We’ll always (not) have Paris

Late summer, I began a running program to train for a 10 mile race.  My goal had been to run the Paris to Versailles race in France at the end of September.  I LOVE to travel but had never been to France.  It was a dream of mine to go.  I furiously trained and dreamed of croissants and baguettes and the Seine.  We booked our trip, paid for the race and were just preparing for our travel.

So, September arrives and my husband tells me he was miserable married to me.  I felt like I had been punched in the gut.  It wasn’t that I was shocked that he was unhappy.  I just kind of always thought he was a sort of malcontent and it was just his moody personality that dictated his behavior.  What I didn’t expect was for him to actually tell me that he was miserable with ME.  (Who the hell is miserable with me? I’m like really fun and funny and nice! WTF?! 😉 )  So, after digesting this information, I cancelled the trip to Paris just a few days before we were to go on it.  He wanted to still go on the trip to support me in my running endeavors and not have me cancel my dream trip… but I just couldn’t do it.  I couldn’t have the weight of his words ruin my time there.  I didn’t want to feel like I was forcing him to be with me when he basically told me he no longer loved me.  The trip would have been fake and forced.  I didn’t want him to ruin it for me no matter how well we could get along.  It’s the most romantic city in the world! I mean, I should be sipping champagne while my man is purring French sweet little nothings in my ear as we view the Eiffel Tower from our big ole bed that we just finished making vicious love in, right??? Nope. Not in my future and I was damned if I let him take that from me.

After his revelation, I told him that I could not have someone by my side that wasn’t proud to have me there with him.  I needed a partner, not someone who was weak and willing to abandon ship when times got tough.  I told him I thought divorce was inevitable based on his feelings and that he should be making plans to move out. He was sad, I was sad, it felt like I had just experienced centrifugal force equivalent to ten times the force of gravity.  I felt pinned to the sadness and nausea that had just overcome me.  The daunting fear of being alone and having to start all over again.

And that’s how my story begins.

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20 thoughts on “We’ll always (not) have Paris

  1. Why? Why do they do this? I didn’t have a trip planned to Paris but we did just finish putting in an expensive inground pool when I learned the truth.

    My husband was the same way- he was never happy. He thinks he’s happy now but it’s just a matter of time.

    I started reading from the most recent entry so I’m happy to see you have found a wonderful new man! You deserve nothing but happiness.

    Liked by 1 person

    • I wish I knew, my friend. They are stupid and want to not face reality? I like what you say, he “thinks” he’s happy now but it’s only a matter of time. So true. And applies in my case as well. I realize nothing I could’ve done would have saved us. I couldn’t make him happy. He’s hust miserable inside. He was dragging me down.
      Thanks for reading… I’m almost embarrassed now because i think if I were to go back and read my posts from then, I’d cringe at my sadness.
      Thanks for the well wishes, too. 🙂 This kind of support in this community has been what has kept me afloat. Xo

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  2. Carli Awakened says:

    you sound very much fun,amazing and funny. I love reading ur writings and I’m sorry for what happened and what is happening. I was with my ex husband for 13 years as well. I was the one who wanted the divorce and we divorced in 2011. It has been rough since because he has a new fiance who isn’t the best and has caused a lot of issues at times, and I often think back… but, the most important thing is that we as mothers, wear smiles every day for our kids… never let them see our heartbreak or irritations. I proud ur doing the best u can and that ur taking up writing as you do. I find it soothing. If you ever need to talk, I’m a great listener and friend. 🙂 Ex husbands often think the grass is greener on the other side sometimes and they find out it’s brown with tons of poop in it… lmao… but seriously… you’ll be fine and sometimes, as the saying goes…”God takes certain people out of your life to make room better ones
    ‘……. maybe captain is the better! 🙂 much love.

    Liked by 1 person

    • You are very sweet, Carli. I appreciate your kind words and offer to chat. I’m sorry to hear that you, too, have suffered heartbreak on your behalf as well as your kids. Divorce is never easy, no matter who initiated it. And a divorce with children makes it even more complicated. I look forward to our friendship and hope you know that I, too, am here should you need additional support. Congrats

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      • Carli Awakened says:

        Thank you So much….it is hard especially for the kids. Mine are confused…weirded out by not having mom and dad in the same place but I promise as urs get older…they will learn to cope as mine have. And …it does get easier as time goes on. The whole dating thing is never easier either. Been there…done that and omg ….is it wicked. Lol but…I swear…you’re going to look back eventually and thank God for What happened now. He knows what he’s doing. ☺

        Liked by 1 person

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