Déjà vu – Sadness returns. Ugh. 

I have been in a funk. Excuse me as I rant.

I go up, I go down. 

I’m on a down right now.

   

I feel as if I have been reliving the announcement of the separation as exactly a year ago. The rainy, dreary weather is the same, my kids are back in school, anxiety and depression are sitting on each of my shoulders, and my trip to Paris is right around the corner. 

It feels like déjà vu. I wake up and I can’t believe this is my life. I’d rather be sleeping than facing the sadness that surrounds me. The weather matches my mood and I can’t seem to get out of it.   

I do not want to be back with Grayheart. I do not feel the same way towards him. He is a different man now and I’m not even sure I ever really knew him.

At this second, I’m not even mad. I’m just sad; like my soul is sad. Give me a squeeze and I’ll burst into tears at any given second. I’m that sensitive. I feel like I’m trying to jog while underwater.Last year I was even scheduled to go to Paris with Grayheart and run the Paris to Versailles race. I cancelled the trip three days before we were scheduled to leave because I couldn’t bear the thought of having him next to me in such a romantic city after he told me he was miserable.

So here I am planning to go on a new and improved version of the trip. But I keep having that sinking feeling in my gut. I have little desire to shop or pack for my trip. I have an emptiness and nausea that I can’t get rid of no matter how hard I try. 

I am also a shadow of the person I have been over the last several months. I was feeling so strong and happy and carefree. And now I’m moody and sullen.  

  
 I think I’m sabotaging my relationship with Captain. I’ve been pessimistic about it all, needy and just not as fun to be with. We’ve also been apart most of the month due to his work and travel. I keep focusing on our differences (eg. kids vs no kids, he works a lot, he is not close to his family, he’s kind of shy, etc.). And I know that all but the kids thing is totally me just having major insecurities and over-scrutinizing insignificant details. I am so traumatized by Grayheart leaving me that I keep waiting and watching for signs to tell me this guy will leave me, too. Ugh.

 

I hope I snap out of this. Quickly. I am not typically a depressed person and it’s very upsetting to me that I’m acting so strangely.

  
Today’s Mantra: This is normal and part of the healing process. (Right?!)

xo

60 thoughts on “Déjà vu – Sadness returns. Ugh. ”

  1. SNAP OUT OF IT!!!!!!!!!!!!! That’s an online me yelling at you! Your healthy, your ex is a douche, the captain sounds perfect, your ex is a douche, you are going to Europe, your ex is a douche. Get frigging packing and start picking out places you want to visit online and while you are at it find me the cheesiest tourists gift you can find!

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  2. What I can tell you is only what happened to me, it took time for me to process, I was sad, mad and just down. I had to live with the fact he was having a baby after 9 months of his marriage! I just felt uggh! Try to take care or yourself and do not do anything to hurt you or others around you. Be kind to you and realize it does take time to heal! Just try to keep going and ask for help if you need it! I went in to the dr. and she said ok how are you, I just started crying!!!! I wish I could give you a huge hug!!!! Things do get better dear! they do!! hugs, hugs , hugs!

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  3. I am in the same boat. I have to remind myself that my “captain” is a vastly different person than my ex. I do not want to be back with my ex, but I am grieving that relationship. It is different for everyone but this is all part of healing….. as much as it stinks.

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  4. I think it is normal what you are feeling. You are a woman, we are known for our mood swings. The joys of womanhood 😉 However I will tell you this; focus on the good around you, don’t look for the negative where there is little of; don’t sabotage your happiness because of fear. You are worth being loved, being happy, having a awesome vacay without a douche ex. Get you kickass girl panties on and get on that plane, have the time of your life, regroup and come back positive and in better spirits. You deserve to have a great time as a great life. And enjoy the Captain!

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  6. Ok…. Skipah is cracking me up!
    I think this is normal. You are still healing. Take it one day at a time. You are going to Paris. It will be awesome. The Captain sounds dreamy. Enjoy your time with him. But it’s ok to have a funk now and then. Feel sad. Let yourself recognize it for what it is. It will pass and you will be stronger for it.

    Your ex IS totally a douche too!

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    • Skipah is too funny!
      Thanks for the words of encouragement. I totally sound like a brat moping but sometimes you need a platform to vent. And it was one of those moments. I’m trying to stay positive and looking forward to all that’s ahead. Thanks for the support 🙂 xo

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  7. The worst part, in my experience at that stage in my divorce, was feeling like I couldn’t talk to anyone about the sadness that would come up for me. At a year, I felt better, but I stopped feeling like I could dwell on it or share my sadness with others. I feared seeming ungrateful for how far I had come, was worried about seeming like I still loved the jerk, and in general, I just knew that the people around me didn’t understand.

