for your ex. That means you’re human and have a heart.
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Yeah, I have no doubt Grayheart will be fine. He’ll soon find some other dummy to fill the void and act like nothing ever happened.
Your ex really thinks he can buy his way through life, eh? I see that as a repeat pattern in your writing.
And, thanks, I won’t let him change me because he hurt me. Xo
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Yeah. He’s buying companionship now. It’s kind of pathetic, when you think about it…but she’s willing to sell it so it’s a pretty good fit.
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That’s called prostitution. Lol! 😂
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Under the pretense of “really caring about each other.”
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Eff him! This is what is known as the karma ninjas getting off their dead ass. Let him sulk, never forget he chose this crap. He willingly uprooted your life and the kids with no thought of remorse. He made his bed go freaking lie in it. You keep him involved in his children’s life and I commend you for that (and you know how I feel about father’s rights), it’s call Karma Greyheart and it is a beautiful thing to see first hand when it’s the cheater! Miss Madison has got to see it and the day I get to see it first hand nothing but two middle fingers are going up in the air! Sorry for the long comment, this just makes me smile from ear to ear :). Go kick rocks cheater Athena has moved on!
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Lmao! You and your ninja stuff! Crack me up!
Karma is a beautiful thing… It really is! I’m glad I didn’t put effort into getting it to happen this way. It’s nice to know that it happened on his own accord. Funny how life works. I’m grateful I’m in a place I just don’t care. Because if it had been a year and a half ago, I don’t think I’d be strong like I am now.
Xo
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Rock on sister!
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Ah, that beautiful moment when the fantasy comes crashing down and smacks right into reality. You were far nicer to Grayheart than I would ever be to CF.
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Lol! I thought of you, actually, because of your last post. I thought that it’ll be fun to read your post the day CF does the same. All of a sudden this perfect little fantasy just isn’t so perfect… Pop! Bubble bursting.
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The best part is I already know it’s not perfect. I know she’s cheating on him (although can it be cheating if you’re sleeping with your husband from whom you’re not divorced?). And poor CF is telling our kids he can’t possibly give them their allowances anymore because he has to pay me so much now. I’m rolling my eyes at him already. The day *he* finds out this is all fantasy? Oh, that will be a blissful day.
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Idiots. All of em!
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LOL that Pusheen pic is awesome!
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Lol, thx!
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Better without him as a partner………and that is the most essential thing.
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So true, my friend. He brings me down and I don’t need that in my life as my other half. xo
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A friend’s sister split up with her husband, its a very long story but the basic is he walked out of their home and left his wedding ring (taking all his clothes and his x box), my friend was right over there changing the lock and her sister a month down the line is happier, she never knew how unhappy she was.
As a warning though, something which you have probably thought about, is that if he is not got his eyes on you, he may jump in the sack with the next lady, and then spend the next 18 months introducing your kids to a series of women.
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Sheesh. I hope not. I have thought about that but I think he will try to avoid hurting the kids in that way. At least I hope. Shit, I don’t know him anymore so who knows? I just hope not.
I’m glad your friend’s sis is happier without the idiotic husband in her life. Good for her. Xo
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You are right he might not, but it might be worth laying ground rules? But then you have the problem of its his time with the kids, you don’t have the right to tell him who he can and can’t see when he has them. But since you have done fantastic so far, I have no doubt that is going to continue 🙂
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Thanks 🙂 We laid ground rules when we first separated and then reiterated once we were seriously dating. I hope it continues. I don’t want my kids to be victims because of this stupidity. Xo
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