Grayheart left yesterday afternoon to NY to see his family. Felt a bit sad about it. I’ve varied between feeling nostalgic and morose to all of a sudden feeling a burst of self confidence today.
Yesterday night I weeped over the loss of my marriage and what seemed like the beginning of a new routine for the holidays. New traditions will be started, the kids will have holidays split… the typical divorce blues during this season. I’d been reminiscing a lot these days, too. I’ve had regret over ways I could have been a better wife and just kept wondering to myself if I would ever take Grayheart back (if he asked).
Then today I went for a long run with my best friend’s husband and it felt like an awakening. As we chatted about what’s been going on in my life and he helped put things in perspective, I had a revelation of sorts. I realized I deserved more. A good father is important but what I need is a good partner as well. So as I thought through all the things I settled for as a result of fear of being without him or breaking up my family, it angered me that I was so insecure and weak for so long. Not that the anger at myself is healthy but it provides motivation to continue to head in the opposite direction of Grayheart. I know that deep down I’ve been hoping he’d have an about face and realize his mistakes. And that he’d really change to be a better partner to me. But I keep wanting him to change. That should be a sign to myself that we are just not compatible as is – besides all the damage that’s been done – and I should accept it for what this is. A breakup. And an opportunity for a more fulfilling life.
I’m sure that since I’m Sybil these days, I’ll have some sort of change of heart soon but for now I’m going to enjoy him being gone these few days. Out of sight (hopefully) out of mind! And I’m going out to dinner with my girlfriends tonight so woohoo!
Hope you all are enjoying the holidays! ❤️
Today’s Mantra: I will be brazen with self confidence today. Today I’m Superwoman!