Wasted a good bra

I went to the movies to see The Hobbit even though I told Grayheart I was going out out. He came over to watch the kids and put them to bed while I got ready.  I put on my hardest working Victoria’s Secret push-up bra and a flattering maxi dress. As I walked out all dolled up and smelling sweet like sugar, his ass was asleep on the couch.  I think he did that shit on purpose! As if he was on to me and my little game.  (Yes, I’m acting as mature as a teen these days.)

So while I appreciated the glances of the fandom Ringer nerds pimply faced teenaged boys loneliest folks in Miami, ahem, fine men in the theater that evening… I fricken wasted a damn good use of unabashed bra enhancement.  And when I got home, Grayheart was still sleeping on the couch.  Oh well… I enjoyed the movie though! 😉

Arguing in front of the kids

I’m venting right now…

I argued with Grayheart over the phone last night about some changes he was trying to throw at me with our schedule. There was no cursing or personal attacks flung but it was intense and it was done in front of the kids. We hung up after 10 minutes of this and agreed to discuss later.

My daughter then asked him that night why I was so angry. And if he was angry as well. 😔 She heard everything. 😁

I still feel terrible about it. It’s not the end of the world but I still can’t help it. I put unnecessary stress on her. I will do better next time.

Today’s Mantra: Remember to not argue in front of the kids!! It’s not worth the consequences.

Smart Women Finish Rich

I always knew I wanted to be financially independent and successful. But I just now decided I want to be actively engaged in the process. (Grayheart previously managed our finances.)

A friend just gave me the book “Smart Women Finish Rich” by David Bach. I’ve heard positive things about him and Ric Edelman Financial. I’m going to read it and see if the information proves to be useful and easy to understand. (Frankly, I’ve always had little interest in stocks and found financial investment talk to be overwhelming.) I’ll write a post with my thoughts after I’m done reading it.

Since my separation, I’ve been very worried about money. I fret over the immediate future as well as long term planning. I’m a stay-at-home mom that has now been substitute teaching. (Not exactly a baller these days.) Grayheart is paying the bills but we are paycheck to paycheck. I am not used to this feeling. It’s been challenging trying to balance the desire to be an active parent with the need for financial stability. But I think proper guidance on how to manage what I currently have might get me in the right direction. And the battle might not need to be “motherhood” vs. “financial autonomy.”

My fear of long term financial security comes from ignorance in this field. (Fear. Seems to be an emotion I’m getting well acquainted with these days.) I’d like to think fear and insecurity are normal. It’s when it starts dictating your actions… that’s when it’s dangerous. I’m a terrible procrastinator and am constantly fighting that beast.

Self esteem and confidence seem to be enhanced with financial independence. I feel like I need this trait to be comfortable, proud and a good role model for my family. (Just one more piece of me I’m trying to improve upon to come back bigger and better than before!)

Do you have any favorite wealth management books or gurus you recommend? Please share!

Today’s Mantra: Push past fears. Don’t let fears dictate actions.

Letter to Grayheart

Dear Grayheart,

You broke my heart into tiny little pieces. You told me you were unhappy and thought we were fundamentally different. Although that was devastating, I could understand where you were coming from. I, too,felt on many occasions unsure of my marriage. But my fear of failure and my love for you and my deep desire to never harm our children and break up our family prevented me from ever taking action.

I always thought that you and I could work through anything. That although we had our ups and downs, this descent would be followed by the certainty of the ascent. Isn’t that what marriage is? Not giving up when the going gets tough? In sickness and in health? You once told me that divorce was incomprehensible and that you would never leave me. At our parting, you then told me you thought I took advantage of that notion. That I neglected you as a husband. Do you not remember me leaving you sleeping in bed to tend to our crying children so that you could rest? Do you not remember me calling you at work to say hi only to be rushed off the phone because you were busy? Did you forget all the activities I supported you in? Your hobbies, your athletic events, your travel for work? Who held down the fort with our home and kids when you were not around? Yes, I could’ve done more to show you my appreciation but my resentment of your selfishness took over. My contempt for your coldness replaced my cheery disposition with stony silence. You stopped listening to me and, without really realizing it, I retaliated.

