Okay, this post is more for me to vent than anything else so I apologize if it’s boring.
So all was going fine yesterday until Grayheart picked up the kids for dinner and then did the whole bath and bed routine. I had stepped out to see my therapist (yay!) and then met up with my BFF and her family for dinner and some TV watching. En route to her house – being the kind and considerate co-parent that I am – I asked him if he minded if I stayed just a bit with my BFF at her house. (Mind you, she’s our neighbor that lives just 2 blocks away.) He had the fricking nerve to respond “That’s fine as long as you’re home by 8:20 pm.” That mofo had the nerve to give me a curfew?! The woman with whom the kids are currently living with because you haven’t gotten a permanent living situation together yet? Oh hell no! That didn’t go over well with me and we started a bit of a text war. It put me in a bad ass mood and then I was home by 8:45 pm. (I’m fully aware at this point that I’m an idiot for having asked if he minded… and it was short notice. But still.)
I entered my house quietly, threw a bunch of mental hand grenades in his direction, re-focused and then quickly chatted about the kids with him. And then I was like “What the hell is your problem?” In which he waxed poetic about how he’s exhausted because he comes straight here after work to see the kids and then he has a half hour drive back to where he’s staying, wakes up to work out each morning then back to work, blah, blah, blah. I have zero sympathy for him as I’m thinking YOU were the one that chose this life, is that not right, you selfish asshole? But, in an effort to not fight – because the whole situation is shitty enough – I try to show that I understand but that he needs to understand that I do everything for the kids while he maybe does 2 hours a day of bonding with them. I have to deal with the kids whining at night that they don’t want to go to sleep or the middle of the night yells for Daddy or the coughing attack due to a bad cold. It can be overwhelming at times. I adore my children but I do need the additional support while we’re in this transition phase. The conversation wasn’t going anywhere and it felt pretty strained. He looked mentally and physically fatigued so I finally just told him to leave even though we got nowhere. And then he text me again shortly after that he’d like to continue talking over the phone. (I’ll admit that I appreciate the olive branch he extended with the text.)
The phone call was less combative. We both admitted we didn’t want to fight with each other. He shared that he’s feeling squeezed at all ends because he’s trying to financially cover all aspects of our life, he misses the kids and his living situation sucks. (I’m a SAHM at the moment.) I told him that I’m plagued with unease because it’s hard to try to act normal when nothing is normal and I don’t know how to be. He’s like kryptonite for me as this point because my mood is completely altered with every interaction we have. If he’s nice and open, I feel good. If he’s colder and distant, I am a mess. I’m trying to understand where he’s coming from but it’s hard to feel any real sympathy when I am the one that was abandoned. (Violins, please.) The 30 minute call ended on better terms but I’m still not satisfied as I don’t really think we accomplished anything but the agreement that we do not want to fight.
I keep telling myself that once I’m truly over the hurt of the separation/divorce, this will be easier and my emotions won’t take over. Crossing my fingers!