It’s been a tumultuous several days.
After having such a fun Friday evening last week, the rest of the weekend was bleh.
Saturday I overhead Grayheart tell his whore “love you, bye” when hanging up the phone. Sure I was spying while outside when he didn’t know I was there but I just had a feeling he’d told her he loved her. He’s such a dumbass when it comes to love. Always has told his girlfriends he loved them quickly. Me included, 13 years ago.
Strangely enough, I felt nothing. I was empty and hollow inside. Later, though, I felt like the earth’s gravitational pull was keeping me facedown to the ground. Wrecked I was. And ooooh boy, I looked it, too! I slept practically nothing the night before and had not caught up from partying from NYE. (I’m not used to this anymore!) Had a flood of emotions: sad, mad at him, sad for me, resentment, disbelief at my life, anger at myself for my foolishness… pure, deep sadness. I somehow allowed the last 13 years of my life to be hijacked by someone that never truly loved me. I just kept thinking that over and over and over. Torture.
Sunday was better. I rested well the night before and that helped. The day sucked but overall I was just sad and mad at myself for foolishly loving a fool. I could sense it in him these last few weeks that he no longer felt anything for me. Why did you fall so quickly out of love with me? Why is it so easy for you to move on? Why am I still suffering?
Monday – My butt got in gear and started calling lawyers left and right! I was at work just burning up my cell phone, researching questions to ask attorneys, making connections… you name it. And lots of fantasies about revenge and other useless mental wanderings. But I felt like I was taking control by getting a start on the divorce process. Oh yeah, and then Grayheart had the incident in which he cut himself that evening.
Love sucks. Love sucks balls.
PS – My brother recently bought the painting (by Ra Superstar) that I used as my image. When he sent a picture of it to me, it just made me think how many ways the saying “Love is an Inside Job” can be taken. I initially was thinking that it meant love from another person but the more I thought about it, I think it means it comes from within you. It starts with you. I need to remember that.
Today’s Mantra: Love myself more.