I shouldn’t be shocked that you were so unhappy. But I attributed it more to your own shortcomings and damaged upbringing rather than realize you were just unhappy with me. But I could handle it. As sad as it was, I thought maybe it was the right thing.

What I wasn’t prepared for, though, was for you to lie to me repeatedly about your friendship with a co-worker. A lesbian in her mid-twenties that I then discovered you’d been chatting with on a daily basis on your cell phone the moment you confessed your misery in marriage. You gave up on the marriage because you had a safety net. You found someone that made you feel light and good. Someone excited to hear from you, someone to admire your expertise and wit and charm. She is 15 years your junior. She is fucked up. She is easy. She doesn’t nag you or have screaming kids or years of baggage with you. You might have been unhappy in our marriage but you didn’t try to work through it because you had her. And the moment you thought you were free, you pursued her. You might even feel like more of a “man” because you converted the lesbian with your dick you’re so proud of. You keep it secret from everyone at work, though, because you both know how pathetic the entire situation is. You tried to convince me that she was nothing more than an emotional void filler. I believe that but I don’t think you realize how much damage you’re doing to yourself and your family. You emotionally walked out on me, not wanting to fully leave until I finally pushed you out the door. You played me for a fool. I kept you at home for 2 months thinking it was best for the kids to not deal with the family destruction until after the holidays. And I secretly had hope that you would realize what a mistake parting would be. I didn’t have confirmation about your thing with the Whore until I did my own snooping late October. And then you had the nerve to get upset with me for violating your privacy!

You are self destructive and selfish and weak. You are gone from my home and I’ve slept better in the last 3.5 weeks than I have in the last 3 months! I’m sad, I’m shattered, I’m hurt, I feel betrayed, I feel foolish, I’m angry, I’m disappointed and I fear the unknown. But I will ultimately be victorious. I will heal. I will do it properly. I will be successful and I will find myself. I will use the fire lit within me to propel me towards things I shied away from previously. I know one day I’ll find love but that’s not my goal here. Not now. I am going to use this to make a better me for my kids and for myself. I will show them what someone strong and healthy can accomplish.

I desperately hope that the next time I write you a letter, it is to thank you for releasing me. For doing what I didn’t have the courage to do. I pray that the happiness I am now capable of has no limit and that I will be stronger and wiser as a result. I’m terrified now but I have faith. A new path has been set for me and I’m taking the journey that’s now summoning me its way. ❤️

No hay mal que por bien no venga…

Nostalgia

Today I feel a bit nostalgic. I’ve been in DC a few days now and have had the pleasure of seeing many old friends and visit some old stomping grounds. The weather is crisp and feels great to breathe in. Food has been phenomenal… I’ve had the opportunity to eat Thai, Chinese, Indian… Yum!

But a part of me is wistful. This is where it all started with Grayheart. It’s reminiscent of happier times and new beginnings and old familiars. I caught my friends up to speed on the divorce. One friend – that knows us both well – shared that although I look wonderful, she sees great sadness in my eyes. (I can’t fool everyone it seems.)

Couple this with my daughter last night crying hysterically over Skype that she was missing me… Well, it didn’t lend itself to a perfect night’s rest.

I still have a few days left here and really am enjoying so much of my trip. But as I’m learning, emotions come in waves. They’re in like the tide and then out again. You never just feel one thing and, boy, are they sneaky! I’m onto them, though, and will just take it in stride today. 😉

Today’s Mantra: Smile and enjoy yourself.

Btw, the image is a picture I took in the Natural History Museum in Nature’s Best Photography Exhibit. This photographer (Antonio Zimbone) won “Power of Nature” with this picture of Mt. Etna in Italy. Thought it properly reflected my emotions these days! Lol! Enjoy!

DC sights

Just wanted to share some of the cool things I’ve seen while here so far. Relishing the city life and cold weather. Miss this area.

