That’s what Grayheart told me he feels for me.
Tuesday evening we had a talk. It started with a discussion about finances and then he dropped the “I just want to let you know that I did not leave you for [Raggedy Ann]. I was unhappy before she came along.” Then he went on that nothing happened with her until after we decided we were separating.
Ummm… Well, yes, she’s a symptom and not the full cause. But the blossoming relationship with her gave him the motivation to leave and not try to work things out with me. He begrudgingly agreed.
Do I believe him? Somewhat, yes. I do believe that their flirtation started when he went on his work trip late August. I do also show that the conversations on his phone (thanks to phone records) started when he confessed his unhappiness and desire to divorce. Does that lessen the hurt? No. Do you think I’ve forgotten the torture of him communicating with her while still living in my house? And poorly hiding it? Hell no.
And then he told me that he loves me deeply but in a “familial way.” Really? But I knew that already. I could tell his love had changed for me these last few weeks. He gave that romantic love – that infatuation – to her. There were no more longing glances or raised eyebrows when I bent down to pick something up or even attempts to touch me. He fell completely out of love with me and is over the marriage. Makes me feel like I wasted 13 years of my life.
So I took that conversation and pondered it the rest of the evening. I realized that this is what a break up feels like; it’s been so long since I’ve been through one. The unfamiliarity of rejection and humiliation and loss.
It just sucks to have to experience it within such close proximity of the heartbreaker.
I will say that although I’ve experienced a roller coaster of emotions, the feelings I have are more resentment, hurt, anger and sadness. I don’t pine for him. I think we are truly different people and the relationship was tough from the start. It just ended in such a hurtful way. And, let’s be real, no one wants to be dumped. 💔