    Know that you’re entitled to feel however you feel, no matter what. It’s awesome that you’ve built this community of people who understand around you. Sometimes you gotta snap out of it and get excited about the future, and sometimes it’s okay to mourn the expectations that you were forced to let go of (but please, save these times for when you’re at home, and not on an awesome trip!). At the end of the day, regardless of what happens, you can share it with us, because we get it!

    Ps. It IS temporary! Sometimes temporary looks different than you expect.

    Pps. I’ve got the urge to hug ya, too! 🙂

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    • Kelsie – you’re like my sister from another mister, lol! You get me and you are so understanding of the journey. Grief is such a complex thing. And you’re right, unless you’ve been through it, it’s hard for others to truly understand. I’m keeping my chin up and moving along. 🙂

      I welcome your hug! And send one back to you. Congrats on selling your house, btw… Xoxoxo

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  8. Yes, this is totally normal & temporary.
    I was in a weird depressive funk this past January right around the year anniversary of a particularly bad part of the divorce process. It took me by surprise, I had been doing totally fine. Focus on something positive (like that amazing trip) and before you know it you’ll be past this phase.

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  9. totallycaroline says:

    I can’t tell you how much I relate to this… Even the Paris thing. I was scheduled to go to Paris with my husband 3 days after I found out what a whore my ex husband was, and my life would never be the same. And it is so often that I have those moods. And it is so often that I sabotage new relationships. I feel so tired. Not physically tired, more like my soul is tired. I know I need to get back up, but … Ugh. I feel bruised.
    These feelings come and go. Yours will too. I’m happy you found someone who holds your hand through it all, I hope I can find someone too. I think I’d be a lot happier.

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    • My goodness. What is it with Paris?!
      And yes… You are so right. Your soul is tired. You keep moving and smiling but your heart and soul are missing pieces. I hope I will one day be as carefree as I once was when I first married. Bruises heal, I think we will, too.
      Sometimes I think I should have waited longer to date so I wasn’t so complicated. Lol! But I’m certainly glad I met him. And I’m wise enough to know now how hard a good man is to find. I wish he had a brother I could send your way! 😉 xo

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  10. Awh you know what, everything that you said there is understandable and totally makes sense. No matter how bad you feel right now, I assure you and I believe in this firmly that you will be alright, you will feel much better in a day or so, we all have these days you know. You are getting these jitters because your life is changing and has changed immensely and that takes a huge toll emotionally. Lots and lots of love and big bear hugs for you.

    I hope you feel better soon, I know you are gonna conquer Paris! ❤ ❤

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  11. It is all normal! Shite, but normal. The one-year mark is really hard, but going through with it, having fun in Europe will help you turn a page. I promise.
    Paris is too good to share with Grayheart.
    And don’t worry about Captain. Let him know how you feel, and if he’s a man worth his salt, he’ll understand.
    Hang on in there, and enjoy Paris : you’ll only be a 6 hour drive away from me, so virtual hugs will have way less distance to travel ! 😉
    xx

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    • I love my virtual hug!! 😊😊😊 and it means so much since I’ll actually be in France to get it! 😉
      Thank you for the warm advice and understanding. I love having such a wonderful group of folks to support me. I already feel better after getting such a wonderful response. And I did have a great talk with Captain last night. And you are so right… He understands and was wonderful about it!

      I will post an update after I return! Xoxoxo

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  14. I’ve not been through a divorce, so I’m probably not the best one to get advice from. That being said, I think what you’re feeling is normal. It’s like when a loved one passes away. You’re going to have those feelings flood back around the time that it happened, ya know? But as time passes those emotions will become less intense. My wife goes through it around the time of year when her mom died. Those feelings of loss were intense for the first few years after she died. But it’s better each year. Give yourself the mourning period. It’s only been a year. But take your trip. You won’t regret it once you’re there. I love the pic of the tree on your main page, by the way. Reminds me of the live oaks on her moms propert in Mississippi. Be strong. You can get through this!

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  16. Greta Hartmann says:

    Hi! It’s my first time visiting your page and I feel compelled to comment because connect with your need to express the discomfort of feeling down. I still have those moments of feeling emotionally down to the point I don’t want to talk to or see anybody. These times are usually unexpected and then I feel guilty for feeling down when I have so much to be thankful for. It can be difficult to express those moments, especially if you are a the type of person who loves life and who wants to be a positive force (which I sense from your writing.)
    Hang in there- continue to express your ups and downs and don’t feel bad for feeling bad! I’m cheering you on!
    Greta

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