Btw, I’m an awful photographer. 😑

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Flying Solo (literally)

Today I am in the nation’s capital for a short getaway.  I love Washington, D.C.  (If you haven’t been, I highly suggest it.  Great place for couples, singles, families, anyone!)  I lived in the area for several years and have many close friends.  I decided last week that my broke ass would use frequent flier miles for a much needed escape.

As much as I’ve traveled over the years (independently, with friends, my husband, kids, etc.), I wasn’t prepared for what would hit me when I entered MIA.  The airport itself was fine. My check in with AA was quick and easy.  It was the damn sense of loneliness that sucker punched me when I got to the security line. 

Boarding pass. Check.  (Yes, I’m flying alone, don’t judge me, abuelita giving me the side eye in front of me.)

ID. Here you go. (Damn, I want to change my last name.)

Step into the machine. Done. (I grabbed someone else’s stuff accidentally and there was no one to laugh with about it.)

Sky rail. No problem. (Yes, take the single lonely seat usually reserved for the elderly or those with special needs.)

Board the flight and prepare for take off.  Easy.  (This is when it REALLY got bad.  Call mom to tell her I’ve boarded. Don’t text or call Grayheart because…well, just don’t.)

Actual flight. Piece of cake.  (Picture yourself in a plane crash and then wholeheartedly panic that Daddy would not knowing what the fuck to do on his own with our kids.  Write a list ASAP on important things to do for kids.  Update wills.)

Yes, all these things ran through my mind.  I know it’s dramatic and maudlin.  I’m doing my best to not act out on the cray.  I do have some sense of pride and self control.  But inside… inside I’m a flipping mess.  Squeeze me and I’ll let out a deluge of tears.  I wish I could wear a stamp on me that said “Fragile. I’m going through a divorce, please be nice.”  I feel that bad for myself right now.  (Pity party for one, please.)

I tried to analyze why I let myself go there and the best I could come up with was that this was a “first”.  My first trip as a quasi-single woman post separation.  I’ll have to go through many uncomfortable “firsts” before it can feel normal.  And, then, there’s just the plain ole reason that I’m still very sad.  I feel like I’m missing a limb.  The feeling is there but the body part (or in this case, your other half) is not.

I won’t let grief ruin my trip, though.  I will soak up the beauty of the city and the wonderful company of my friends.  I have faith and will charge through the sadness this weekend. 

Today’s Mantra:  I’m an independent woman.  I can do this.

I’ll share pictures on my next post.  Wish me luck!

(While I was weeping riding the escalator down at the airport, I saw this sign on the wall and felt it was a good omen.)

Emotions are Energy in Motion

I saw my therapist (DD) yesterday and had a really nice visit.  I felt like this was the first time I actually discussed with her my life and coping strategies rather than try to catch her up to speed on all the drama with Grayheart.  I caught her up to speed on the week since I last saw her but there wasn’t very much to report since Grayheart moved out and I finally got rid of that dreadful thing called hope.  My focus this visit was trying to figure out how to move on and if I’m doing the right things with the kids, etc.

She was proud of my progress and complimented me on my strength and commitment to moving forward.  (I don’t feel strong but I know I won’t let myself just stand still.).  I shared with her a nasty argument Grayheart and I had about me moving his stuff around out of the house.  After that fight, a few days later I waved a white flag and pulled him aside.  I explained to him that I was still trying to cope with the hurt, rejection and betrayal.  I needed him to understand that this would be a long road for me.  I asked for his patience because I truly know in my heart that one day I will heal and forgive. I know he’s not a terrible person; he’s just selfish and has a lot of work to do within himself.  There will be progress and setbacks but one day we’ll be “friends” again.  Just not now.  He was extremely receptive and kind during the conversation.  It really made me feel better.  As I shared this with my therapist, she replied that she was proud of my ability to see the light at the end of the tunnel and that this will help me heal.

Truthfully, I don’t want to hold on to anger forever.  My mom held onto the anger from her divorce for 10 years before she finally let it go.  I don’t want that for me.  I want to feel light and free one day.  And look back and think that this was all for the best. That I now have the opportunity to find myself and find true love one day. Someone that can truly appreciate what I have to offer and put me first.

DD assured me that this will come but that I’ll need at least a year to heal.  A year.  Four fricking whole seasons.  It sounds like an eternity when you think about the level of pain you experience during this process and then imagine yourself experiencing variations of it for 365 days or longer!  I explained to her that the depth of pain and sorrow I’ve felt since September has been so incredibly awful that I fear the journey.  I tell myself to take it day by day but my emotions change moment by moment.  I don’t want to feel these things.  I want to distract myself to the point of oblivion because it’s too goddamn painful.  And then she shared this little nugget.  “Emotions are energy in motion.  Within you.  Honor these feelings.  Remove the negative association with them and just… meditate with them.  The feeling will not last longer than 7 minutes if you honor them.”

So, I am going to try to honor these feelings.  Loneliness, hurt, sadness, emptiness…  I’ll cry in the shower and in the car and while in bed.  And at the computer.  And in the kitchen.  And on the floor of the bathroom.  And when he leaves my house to pick up the kids.    (Shiiiit.  Name me a place I haven’t cried already.)  I just won’t do it in front of the kids.  I’ll be strong for them so that they can know that everything is okay.   And one day it will be.

Words to Ban

For the last three years, TIME has held a poll asking readers to select the word that should be banned. They’re back for the fourth year Which word should be banned in 2015? and I have my own list.

Yes, words like “bae” and “basic” have earned their place on the list but none get under my skin these days like these:

– Co-Parent
– Divorce
– Separate
– Mediator
– Schedule
– Insufficient Funds
– Affair
– Consciously Uncouple
– Husband
– Wife
– Single
– Lonely
– Time
– Love

Okay, so I know that these words are unique to me at this time because I’m uber sensitive while going through the divorce process. But these words have actually caused me grief over the last few months. They sting when said to me or as they go through my mind.

I just finished teaching a 4th grade class and they’re reading a book that quickly referenced divorce. That prompted half the class to share the status of their parent’s marriages. It was overwhelmingly sad to see the number of students that were not part of an “intact” family.  I’m sure they’re fine and have adapted well but it is still upsetting.  (Of course I’m thinking “Here it is again. That damn word divorce unexpectedly sneaking up on me at work.”)

So this is my list for 2015. I know it’s unavoidable and one day I won’t be so doggone touchy but, today, I hate them with all my being. I hope next year to have a list more similar to that of TIME. 😉

Feel free to share any words you loathe!

Childcare Arrangement

I figured this might help since I haven’t really clarified the current childcare arrangement that Grayheart and I have made for our two kids (5 and 2 years old).

Grayheart sees the kids almost on a nightly basis (by having dinner and bedtime routine with us) as well as two mornings during the week. On the weekends, I have one evening to myself while he has the other and then he spends a chunk of Saturday and Sunday with them. We are flexible with each other if something comes up.

Grayheart does not have a permanent place yet and is looking to purchase a townhouse nearby since he wants to be as close to the kids as possible. We figure as long as the kids see him on a very frequent basis (and we maintain a friendly relationship in front of them), they’ll be able to navigate the upcoming holidays and overall situation as well as possible. The kids seem to be young enough to adapt easily but yet are aware that there’s a change in our home.  (They have done very well so far but it’s been just over two weeks.)

I’m happy to say that Grayheart is a wonderful father and absolutely adores our kids. I know that this arrangement seems unusual and possibly even disadvantageous to my healing but I will be fine as long as my children are fine. They come first and they are victims in this process. It is up to us to be proper co-parents and set a good example for them. I’m aware enough to realize that as time passes and he has a permanent living situation and we have other serious partners, etc. that the schedule will change but I’m confident we will adjust accordingly. I’ll have to worry about those things as they come. Right now, the most important thing for us is to make sure those munchkins get through this initial period as whole as possible.

En paz